The Morning When Maria Left Me

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2071

Abstract

tten in the stars for me. I was blooming in the shadows of Berlin’s night clubs, I enjoyed sunrise only between a foggy party and the faint-to-sleep that came afterwards, I literally didn’t know how to breathe in sunlight. Still, the frames that had just crossed my mind seemed new, troubling, but appealing, so I figured I would take the first steps towards the Saturday breakfast never had I done before and just see where life takes us.I asked Maria if she wanted me to prepare coffee. She looked at me, in shock. Her almond-shaped sometimes blue, sometimes green eyes were measuring me from head to toe…. as if she didn’t know who I was and she wanted to acknowledge me for the first time. She looked out of the window and mumbled some weird phrase…. snow has really gone to his head… Then she started laughing, laughing like crazy, while I was totally puzzled and felt as if she had frozen me to the wall with her looks. From that hysterical laughter, I heard her almost screaming at me: you still don’t remember anything about me, do you, not even that I don’t drink coffee? And then she got dressed and rushed through the door like a hurricane, out there in the creepy snow. My headache was back, trying to kill me, while I tried to run after her on the icy path in front of the house, but she turned to me and whispered, her face all covered in tears: stop right there! I need to go, so please, just let me go.Puzzled and without any single word crossing my mind, I entered back in and sat down on the floor. Dizzy and confused. I crawled to the other room and unveiled the painting I was working on with Maria: it was her and only her, dressed in a deep-blue robe, green eyes and a black hair ponytail. Her face didn’t seem naughty anymore, but ironic …not even that I don’t drink coffee you couldn’t remember about me… I was beginning to feel a strange mixed effect of yesterday’s tequila shots and the first signs of a panic attack. I breathed shortly several times with my right hand on my chest, but it felt like instead of a

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ir, only paint and sweat was going up my nose. I realized I was sweating and shivering with cold at the same time… My headache hadn’t stop for a moment and the image of Maria running through the door was overlapping with the image of my mother taking her pills for schizophrenia, with shaking hands and while mumbling “I must take care to be ok, I must take care to be ok.” I panicked even more and realized I needed not to be alone. I grabbed my phone, looked at it scared, scared as hell, as I didn’t know who to call but finally, with my mother’s shaking hands, I wrote to Rach “I’m afraid”.I laid on the floor, waiting. My left hand was on the phone, my right hand was on my chest and I was still trying to breathe in, breathe out so the panic would stop… I focused on my breathing again and again and slowly I started seeing the pink hair and forever smiling eyes of Rachel somehow erasing the disturbing images of the two women that decided to leave me. It was so much sun in Rachel’s playful smile that I stopped shivering and I realized I was back in full control of my body. I didn’t move from the floor. I heard the sound of in-coming message and I desperately quickly opened my phone to read Rachel’s text: “30 minutes, hang on”.I don’t remember when Rach let herself in. Probably I had fallen asleep and when I woke up, Rach was in the yard playing with the little dog in the fluffy snow. She was throwing snowballs everywhere and he would run after them barking with surprise when he was biting to catch them, but the snow was just flying all around. She was wearing a mint long jacket, with a yellow knitted scarf and she looked like a very colorful doll, because of the pink hair. I felt warm and happy. I opened the window to tell her I’m glad she came. I didn’t get to utter a word because she saw me and she smiled at me, waving. She ran into the house, with all that snow on her boots, she hugged me, ruffled my long curly hair and whispered while kissing me “my love, what dream was it this time?”</article></body>

A day with winter, coffee and tulips

you can hear me reading this story here

I remember it was the first day of winter, with snow and wind outside, so bad that you could hear it from every corner of the house. Music was playing loud, as I hated the sound of the struggling trees outside, but my headache was telling me that I hated the sound of my usual techno music too. Especially in the morning. The skinny brunette that had been my muse for the past two months jumped out of the warm bed and started dancing around the house, making the dog think it was playtime, so he was barking and jumping from bed to the floor and then back up again, frenzy.

