The Mourning of You

Summary

"The Mourning of You" is a reflective and poignant free verse poem by Lori Carlson that explores the aftermath of Reye's Syndrome, which erased the author's childhood memories and altered the course of her life.

Abstract

In the poem "The Mourning of You," Lori Carlson recounts the emotional fallout from losing her past due to Reye's Syndrome as a child. She expresses a deep yearning to have known herself before the illness and the subsequent memory loss. Carlson mourns for the happy child she never knew, as well as the disconnection from her family and the struggle to find her place in the world. The poem also touches on her journey through life, characterized by darkness and solitude, as she sought refuge from the pain of not knowing her true self. Carlson reflects on the desire to heal herself and the child she once was, longing for a sense of wholeness and the joy and love that were lost. The narrative is a personal one, detailing the author's experience and the lifelong impact of a childhood tragedy.

Opinions

The author feels a profound sense of loss for the memories and identity that were erased by the illness.
There is a sentiment of alienation and a lack of belonging, as the author never truly felt a part of her own family after the illness.
Carlson suggests that her life's path was diverted and marred by the illness, leading to a life of seeking solace in isolation.
The author harbors regret for the past and the person she could have become, indicating a continuous process of mourning for the life that might have been.
Carlson conveys a wish to reconnect with her past self and heal the wounds inflicted by the disease, seeking a sense of completeness and peace.

Free Verse poem (from my Letter Series)

How I wish I had known you before the coma came and then the awakening — they all said you were a happy child full of laughter and joy but I’ve only known the sad melancholy child — eyes cast downward a permanent frown creased upon her face

If only your memory hadn’t been erased perhaps I would recognize you and you, me — I’ve never known the person who stares at me in the mirror all these long and lonely decades just as I didn’t recognize mother, father or sister back then

Mother said it was nonsense that I couldn’t remember and I believed, I believed her wanting desperately to fit in but I never did — I had no refuge from my plight no one to hold me and tell me everything will be alright

I carved my own path through life a windy, twisted road of darkened forests seeking shelter in caves so deep and dank and although I longed for the light I found no solace there — I hid from the sun, from laughter and the people I should have embraced but trust was an enemy; doubt, my friend

Even now I want to enfold you in my arms heal you and heal me too — I’d give up lifetimes to erase what that illness stole from us to know love and laughter and the peace that comes with wholeness — How long should I mourn for you, for me and the life we should have lived?

In 1972, when I was six years old, I caught mono from a water fountain at a fish hatchery. Mother gave me baby aspirin (as the doctor directed) and I went into convulsions. I ended up at UVA Hospital in Charlottesville VA. Four other children were with me in the ICU. We all had Reye’s Syndrome. Three died, one had permanent brain damage and I supposedly came out unscathed. Except — I had no memory of who I was, who my family was or the family dynamics I found myself in. This poem is the mourning for the child and adult I should have been.

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Lori Carlson writes poetry, fiction, personal essays, creative non-fiction, and articles. She focuses on Spirituality, Life Lessons, Self-Awareness, Relationships, Mental Health, and LGBTQ+. She is the Owner/Editor of Promptly Written and Not For Bedtime Stories. You can find her older stories on her Medium Blog, Ravyne’s Nest.

POETRY

The Mourning of You

Free Verse poem (from my Letter Series)