The Mother, the Swinger, Her Toddler, and a Red, Rubber Cock Ring

How a fast-thinking mom got herself out of a very awkward situation

My husband and I are swingers. We are also parents. Since our son was little he has met many of our swinging friends and sometimes their children. However, we are all very responsible adults who NEVER let our lifestyle choices interfere with parental responsibilities.

Over the years, there have been many funny moments when swinging and children intersect. What follows is one of those memorable moments.

Back when my son was a toddler and a good sleeper, my husband and I used to invite couples to our home for some wine and adult activities. One night after too much wine was imbibed, one of these couples spent the night in our guest room.

Like any party, the day after requires a deep clean. The next day as I began cleaning, my toddler entered the kitchen.

Toddler: Whatcha doing Mummy?

Me: I’m cleaning up after last night’s party. We had some friends over after you went to bed.

They were the people who gave you the little skid steer loader a few months ago.

Toddler: I wanna help?

Me: Probably not in the kitchen. You’re not quite tall enough to put anything away yet.

But you know what, you could help me tidy up the guest room. Our friends spent the night but left early this morning before you woke up.

Toddler: O.K. Let’s go.

Together, we walked up the stairs to the guest room.

As we entered the guest room, my eyes immediately noticed a bright red rubber ring resting innocently on the side table. Frantically thinking to myself, I thought oh sh*#! I can’t believe my friend’s husband left his cock ring on the table! How am I going to hide this from my toddler?

Too late. My toddler had also noticed the same bright red, rubber ring. Nothing like a primary color to attract a child’s attention.

Toddler: Mummy, what’s that? Can I have it? Is it a Lifesaver?

With the speed of light, I reacted like a superhero. Taking a deep breath, I calmly responded to my toddler:

No, it isn’t a Lifesaver. It’s something different. Come back downstairs with me and I’ll show you how it is used.

At this moment, I had no idea what I was going to show my toddler. My mind was racing.

However, I’ve always tried to answer all of my son’s questions openly and honestly. So, I pocketed the object of interest. As we walked back down the stairs, my mind raced as I thought about how I could offer my inquisitive toddler a realistic explanation for this red rubber ring.

Just as my foot hit the bottom step, my mind went BINGO! I had the solution.

Entering the kitchen, I drew my toddler’s attention to the pile of empty wine bottles filling the counter space.

Me: Oh would you look at all of these wine bottles! You know how much we enjoy having some wine with our friends. There’s only one problem.

Just like at daycare, we have to label our things.

Toddler: Really? How?

Me: Well, it’s pretty easy. When people come over to someone’s house, they often bring a bottle of wine. Party hosts also attach little charms to wine glasses so guests can identify their glasses.

Look at the wine glasses. Do you see those little charms?

Last night, our friends tagged their wine bottles with this shiny, red rubber ring.

Here, let me show you how it’s done.

Picking up an empty wine bottle from the counter, I pulled the red, rubber cock ring out of my pocket. Holding my breath, I ever so carefully slid the cock ring down the neck of the wine bottle.

Unbelievable! It actually worked.

Smiling at my toddler, I pause and say: Adults are just like children. They need labels to keep track of their belongings too. It’s just like being at daycare.

Me: Now, can I make you some pancakes for breakfast?

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