The Mystery of Flight

and the terror of turbulence

Hard to imagine that any pre-prepared meal can be good at 40,000 feet, but the red wine was acceptable, better than that, served at cabin temperature, in a glass, not plastic, and though some would argue I overpaid, traveling first class, there would be no argument from me. But enjoying two glasses with my dinner and then having the luxury of lying flat, priceless!

The first bump came out of a clear blue sky. CAT, not the furry type, (Clear Air Turbulence) is often elusive to detection, even on the most modern airplanes. The second bump was harder, like the elevator misjudged the floor. I looked at Jenny, apprehension on her brow, and the telltale knees tight together.

“It’s turbulence, honey. Everything is fine,” and she appears to settle as the seat belt sign illuminates with a pleasant ‘gong’ accompaniment. The pilot follows up instantly from the flight deck.

“This is the captain. I’ve switched on the seat belt sign. Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts. Flight attendants, please return to your jump seats at once…” Don’t you think they all sound like Clark Gable? Then a loud rush of air and a jarring jolt through the cabin interrupts his voice. There is silence for thirty seconds, and the captain’s voice returns. “As you can feel, we have hit an area of turbulence. It is not uncommon, and you are safe while belted in your seat. I will be asking for a different altitude and hopefully find calm air. In the meantime, please relax.”

Not easy with your underwear deep in your crack!

The captain’s voice has a well-trained calmness to its tone. Even so, in a moment of desperation, you might prefer John Wayne or Sully Sullenberger.

“I want to pray, Harry,” Jenny says.

“For what Honey? The attendants won’t leave their seats if you want more wine.”

“Because I’m scared. It’s the kids and the grandkids. What if something happens?”

“Honey, listen to me. Turbulence is part of flying. It’s uncomfortable, not threatening. The only problem is that when the captain turns the seat belt light off, there’s going to be a line for the restroom. Grab my hand. If you feel it tremble, we say a prayer, okay?”

I have always struggled to be reassuring. Humor is the way I know. Trust me, it doesn’t always work. Another jolt, stiff, like dropping a steel bar ten feet, sends a nerve tingling sensation through the cabin. Murmurs, prayers, can be heard rippling across aisles, seat to seat. My hand and its possession remain as steady as the instruments in the cockpit. With all my experience, flying is an unknown, but turbulence is extremely unlikely to cause a catastrophe.

1966, the year England won the world cup (Thank you, Geoff Hurst) was the last time turbulence brought down an airplane. Not since that date has turbulence alone been responsible for disaster. That was a BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corporation) better known when I was a lad as ‘Better On A Camel.’

Airplanes and pilots are arduously trained in such conditions. Manufacturers build airplanes with immense pliable strength. A wing structure that withstands 1.5 times any forces on air frames, can handle all atmospheric tantrums far better than I can handle on of my wife’s. Trust me on this.

Far worse, and why you are asked to strap in, is what can happen inside the cabin. We’ve all seen cell phone camera footage, just as you’ve seen people who choose this time to go to the restroom. A flying body will hurt more than a suitcase falling from the overhead compartment.

Captains will pass along issues with turbulence to pilots following, helping to navigate away from such conditions, but this is not always possible, or acceptable. Altitudes on popular routes are not always available. The captain will deal with the turbulence but change altitude if possible. He wants to keep you happy.

Causes of turbulence are many, most common, I suspect, is jet streams unsuitable for fishing. Mountains, too, all that air being swept up, and none of them the same bloody height. Of course, storms love to push the current of air up and down and suddenly we’re on a freaking roller coaster. Laugh and hold your hands above your head. Clouds can be a nuisance; the pilot cannot see where he’s going and then the mountains come back into play.

Heat- that’s air warmed by the sun can cause sunburn if you’re unlucky enough to be in a window seat. It can also make a plane act like a glider. Then there’s the landing, you know, that bit where a tall building can release a side wind and suddenly, we are sideways to the runway. Always fun.

Anyway, we landed in Mexico. Jenny left her organs up there. No confessions to God, no excrement in either of our pants, and two hours standing in line to get through customs. Now this is a frightening thing, guns, dogs, timeshare, oh my god, I’m going to puke!