The Myth Of Being Perfect.

“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

For a long time, I would be unwilling to accept that I knew something if I did not know everything about that topic. How seemingly foolish of me. This is despite my father telling me that what one knows is a fistful, and what one doesn’t know is like an ocean.

But this is a consequence of me being “wanting to be perfect.”

Asking clarifying questions or telling people I don’t know would terrify me. I would be consumed with guilt thinking of why didn’t I know things.

The fear and the obsessive need to know everything, the reason why I had high standards for myself was that I wanted things to be perfect. If there was a meeting to attend, I had to know everything and more about the topics discussed. If there was an examination, I had to be able to answer all questions. You get a general idea.

It was only later that I learned that this is normal, this is how the world functions. You seek and you learn.

There is no such thing as perfection. Perfection is defined as “the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.”

Well, unless you are nature or God, this state is unattainable by us human beings. It is impossible to know everything, and you can only prepare so much. What matters is that you strive to be the best at what you do, i.e excellence is what matters in the long run.

The wanting to be perfect need is like wearing a 1000 pound armor around yourself instead of being feather-light and fly around.

Over the years, of course, I have loosened the reigns on myself because my obsession to be perfect harms only me and no one else.

I have also learned that:

Wanting to be Perfect robs of you of opportunities.

Oftentimes, when one has a strong desire to know it all well before committing to doing something, they would hold back. This attitude is different from “jumping into the water first, then learning to swim.” The truth is you learn better by practical hands-on experience rather than mere bookish knowledge.

Wanting to be Perfect deters your ability to learn.

Perfection is more of a deterrent than an incentive. The obsessive need to be perfect makes you believe that if you don’t get it right immediately, you are no good.

Imagine the days when you were learning to walk as a child. It would be absurd to want to walk perfectly from day 1. And even worse, what if you scolded yourself for not walking perfectly on day 1. Would you be willing to try walking again?

Whenever we set out to learn anything, it is but natural that things look scary, unknown. Only when we keep going does it all start to make sense. Therefore progress is attainable by consistency and not by being perfect from day 1.

Wanting to be Perfect inhibits you from speaking up, learning things that you do not know.

Earlier I would be petrified of speaking up in a meeting if I did not 100% of what everyone was talking about. This was, of course, a high expectation that I had set for myself. Many a time, I have observed this leads to being fearful and sets one back from discovering and learning new things.

Growth and learning need a conducive environment, wherein we are allowed and encouraged to make mistakes, with the only commitment that we make progress every day. That should be our attitude to life in general.

Wanting to be perfect is a form of seeking external validation and is unhealthy for growth.

If we examine why we need to be perfect, it is because we want to please everyone around us. We have all grown up hearing “the donkey, father, and son story” from Aesop’s fables. Therefore we should know by now that it is virtually impossible to please everyone. But that doesn’t stop us as a society to expect that from everyone.

If we keep seeking external validation, we lose the joy out of learning and living.

My teacher would tell us a story — “If there was a beautiful dress with a little dot of dirt, everyone’s attention will go towards the dirt. Therefore it is your responsibility to wash it thoroughly and make sure it stays beautiful.”

While I agree that it is our responsibility, what we must also remember is that it is also ok to look at it as just a stubborn piece of dirt and not lose the love for the dress.

“Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack in everything That’s how the light gets in.” ― Leonard Cohen

Wanting to be perfect makes you a highly critical person. Of yourself and others.

When you expect flawlessness out of yourself, it is only natural that you start expecting it out of others close to you. Wanting to do it all right, combined with validation makes us very difficult to please because everything falls short of our expectations. And this makes us very critical people. Critical of ourselves and others from whom we expect perfection.

Only when we give others and ourselves the freedom to be imperfect, make mistakes, and more importantly be ok with making mistakes, only then we would give learn and grow.

Perfection is a self-destructive behavior that bogs us down and prevents us from running after our dreams, living our lives.

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.” ― Michael J. Fox

Yes, perfection is indeed God’s business, and not ours. While we can aspire to be the best versions of ourselves and strive for excellence, having such a high bar would only stop us from making any sort of progress.

The next time we hold ourselves back due to fear of not getting it right or looking foolish lets pause and observe ourselves. Is it our need to be “perfect?”.

It is high time we accept that we are all imperfectly perfect and unique human beings and feel complete pride in that.

“People are good or half good or a quarter good, and it changes all the time- but even on the best day nobody’s perfect.” ― Colum McCann

And that’s normal and OK.