The Most Frustrating Phenomenon about My Journey to Wholeness

I’d say, first off, that my journey is very much an aggressive learning path. I consume a lot of information and try to wire it all together to make a wholistic world view. The goal of my journey (which itself took a long time to find words for) is to “build the infrastructure between minds”. By that I mean finding the fundamental unit or interaction that exists both within the world and within the self that can simplify all problems to their essence.

As you can probably imagine, there is no real one place of study or field to go into because, if I am actually doing things properly, it should apply itself to any field easily. So I end up bouncing around a lot and racking my brain all night trying to put together shit that have no reason to be together like Love, Economics, and Particle physics.

I think everyone has their own vehicle for understanding themselves and finding inner peace regardless of if they have words for it. I think mind just happens to be this one because I can’t seem to stop trying to do it without instantly being overcome with a unbearable meaninglessness.

All well and good, right? Whats frustrating about learning about everything if I am such a supposedly curious person?

Well, every time I learn something and figuring out something by myself in a slow a methodical march, I soon encounter someone talking about the ideas all in simple terms. Often within a day or two, certainly within a week.

I find it extremely helpful, awe inspiring, frustrating, and painful all at the same time and I guess this is me trying to understand why in words.

It makes my journey feel pointless because what I learned ended up being another cycle of having reinvented the wheel out of the countless times I have done so in my effort to have a wholistic view of the Universe. I get pissed off at how much I had to struggle to understand something only for me to have probably been able to understand it if I just found this video or book or person (or whole field in some cases).

I asked myself in a recent encounter with this same phenomenon if I would have actually been able to understand this topic. The answer was still yes. However, different from usual, I asked myself if “I would have been able to accept what I was learning before this point?”. That I couldn’t answer yes or no to.

I think this is because I am getting to the point where what I am learning is really an affront to my understanding of my own Moral Compass and Being as well as opens up an understanding of the insane Power that is potentially at play (and very likely is presently at play) against us all psychologically. It’s disturbing to have something chip away at your own orientation of Good and even you faith in the Good of humanity or existence itself and multiple big insights in a row, now, have been exactly this. Pounding down the tiny doors that I never open for my own sanity on the journey and asking me to question it.

So when I finally do get to the other side of these intense internal conflicts, I have to assume that the only reason the answers spread out like they've be sunbathing while waiting for me to get through my existential crisis, is because I wouldn’t have accepted the reality otherwise.

Meaning from Knowledge

But that strips away something subtle: My sense that what I have learned matters. I know, on the one hand, that the truth is sitting there regardless of if anyone knows it or not. But what does it mean to have walked up the stairs of the truth if there was an escalator all along? What does it matter that I had walked the stairs? Does it mean anything that I walked the stairs? This is not clear and knowing that the escalator has been build makes it unclear why I ended up taking the stairs in the first place.

The little bit of intellectual value I felt I could offer (maybe building escalators for others) to anybody else is destroyed as now I could just send them to the escalator that happened to be there already. That is part of why I want to be at the leading edge of things and when I discover that I am not, it is very discouraging. I feel like I am useless for anything other than being some kind of sign post to get to the top of the mountain, which technically is probably true at the moment.

Part of this is probably egoistic in some way but I have been like this for so long that it is hard to feel like it is coming from a subverted negative place. For me personally, I really value novelty, so I want to be at a place, intellectually where everything I engage with is nourishing my mind with interest. I would have been a regular scientist or a researcher if it weren't for the sheer amount of psychological manipulation and lying that is at play in our society as well as the sheer amount of ignorance I had as a human being. Thats for another conversation though.

For me, it takes so much time and effort in these conditions to break my brain down of all the bias and self doubt being pressed upon it by my own experiences. But that’s the amount of time and effort needed to open up new avenues of interpretation on reality to get novel coherent information out of a zeitgeist that is constantly trying to deceive you for Money, Power, Clout, or whatever other weak bullshit or trauma people cant look beyond. When I start actually pulling in good info on the nature of reality, I cant help but look at it like it’s a cruel joke by God when I look left and see someone already said it and said it pretty conveniently as well.

I just sigh, wipe the sweat off my brow, mark the spot for future reference, and keep climbing up the mountain to greater clarity of the Human Condition. I think the best I could do, at least as I go up, is find meaning in being closer to the peak of said mountain and look past the alternate ways that could have been. When I zoom out from my frustration, I can clearly tell that I take my comfort and easy very personally (which is surprisingly explainable, probably in another essay) and the fact that I missed out on a smooth journey of understanding(or at least I feel I missed out) just pisses me off, in a neurotic way.

Okay Rant Over: The Big Picture

On the other hand, this consistent (and down right magical) occurrence makes this whole learning process really seamless for me, and I am actually grateful for it. I often need to solve something in myself and once I do, the right people, conversations, and information just appear and fill me in to what I need to figure out. I get up to speed really quickly and get new words to describe things with greater precision. It’s like retroactive clarity, where you somehow get a teacher, after you learn the lesson.

I think it is also a good moment to notice, if I choose to acknowledge it, the God factor. I think this process is one of the only aspects of my life where God actually makes an appearance with decisiveness and regularity. Its strange that I have so much confidence in this pattern that it actually is a normal part of my life, even though it makes absolutely no causal sense.

I say this because often times I find extremely ‘on the nose’, books or people or topics in the most obscure places. Like “several-standard-deviations-of-Rabbit-hole” obscure and all by following my own intuition, even if it had nothing to do with my realization.

It feels like I consciously figure out aspects of life from one direction of rotation in a circle and as soon as I take a step forward, I am handed the second, third, forth, fifth step on a plate from a force that draws me in from the other direction of rotation. In the very complicated and often dark world that we live in, it is really nice and honestly, quite important that I have something like this that can remind me of why I believe in a God in the first place. I didn’t always.

That’s not to say I understand why it is that such a being (God) would allow this much suffering and ignorance on the planet in the first place. Maybe God is an asshole for all I know. But at least, he’s not 100% asshole. Which means something. Something I intend to find out for myself. I take the stance that God is Causality so I don’t see a point in splitting his will in two and suggesting some other part of it is a mistake. The good and the bad are all God’s doing and our job is to wrestle with why the hell that could possibly be, and impossible a task that is.

Anyway, I think the last thing is that moments like this also flash in my mind the reminder that I am not alone. By that I mean, I may be making this journey in a way unique to my specific experience and it may feel like a lonely one, but other people have gotten to the checkpoints I have. They have seen the problems and paradoxes I have seen. Which is a good sign that there is a concerted effort to find a wholistic view of existence where our humanity has its place in it. There is a will to be a part of a whole that yearns too for your part in it or at the very least a will to know with certainty if it does or does not exist.

And the fact that they left an escalator, regardless of if it isn’t obviously or conveniently placed like all of the distractions seem to be, shows that they wanted to make it easier for the next guy to scale the mountain. And those little signs of life and care are good to know in the very niche (or maybe broad?) domain I am trying to understand. A lot of wise and kind people have travelled (and are traveling) these winding roads and it is nice to know that I walk in the foot steps of people that I can genuinely admire, even if they are long gone from this world. I would like to see what they saw myself, wherever this road took them.