The Movie that Sabotaged Sister Act 3
An apocalyptic event cost us a glorious trilogy
Why does Sister Act work as a commercial religious movie while so many other faith-based movies don’t?
There are three schools of thought.
- Some of them didn’t want to be accessible for wider audiences. Too secular.
- Some of them tried to spread their message and simply failed to reach anyone who didn’t already believe.
- But only Sister Act fulfills the mission of its story: manifesting an accessible and impactful religious experience for people who don’t know how to praise.
THERE ARE TWO SCHOOLS OF THOUGHTS
There are two schools of thought about religious experiences.
One says that when evoked, a person experiences an expansion of consciousness that can only be perceived as profound. You finally know what it means to see God.
The other says sometimes you see God. Other times you see the Devil.
But just like that mouth-drooling bizarro version of Lex Luthor said in Batman v Superman, devils don’t come from the hell beneath us.
They come from Jurassic Park.
THERE ARE NO MORE SCHOOLS OF THOUGHTS
“[Theodore Rex] is basically Blade Runner with Barney. And Whoopi Goldberg. And fart jokes. Lots and lots of fart jokes. Even after two viewings it still blows my mind that a mainstream film this bizarre actually exists.
But Whoopi got her revenge with one of the most bland and bitter performances I’ve ever seen. To say she phones it in would be an insult to telephones everywhere. In every scene she’s in, it’s painfully obvious that she does NOT want to be there.” — BO SWIDERSKY
There is no need for you to watch Theodore Rex.
No, really. Please do not watch it.
You will regret it. There is not a second of the movie that makes it worth your time.
Wait…!!! I haven’t seen this in thirty years. I don’t know enough to have an opinion. Let me retract.
Instead, let me point you toward two podcasts that will more than delight you with their recaps and analysis.
If after listening to these podcasts you STILL want to watch the movie…don’t say I didn’t warn you.
JUST THE GIST
First up is Just the Gist, hosted by Bachelor-addicted Rosie and dulcet-toned adonis Jacob. These two give you just enough to sound smart at a dinner party. This episode was recorded live in front of an audience — and as usual, the show was sold out. If this is your first time listening to Rosie and Jacob, you’re in for a treat.
HOW DID THIS GET MADE?
Second is How Did This Get Made? You’ll almost certainly recognize the faces and voices of the hosts, especially since this one is also recorded live.
The trio includes one unforgettable and two pretty neat celebrities (JK ILU).
First is June Diane Raphael, famous for her roles in Burning Love, Adult Swim’s NTSF:SD:SUV:, and Grace and Frankie.
Second and third are the two guys I think were in the last season of The Good Place.
The tag line for the movie sums up whether you’ll want to watch it.
And like, leave me a comment if you decide you DO want to watch it.
Or — Sister Mary Clarence help us — if you’ve seen it and LIKE the movie.
NOTE: Look at the end of the article for further additional reading recs, including Whoopi Goldberg reflecting on the whole mess years later
NOW THAT YOU GET IT…I NEED YOUR HELP
I feel a swell of joy every time I watch Sister Act or Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.
I’m an atheist, but when I watch it? It’s the closest I’ve ever come to seeing God.
I love it so much that in the intervening years, I’ve revisited it in…strange ways. Thanks to others who are more obsessed than me.
GWEN CAROL’S SOLO REENACTMENTS
Gwen Carol is an actress with an expressiveness that rivals Sarah Cooper impersonating anthropomorphic oranges. Her TikToks contain infinite laughter potential, but it’s her reenactments of Sister Act that send me to the floor in laughter every time. She has the unique gift to embody a character entirely through physical expression — though she’s funny when she uses her own voice box, too!
BROAD CITY JOYFUL JOYFUL
And there was that WOW episode of Broad City where Sister Mary Clarence made a surprise cameo during “Joyful Joyful.”
Do you see how angry she is waiting for the Sister Act sequel she deserves? With each movie, she has seen every sign that the prophecy was true.
But the prophecy has not yet been fulfilled.
THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF NO FOOD
Many factors contributed to Sister Act 3 failing to come together, but make no doubt, powerful forces manifested to keep that film from us. The movie got great reviews, made tons of money, turned lots of people (including Lauryn Hill) into stars. And yet here we are still without the movie.
After this many years, does it matter if Theodore Rex is only partially or — as some think — entirely to blame for us never getting Sister Act 3?
I don’t care whose fault it is. Bygones, you know? I want something else.
Bigger movies than this have been resurrected. What we need is a miracle.
PETITION TO SAVE MARIA’S LITTLE BALD-HEADED BROTHER NAMED BART
We cannot let this stand.
I call on all allies to come together in this hour of need.
The road might seem complicated and hard, but that’s where I come in.
I have prepared a strategic plan that requires only five minutes from each person a day. Within three months, we will have taken over a major studio through completely legal and secure channels. That’s how we can guarantee Sister Act 3 gets greenlit.
The first step is for you to add your name to the petit —
UPDATE: Folks, it appears that dreams do come true. Based on audiences far and wide losing the battle over whether to watch the new Home Alone on Disney+, the Mouse House has greenlit Sister Act 3 to be produced by Tyler Perry and released on D+.
So in celebration…let us celebrate!
CELEBRATION
Now that I write for Script Magazine and a whole lot of other places, I’ll be sure to cover anything about the script for Sister Act 3. Once we have one.
Assuming we even need one. Divine inspiration has manifested less.
In the meantime…let the memes flow as though they were a bounty from above.
NEXT: ADDITIONAL READING FOR SISTER ACT 3/THEODORE REX
THE END
Thanks for hanging out to have a little fun with this one.
For my story, please read “I Am Trash”
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