The Narcissist Also Suffers
You just don’t see their pain.
Did you know that 10 million people Google the word “narcissist” every month? And .5% of the general population meets diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
I know because I looked it up. I have been curious as to why I see blogs and articles about narcissism all over the internet. Even when I’m looking for a new hair gel or pair of jeans, there are warning articles about narcissistic abuse and how-to articles about saving yourself from a narcissist.
As a mental health professional who has been in the field since 1988, this is causing me tremendous concern. I don’t believe it to be an understatement that we may be on the brink of an epic mental health crisis regarding this topic.
My concern is instead of being viewed as the mental illness that it is, the word narcissistic is increasingly used as an adjective that is synonymous with all of the following:
- Abusive
- Toxic
- Arrogant
- Selfish
- Egotistical
I take pause at the growing over-simplification of this serious mental health disorder. But I do understand it.
And it is nearly impossible to feel empathy for someone who is not feeling empathy for you.
If we take a look at just a few of the symptoms, you can see what people are protecting themselves from:
Exaggerated sense of self-importance Sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others Take advantage of others to get what they want
It isn’t easy to be in a relationship with someone with Major Depressive Disorder or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Still, in these cases, there is usually a mutual understanding that these illnesses are causing pain and distress. Both parties agree on the nature of the problem. But it’s hard to have empathy for someone who doesn’t have insight into how they are causing you pain.
The narcissist's pain is deeply hidden under well-developed defenses that make it nearly impossible to see.
I am glad that people who have been mistreated by people with NPD are speaking out. They are shining a light on a mental health problem that needs attention. No one deserves to be mistreated.
People who have been belittled and criticized are speaking out more, and we have a responsibility to listen to them. The way that they were treated is unacceptable and, in some cases, unforgivable.
But it is not fair to leave them alone on this journey of getting to the root of the problem.
There is an age-old saying in my field: “hurt people hurt people” (Author unknown). It is not enough to just advocate for people who have been mistreated; we need to work to prevent these incidents in the first place. The only way to do that is to understand the issue in all its complexity.
Narcissists are not villains, monsters, or abusers
If the concept of being innocent until proven guilty applies to someone who robbed a bank in front of a huge room full of witnesses, I think we owe the same courtesy to someone who has a personality disorder.
People who don’t know how to have close intimate connections with other humans suffer immensely.
Narcissists want love and connection like everyone else. Their behaviors are failed coping skills. Without treatment, they are desperately looking for real relationships using the same unsuccessful attempts at connection. Rejection leads to more desperate attempts for approval, and the cycle continues, worsening as it repeats.
The pain and isolation that this mental illness causes not only hurts the individual with the diagnosis, but also their family, their loved ones, their co-workers, and their children.
Proper mental health treatment can help, and everyone benefits when therapy occurs.
Narcissists deserve treatment
Trained mental health professionals know how to teach empathy and offer successful ways to get needs met without putting others down. But how do we present therapy as a safe place for them to turn their lives around?
Not by vilifying them.
There is enough stigma already for mental illness.
As a society, I believe that we have a responsibility to change the tone of how we are using the words narcissist and narcissistic. As long as the words are perceived as synonymous with abuse, it will be almost impossible for people suffering from this condition to seek support.
It’s hard enough to call a therapist and ask for help. But when you’re reading how evil you are scrolling through social media, it might be hard to believe that your therapist won’t judge you as well.
History repeats itself
In 2021, judgemental rhetoric would never be tolerated in the mainstream if directed toward someone with depression or anxiety. But this was not the case fifty years ago.
Let’s learn from history and turn the ship around.
People who narcissists have hurt suffer, and so do the narcissist themselves.
The best way to work toward less suffering in the world is by seeing the victim in the villain so everyone can have a chance at happiness.
Laura Silverstein is a mental health professional with a passion for bridging differences. Sign up for her mailing list here.