The Most Effective Thing Men Can Do to Topple the Patriarchy

Let’s tackle the beast of male entitlement

“I’m not moving until you agree to go out for a drink with me.”

This is one of the most chilling things a man ever said to me. It might sound innocuous enough (and I’ll circle back to that in a moment), but given the circumstances, it was terrifying.

Eric was a colleague who had made his interest known when he started asking me questions about my canning project and the broken chain on my bicycle. I was perplexed — I hadn’t mentioned any of this to him. That’s when he confessed he had googled me and read the last few years’ worth of entries on my slow living blog.

Sure, that was all public information, but I was immediately on edge when he chose to approach me in that way, having gleaned all that knowledge about me instead of just getting to know me in real life. Even 10 years ago, I knew this type of behavior didn’t tend to lead to healthy relationships. Something about it felt incredibly invasive.

Soon after, he asked me out for drinks, but I didn’t have romantic feelings for him, nor did I feel comfortable with the idea of dating a coworker. I’ve always had a boundary about that. But because his invitation wasn’t for “a date,” but “drinks,” I didn’t want to make it more than it was and simply declined by telling him I was too busy. I figured if he was indeed asking for a date, he’d get that such a vague answer indicated a lack of interest, and would appreciate a soft no.

Unfortunately, it turned out he hadn’t taken it as a no, at all.

He began waiting for me in the lobby of the building where we worked each evening, to walk me to my car. I felt extremely uncomfortable with this, and laughed nervously the first time he did it, mentioning that, though I appreciated his kindness, I did not need an escort. On subsequent nights, I tried to make it clearer that I was uncomfortable with him walking me to my car. He only replied, “That’s nonsense.”

After a week of that, I began staying at work for an extra hour, knowing he would be gone by the time I made it to the lobby. I spent days grading papers and prepping a classroom that didn’t need more prepping instead of going home and relaxing, simply to avoid this man.

Four days later, as I emerged from the building into the dark parking lot, lit by two streetlamps, I saw only two cars in the lot: mine and his. And his was parked in front of mine, blocking me in.

He leaned out of the driver’s side window when he saw me. “Hey, I’ve decided I’m done playing Mr. Nice Guy. I’m not moving until you agree to go out for a drink with me. Right now. There’s a bar across the street. I’m not gonna take no for an answer.”

Absolutely everything about this man’s behavior was not okay. “Inappropriate” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

But let’s make one thing clear: The circumstances of this terrifying moment in my life are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if we had just met, if it was broad daylight, if we weren’t coworkers, or if a dozen people had been around. He had no right to block my car and demand a date under any circumstance.

As I’ve gotten older, I’m incredibly alarmed by how many men out there share this level of entitlement. There seems to be an underlying belief that many of them have that women must say yes to their every request. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to go on a date. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t ready for sex. It doesn’t matter if she has a headache. He has a need that must be met and he’s chosen the person who is going to meet it. And that’s that.

After the #MeToo movement hit its stride, and 2020 forced us to confront our culture’s systemic oppression, you would think we’d have made more progress on this subject, in particular. And yet with the booming number of men flocking to incel forums and the endless media attention given to men’s loneliness crisis, it seems like we haven’t made any progress, whatsoever.

Too many men are still as entitled as ever.

“If my wife won’t give it to me, can’t I just have an affair? If she’s breaking the marriage vows, can’t I break them, too?”

It’s unusual for a man to actually ask me a question like this. Usually he’ll tell me, because many of them aren’t actually interested in my (or any other woman’s) opinion.

I wish I could say I was intrigued by those question marks. But they just didn’t hold my interest, considering the questions they followed, and the amount of men I’ve heard from who believe this is okay.

Is it in the marriage vows that a woman will sexually please a man whenever he desires? Hmmm, I’ve been to a lot of weddings in my life, but I don’t ever remember hearing that one… I’ve heard vows of fidelity, faithfulness, and honesty. But I’ve yet to hear a woman swear before God, pastor, and family: “I will open my legs to you whenever you want (or at least once a week) for as long as we both shall live.”

