Essay
The Most Versatile Word in the English Language
Definitely not something you would expect your Grandmother to use
Warning: There is cursing ahead….a lot of serious cursing. Be advised and proceed with caution entirely at your own emotional risk.
I like to think I am an educated person. I am articulate and have a very broad vocabulary. I was taught polite manners by both my parents. My wife and I have passed those good manners on to our children. In spite of a lifetime commitment to a polite life style I frequently find myself relying on the the most versatile word in the English language….
OK now is the time to switch pages if you are offended by curses….
Last warning…
The word is….fuck.
Fuck is an amazing word. No word in the English language can rival it.
Fuck can be an adverb, an adjective, noun or verb. It can express anger, joy, insult or compliment. It is simply an amazing word. I have actually heard someone use it every way I listed above all at one time.
I will try and re-create that moment now. Here is approximately what he said:
“FUCK!!! Can you fucking believe what a fucking asshole that fucking guy was. He nearly fucked up the entire fucking game. What a dumb fuck. Thank God that last minute goal kept them from losing the fucking game. It was a beautiful fucking kick. That guy is a fucking genius. What a great fucking game.”
That was about as close as I could get in recreating a street-level performance of a near-Shakespearean recitation. In fact if Shakespeare tried to re-create it, it would sound something like this:
“God’s Blood!!! Can you believe what a goatish, mouse-eaten pig-nut that fusty fellow was. He hath nearly stewed the entire sodden-witted game. What a foul and dumb malignancy. O God, O God thank thee for thy timely and opportuned intervention. It doth kept those beslubbering fools from losing the field to our enemies who were bravely in their battles set. A beautiful kick to behold in all its glory. That fair gentleman is a wonder gaining celebrity never more admired than by the neglect of that varlet, his own teams kinsman. Of this game the age to come would say ‘this poet lies! Such heaven never touched earthly faces of sport, with such greatness before.”
..or something like that. Anyway, fuck is just a wonderful word because of its amazing universality:
Hit your finger with a hammer: “FUCK!”
Get cut off on the highway: “Fucking asshole.”
Confused: “What the fuck?”
About to crash your plane into the side of a mountain: “Oh fuck…”
Compliment a friend: “That was fucking genius.”
Criticize a friend: “Fucking moron.”
The list goes on and on. I have tried to stop using it repeatedly with no success. I even have a ceramic curse bank that was my Grandmother’s.
It isn’t big enough.
She was a professional cook. They weren’t called chefs back then. I watched her run her kitchen with an iron will that would be the envy of any Michelin chef. I had the joy of going produce shopping with her and her skill at cursing the produce sellers would have brought tears to Shakespeare himself. Yet, she was so amazingly tender with myself and my brothers.
She was an artist of cursing expression.
Go ahead and try it out if you haven’t already. Set a new record of fucking word usage. Let out all the stress and anger with one loud:
“FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”,
Who knows, it might do you a world of good…and find yourself a good cuss bank. It will definitely improve your retirement fund planning.
Emma Holiday.
Thank you for reading my work.