Despite my headache and my snow-inflicted-depression, I had to admit Maria knew how to turn any situation into a let’s-play-happy-family on a cold Saturday morning. I felt exhausted from the headache but somehow dreaming. I suddenly imagined myself preparing pouched eggs on avocado toast and it was probably for the first time in the past years when I was thinking of breakfast… then my thoughts went over and over and I saw myself bringing pinkish tulips to Maria when spring conquers the damn winter… in the next frame of my imagination, I saw a little blue-eyed boy that Maria was teaching his first steps. I felt a bit of joy and a bit of anxiety… in the depth of my mind, I somehow believed that this type of happiness is not written in the stars for me. I was blooming in the shadows of Berlin’s night clubs, I enjoyed sunrise only between a foggy party and the faint-to-sleep that came afterwards, I literally didn’t know how to breathe in sunlight. Still, the frames that had just crossed my mind seemed new, troubling, but appealing, so I figured I would take the first steps towards the Saturday breakfast never had I done before and just see where life takes us.

I asked Maria if she wanted me to prepare coffee. She looked at me, in shock. Her almond-shaped sometimes blue, sometimes green eyes were measuring me from head to toe…. as if she didn’t know who I was and she wanted to acknowledge me for the first time. She looked out of the window and mumbled some weird phrase…. snow has really gone to his head… Then she started laughing, laughing like crazy, while I was totally puzzled and felt as if she had frozen me to the wall with her looks. From that hysterical laughter, I heard her almost screaming at me: you still don’t remember anything about me, do you, not even that I don’t drink coffee? And then she got dressed and rushed through the door like a hurricane, out there in the creepy snow. My headache was back, trying to kill me, while I tried to run after her on the icy path in front of the house, but she turned to me and whispered, her face all covered in tears: stop right there! I need to go, so please, just let me go.

Puzzled and without any single word crossing my mind, I entered back in and sat down on the floor. Dizzy and confused. I crawled to the other room and unveiled the painting I was working on with Maria: it was her and only her, dressed in a deep-blue robe, green eyes and a black hair ponytail. Her face didn’t seem naughty anymore, but ironic …not even that I don’t drink coffee you couldn’t remember about me… I was beginning to feel a strange mixed effect of yesterday’s tequila shots and the first signs of a panic attack. I breathed shortly several times with my right hand on my chest, but it felt like instead of air, only paint and sweat was going up my nose. I realized I was sweating and shivering with cold at the same time… My headache hadn’t stop for a moment and the image of Maria running through the door was overlapping with the image of my mother taking her pills for schizophrenia, with shaking hands and while mumbling “I must take care to be ok, I must take care to be ok.” I panicked even more and realized I needed not to be alone. I grabbed my phone, looked at it scared, scared as hell, as I didn’t know who to call but finally, with my mother’s shaking hands, I wrote to Rach “I’m afraid”.

I laid on the floor, waiting. My left hand was on the phone, my right hand was on my chest and I was still trying to breathe in, breathe out so the panic would stop… I focused on my breathing again and again and slowly I started seeing the pink hair and forever smiling eyes of Rachel somehow erasing the disturbing images of the two women that decided to leave me. It was so much sun in Rachel’s playful smile that I stopped shivering and I realized I was back in full control of my body. I didn’t move from the floor. I heard the sound of in-coming message and I desperately quickly opened my phone to read Rachel’s text: “30 minutes, hang on”.

I don’t remember when Rach let herself in. Probably I had fallen asleep and when I woke up, Rach was in the yard playing with the little dog in the fluffy snow. She was throwing snowballs everywhere and he would run after them barking with surprise when he was biting to catch them, but the snow was just flying all around. She was wearing a mint long jacket, with a yellow knitted scarf and she looked like a very colorful doll, because of the pink hair. I felt warm and happy. I opened the window to tell her I’m glad she came. I didn’t get to utter a word because she saw me and she smiled at me, waving. She ran into the house, with all that snow on her boots, she hugged me, ruffled my long curly hair and whispered while kissing me “my love, what dream was it this time?”