If she loses interest in sex — which is not breaking a wedding vow — why not just end the marriage if he’s unhappy with that? Why is it okay for him to pretend she broke a vow so he can rationalize breaking another one? (Repeatedly, I might add…)

Though I confess, I already know the answer to this. Men explain it on social media all the time. Just go look at one of Mending Me’s videos, where Nat regularly talks about marital coercion.

Her comment sections are typically peppered with statements like this:

• “If she’s going to stop having sex, I guess I’ll drop my end of the bargain and stop paying the bills — maybe she’ll feel differently when she’s living on the street.”
• “If she can’t meet my [sexual] needs, then I will stop meeting hers [referring to emotional needs].”
• “If she stops putting out, I’ll just get it somewhere else — that’s the deal.”
• “I’m not going to put up with a wife who won’t give it to me regularly.”

I’ve gotten these comments repeatedly, as well, and it will never cease to shock me how willing men are to publicly state with their full chest that they see their wives as prostitutes. They paid for her, and now they are entitled to use her as they see fit.

If you’re wondering what happened with Eric, I had a breakdown in the parking lot, but because I was so terrified, I lied and told him I was crying because my dog was sick. Sorry, but there’s no way I was going to stand there in a deserted parking lot at night with a man who was trying to physically coerce me into a date that I definitely was not interested. That is not a safe man.

The next day, I decided to write him an email very explicitly stating my boundary about not dating co-workers. I did this to force his hand into a written response, which both protected my physical safety and also would give me evidence to bring to the school board if things continued to escalate.

I was kind and professional in my email, and he responded with the following:

“I’m shocked that you misunderstood my intentions. I simply wanted to have a drink with a colleague and talk about work. You are fat and unattractive — I would never date a woman like you. Please do not speak to me at work ever again. You seem to be delusional.”

I wasn’t at all shocked. This is the response that I have gotten from every single man I have said no to, with only one exception. (Goddess bless you, Kurt!) It’s also the most common response my friends have received when they turned down a man.

Why such contempt? Such cruelty? It seems the only logical explanation (so far as I can see) is that these men so deeply believe that we owe them a date, a relationship, and sexual fulfillment that when we derail their plans, they strike back as viciously as possible, hoping to do permanent damage.

I suspect it’s another vow they believe we made to them: That we would always say yes. And if we break that imagined vow, they will enact the severest punishment they can.

And don’t let’s forget that not too long ago, when men’s entitlement was just a little more protected than it is today, they would’ve just taken what they wanted, anyways, and no one would have cared.

What do we do in a world that is still so concerned with men’s entitlement to sexual and romantic attention from women? We should be bringing this to the center of conversations about equality, and instead, the media is trying to find a new way to spin it by drawing attention to the allegedly systemic loneliness epidemic that men are experiencing. (I guess the epidemic of women’s loneliness isn’t as important…)

I fear we have a long way to go before we heal this, considering how many men I have encountered in my life who believe, on a fundamental level, that women are objects here to make their lives better. It’s so indoctrinated into so many men, in fact, that this is why they can publicly admit that they see their wives as prostitutes — services that they purchased when they married them — and not realize the harm inherent in their words.

It’s going to take the deprogramming of men on a collective level for us to be able to bring down the epidemic of male entitlement. And that doesn’t seem likely, considering how much they benefit from this belief.

Perhaps it is women who will turn the tide. So many women of my generation are no longer interested in relationships — or rather, what passes for relationships in this culture. We want to be with a partner who sees us as a person — not an object to be used. Despite what many men seem to think, it’s not vengeance, retaliation, or a feminist agenda. On the contrary, we simply do not want to engage in circumstances where our humanity is not recognized.

Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

Women around the world are moving into a similar headspace. We just want peace and are willing to step back from it all in order to get it, even if that means engaging less with the demographic that is most likely to not only disturb that peace but actively cause us harm.

Maybe one day, our absence from these toxic dynamics will lead us to a world in which men are able to recognize our humanity. A world where they don’t see a wife’s body as their property. A world where no man would dare to block a woman’s car in a deserted parking lot at night, demanding a date.

© Y.L. Wolfe 2023

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