The Naked Man
Daughter (hysterically) “There’s a naked man in my apartment.”
# 15 Real Estate Man
Part of what makes Philadelphia such a popular destination for students and professionals to call home, is that it’s a very walkable city. Pretty much anything you have to do in your day is within walking distance. One could almost say (with the lack of and high expense of parking) it’s prohibitive to own a car in Center City.
Perfect city for Anthony to start his painting business. Anthony was the younger brother of Nate, the resident superintendent of Penn Manor. One day while checking out a complaint over there with Nate, Real Estate Man asked whether Nate knew of any painters. He very confidently recommended his brother Anthony who had graduated high school that spring and was starting a paint contracting business. Real Estate Man would be among his first customers (along with his mother and uncle Ralph; you get the picture).
Real Estate Man started Anthony with painting a small studio on 16th. I was to meet him in front of the building at 10:00AM. Real Estate Man was supposed to open the apartment for him and give him the run of the place. Anthony should be finished painting by 5:00. Real Estate Man would then come back, inspect his work and pay him. They had agreed on a price of $100 (including paint) for the 8’x10’ studio. That was their plan anyway.
Standing in front of 419 South 16th at 8:45 on the prearranged morning (Real Estate Man is always 15 minutes early) he saw a figure with an overloaded shopping cart walking toward him and the property. As the figure approached, much to his consternation — he realized it was his painting contractor. Anthony had: paint, rollers, poles, drop cloth, everything packed into that shopping cart (courtesy of Acme Markets).
Real Estate Man: “No truck?”
Anthony: “What truck? It’s too expensive. Got all I need here.”
Real Estate Man admires a businessman who keeps his expenses low…. Usually means prices are commensurate .
Anthony did a wonderful job on 16th. He painted with perfection. He cleaned up, packed up and Real Estate Man payed up. He was sure to hire Anthony again. As the summer progressed Anthony became his go to guy. When Real Estate Man needed a quick turnaround on a place, Anthony was da man! Good painter but most of all dependable. No matter where the job may be, Anthony would be there with his shopping cart. He was almost always on time. Even more important, he finished on time.
In recent years apartment seekers increasingly depend on virtual showings. Busy lifestyles precluded a separate trip to Philly ,often involving the whole family, to check out apartments. Sometimes with only videos and pictures guiding the decision there was disappointment when an apartment was physically seen. Photographer’s philosophy “What’s the sense of taking a picture of an apartment if you can’t make it look better than it is?” When seen in person the prospect would question, “What am I to believe, your picture or my own eyes?”
This, as often as not, resulted in retracting of commitments and loss of thousands of dollars in deposits — a mess. Real Estate Man tried mightily to avoid this.
Real Estate Man was in the process of rehabbing a triplex in the student favored Fairmont section of Center City. He was trying to finish for fall semester beginning September 4th that year. Some finishing carpentry and painting remained on the 3rd floor. He had rented the first 2 floors to freshmen at Temple. Each apartment visited by mom,dad and student. They had their questions answered by his agent assistant Jaqi. The 3rd floor may have to be rented virtually if he expected a tenant for the current school year.
Real Estate Man’s story:
I received a phone call from what seemed to be a frantic father. My caller ID showed an unfamiliar area code which I found out later to be Los Angles. A father’s daughter needs an apartment in less than a week. He wanted to firm up a rental. Dad feared if his student daughter tried to find a place when the semester started, her studies may be interrupted and the BEST places would be taken. Good points!
Could he be shown videos and pictures of what I have to offer? He would give me a decision tomorrow. He would overnight the first, last and deposit the next day. He and his daughter would drive his daughter’s worldly possessions to Philadelphia as fast as possible to get her settled in by the start of the fall semester.
I sent them a video and pictures of the finished 2nd floor beauty. I went on to explain that the actual apartment would be the identical twin on the 3rd floor which is unpainted now but will be in 2 days. Also, I included a cover thine ass picture of the unpainted unit with the promise that it would be painted when the daughter arrived for occupancy.
I received an enthusiastic voicemail time stamped 3:10AM when I arrived in his office the next day.What time is that in L.A.12:10? It was a go; money wired, lease and addendum FedExed. With steady driving dad and daughter will be in Philly on the day after tomorrow.
The pressure was on me to get that unit painted. Doable but close. Anthony’s the man to bring the apartment across the finish line. He hasn’t let me down all summer. I called him, and he agreed to get right on it.
That afternoon, I stopped in to see Anthony’s progress on the 3rd floor Parrish St. Nothing was done; no prep, no paint, no drop cloths…..nothing. I called Anthony and he said he was just finishing up a job and he would get to Parrish that night. He said he’d paint straight through if needed. I took him at his word, he’d not let me down yet.
Called LA Dad and told him to meet me in my office when he arrived in Philly with his daughter the next day. I’d accompany him and his kid to the apartment. I’d to do a final check before I gave her the keys.
Tomorrow came, as it does most days. Bummed a ride to the property with the L. A. Dad and his daughter. Great people, exhausted from the trip but as nice and enthusiastic about the apartment as can be. Supportive dad catching his daughter’s wave. This was going to be a great triumph!
The 3 of us arrive on Parrish in a few minutes. The daughter, so damned juiced she wanted to run a few things up to the apartment while her dad gave me a lift back to the office.
About a minute into our 5 minute ride back to my office, dad’s cell rang.
Daughter (hysterically): “There’s a naked man in my apartment!”
L.A. Dad executed a quick turn around maneuver suitable for a Hollywood chase. He ignored most traffic laws roaring back to Parrish.
The daughter was standing outside — scared, sad, mad? Dad and I sprinted up the stairs to the 3rd floor ready for battle.
There lying by the living room’s large, south facing windows was a sleeping, stark naked…….Anthony. Not a stitch on his boney body.
I explained “The naked man is the painter who must have painted all through the night to get the apartment ready for occupancy. Did a great job, don’t you think? Poor guy’s exhausted…….”
Dad and daughter seemed to buy my sincerity as well as my explanation and lame excuses. The source of the excitement,Anthony, had awakened in the ensuing cacophony of rationalizations and justifications.
Anthony ,obviously embarrassed, quietly apologized. He dressed, gathered his gear and exited the scene with his shopping cart that was stored in the first floor hall.
Later that day in my office:
Me: “Anthony — What happened?”
Anthony:“Well — I worked all night”
Me (realizing that CAN’T be the whole story): “Anthony, you were naked, sleeping on the floor.”
Anthony (hesitating, wondering how much he should divulge): “Well — because I was working all night, I gave myself a treat. I finished up at around 6:00 in the morning. I took a shower and only after my shower did I realized there were no towels. So I laid out in the sun to dry.”
Me: “Lay in the sun to dry, Anthony? Like a lizard?”
Anthony (reluctantly):“I had some brandy, some beer and some weed before I showered.”
Me(incredulously):“Whaaat???”
Anthony: “It must have been the warmth of the sun that put me to sleep.”
Epilogue:
Anthony worked for me a number of years and continued to wear clothes throughout.
L. A. Daughter lived her entire 4 years of college in the Parish St. apartment without a complaint.
Rumors of her engagement to Anthony proved to be false.
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