Summary

Yael Wolfe reflects on the internal conflict of whether to become a mother, questioning if her desire for motherhood is influenced by societal expectations or genuine personal wish.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's personal struggle with the decision of becoming a mother. Yael Wolfe, now older and more introspective, expresses hesitation about motherhood, considering her own emotional baggage, career insecurities, and the societal pressures that have shaped her views on motherhood. She challenges the cultural narrative that equates womanhood with motherhood, pointing out the lack of representation for content childless women. Wolfe acknowledges the transformative nature of both motherhood and the choice to remain childless, emphasizing that either path should be free from regret or societal judgment. She advocates for a thoughtful approach to such a life-altering decision, recognizing that the choice to have children is irreversible and should not be driven by fear of regret or conformity to norms.

Opinions

The author feels that the decision to become a mother should not be taken lightly and requires careful consideration of one's emotional readiness and life circumstances.
Wolfe believes that societal expectations have a significant impact on women's views about motherhood, often pressuring them into the role without considering their personal desires or alternative life paths.
She questions the cultural belief that motherhood is the ultimate source of joy and fulfillment for women, suggesting that this narrative is incomplete and fails to acknowledge the happiness derived from other aspects of life.
The author expresses concern about the potential negative consequences of becoming a mother unwillingly, both for the mother and the child.
Wolfe advocates for the acceptance of childlessness as a valid and fulfilling life choice, which should be respected equally to the choice of becoming a parent.
She emphasizes the importance of having diverse role models, including childless individuals, to provide a more balanced perspective on life's possibilities.
Wolfe rejects the notion that regret should be used as an argument for having children, arguing that the possibility of regret exists in both having and not having children.

The Most Important Question We Should Ask Before Becoming Mothers

Hint: It has nothing to do with how we would raise a child

Though I carry some grief about being childless-by-circumstance, I am very ambiguous about having children. People seem surprised when I say that. At my age, shouldn’t I be extra motivated to get on that before it’s too late?

I can remember how excited I was to become a mother when I was in my twenties. Thankfully, with age has come a sense of caution. Thoughtfulness. Care and consideration.

I find myself more hesitant about motherhood these days. Sometimes only because I’m too hard on myself, I suspect. For instance, in my twenties, I thought I’d be a kick-ass mom. As I’ve aged, I’ve come to realize that I’m just a flawed human schlepping around a dozen suitcases full of emotional baggage. Now I know that my future children would end up carrying some of that. That gives me pause.

In some areas, I’ve become infinitely more patient, but in others, much less so. I can be quick to frustration in ways I never was as a young woman. That gives me pause.

I struggle with my self-confidence, especially in my career. I’ve never been able to consistently increase my salary, even as I obtained higher levels of education and expertise. Is that fair to my future children who would rely on me to give them a good life? That gives me pause.

As I’ve aged, I’ve come to realize that I’m just a flawed human schlepping around a dozen suitcases full of emotional baggage. Now I know that my future children would end up carrying some of that.

And yes, I lean in the other direction, too. I see mothers holding their kids on their lap and it makes me long for a child of my own. I’m addicted to the scent of my nephew Alex’s hair and wonder what it would be like to hold someone that tiny who actually belonged to me. And I worry when I think about the future — that eventually, I will come to the end of the train tracks and biological motherhood won’t be a choice, anymore.

Despite all this, I still feel hesitant.

Yes, babies are a miracle. Yes, motherhood is amazing (or so they say). Yes, I always wanted to be a mom. But babies are also loud and demanding. Motherhood is also merciless and unrelenting. And of course I wanted to be a mom — in the world in which I grew up, not being a mother wasn’t even a consideration.

That’s when I started wondering: Do I really want to be a mother or was that desire born from our cultural expectations about women?

I do not have an answer to this. I have a pretty strong maternal streak, it’s true, but does that have to translate into being someone’s mother? Would I have wanted to be a mom if, as a child, I had had more childless role models (or really, any at all?) who were content with their lives?

It’s the weight of the issue that makes me so suspicious. With the exception of finding a husband, I can’t think of anything that most of my contemporaries chased harder than motherhood. It was so important to most of us to become mothers.

Do I really want to be a mother or was that desire born from our cultural expectations about women?

Why were so many of us so determined to become mothers above all else? Why wasn’t it one of many options? Or an option to be considered among other options? Even during my Gen X coming of age, no one in my circle aspired to have children and a career. I wanted to be a writer more than anything else, but no one seemed to want to talk about our careers.

The few women in my life who had never married or had children (a result of circumstance, not choice) were talked about in pitied tones. They’ll never know real love without becoming a parent, some said. Or Who will take care of them when they’re old? Or They’ll regret not finding a way to have a child someday. There’s no greater joy in life.

I always felt that there was so much missing from the story. I still think there’s so much missing from the story.

I believe motherhood is really the most incredible, soul-transforming journey…and also not a big deal, at all. I think not having children is also a soul-transforming journey…and also not a big deal, at all.

In short, it doesn’t matter, either way, despite what our cultural beliefs tell us.

Yes, I want to take care of myself by pursuing the things I think will make me happy. But there are certain decisions in life you can’t remake. You can divorce your spouse, but you can’t pick a new kid (or return them, altogether). That’s why the argument that you might regret not having kids seems so absurd to me. I also might regret having them. I can imagine few regrets worse than becoming a mother and finding out you actually don’t want kids. It seems completely backwards that we make the regret argument in favor of children — children who would suffer gravely from being born to an unwilling mother. If we’re going to have regret, let’s at least prevent the spread of collateral damage.

So for now, I will remain ambiguously childless, despite my advancing age. Back when I had all the time in the world, I ran toward motherhood with all the destructiveness and determination of a bull running through the streets of Pamplona.

But the less time I have, the more time I take to consider: Do I really want this?

I wish I had been asking myself that question all along.

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