The More a Person Practices Self-awareness the More Attractive They Are
Three skills to work on to be more self-aware.
I fell madly in love with my partner. Again. During the start of the pandemic. We were stuck inside, quarantined, his business shut down, nowhere to go. And I loved it.
For three glorious months, I realized what is most attractive about him was his self-awareness.
I find the most attractive people possess this single quality, they have the ability to be present. They know themselves so well; they are the most comfortable people to be around.
Unexpected life changes bring clarity. The non-essential gets shoved to the background, bringing what is important into clear focus. The bs we struggle with gets downgraded, allowing presence to float to the top and remind us of who we are. Similar to stepping off a plane in a foreign country you’ve never been, where you don’t speak the language, nor are you familiar with the culture, your presence is heightened to a state of awareness.
This is what it felt like with my partner for those three months. And what it feels like to be around people who are centered in where they plant their feet. They aren’t on their phones; they listen and make eye contact. They’re very appealing to spend time with. When they walk into the room, they are all there, and you can feel it.
Those are the people others gravitate to.
When you get used to spending time with people who are present, it is challenging to spend time with people who don’t practice awareness.
In contrast, I have a dear friend who I love very much, and she’s been in my life for a long time, but she is going through a tough patch. The more I surround myself with people who are aware of how they make others feel in their presence, the harder it’s to spend time with those on the opposite end of awareness.
Recently on a walk with my friend, her ex texted something hurtful and accusatory (even though he could have expressed his thoughts with more tact and left out the personal attacks, there was some truth in the text, and my friend reacted badly).
She proceeded to have a loud, emotional meltdown, venting non-stop while raising her voice, not stopping for a breath, for about an hour. I left our time together, not energized from our walk but drained because I was the stand-in punching bag for her ex despite my asks for her to stop yelling at a high non-stop pitch. Her reaction was running her and our time together.
The one common trait that all the people I love spending time with is knowing who they are and, because of this, are aware of the feelings of those around them.
What makes some relationships easy and effortless vs. those relationships between couples who possess a cheerless vibe and make you what to run in the other direction and away from commitment are the two people in it are self-aware.
The fundamental skill of emotional intelligence is self-awareness, knowing what we feel as emotions roil within us. Self-awareness is the foundation of a healthy person, it’s the cornerstones to other positive, mental characteristics, and all healthy relationships require it.
You know you’re around a person with self-awareness because you feel good after spending time with them and want to be around them more. They attract people to them; they stand in their power and possess traits like honesty, humility, and confidence.
Qualities of people who are self-aware
#1. Humility
What attracts me to my partner is he doesn’t think he is the best at everything or better than anyone because he good looking, makes a high income, smart and can fun 100-mile races all at once. He recognizes he has certain qualities and talents that I don’t have, and I have qualities and talents he doesn’t have. He doesn’t have a superiority complex because he can run 100 miles, and I can’t run around the block (OK, I could, but I’d choose not to). He is no more or less important than me because of the qualities he values in himself. He loves different qualities in me, making me equal.
When you have humility is means you understand you are not more important than others. You understand you are not less important than others, either.
What is important and often comes with humility is that everyone has an equal right to be heard. You listen to others openly.
When one has humility, it doesn’t mean you allow others to walk all over you, either.
Humility is essential for developing assertiveness.
How to Cultivate humility
Spend time listening to others. Listening is an art and a skill. Any skill can be learned with practice. When your child or partner walks into the room and starts talking to you, put your phone down, shut your laptop, or at least walk away from it. Make eye contact and really listen.
When you do this, your message to that person is, I value you. You don’t have to solve their problems, just hear them and utter empathic murmurings like, “Tell me more,” “Oh,” and “I hear you.”
These go a long way. People want to be heard.
#2. Confidence
The self-aware have confidence and why they are comfortable to be around. Confident people feel good in their own skin, and this bounces onto those in their orbit. They are confident in handling themselves — situations and other people don’t dictate their emotions. Just because the self-aware have confidence doesn’t mean they are self-focused.
They are aware of other’s feelings around them. People with high self-esteem don’t feel the need to act as if they are above others. They don’t make people feel bad.
The confidence comes from knowing their worth, but not at the expense of those around them.
When you have a healthy dose of confidence, you take responsibility for your own inner existence and mistakes and communicate your needs calmly and clearly.
How to cultivate confidence
Confidence is something that can be learned. It is a feeling of well-being and acceptance of yourself and in your abilities, skills, and experiences. When you accept yourself, the good and the bad, you have more acceptance for those around you.
Basically, you have faith in yourself.
Recognize that you are human, and as a human, we all make mistakes, and none of us is perfect. Learn to embrace your imperfections; they, too, are what make you beautiful.
Experts say that preparation and practice build confidence. When you are realistic about what your natural abilities are and where you need work, you can work on the areas that need attention with deliberate practice and planning. If you are unsure about your ability to do something, practice can be very useful and highly recommended because, in addition to building confidence, it also tends to improve quality.
Confident people are willing to practice skills, and this breeds more confidence. They can acknowledge that they don’t and can’t know everything.
#3. They are not prisoners of their emotions
Self-aware people are not prisoners of their emotions, and instead of reacting at the slightest upset, they are aware of the feeling behind the emotion. They can get into a bad mood, sure, like everyone, but when they do, they don’t ruminate or obsess over it; they can get out of a bad mood by themselves and aren’t dependent on others to assuage their feelings.
This is the mark of a grown-up and someone with high emotional intelligence; they know how to manage their emotions.
Being able to “shake off a bad mood” is another fundamental of emotional intelligence; they have a greater ability to change their outlook on life and circumstances. Or are considered “glass-half-full” people.
When the self-aware have a meltdown (which is rare because self-awareness makes this less likely, but we’re all human), they don’t take it out on the people around them.
How to cultivate non-reaction
Practice mindfulness. This can be as simple as taking a deep breath when someone says or does something that upsets you. The first part of being self-aware is when a feeling arises, name what that feeling is.
Is it sadness, anger, fear, helplessness? What is the feeling behind the emotion?
Often sadness is behind anger, and a sense of powerlessness is what fuels rage. When you name what it is — the feeling — you’re more likely to be able to change it.
Managing feelings so they are appropriate builds on self-awareness. Someone who is both secure and emotionally self-sufficient, is someone not governed by their emotions, isn’t needy, doesn’t overreact, isn’t defensive, doesn’t make excuses, doesn’t whine, whimper, or complain.
When you have a sophistication regarding your inner emotional life, it undergirds other positive personality traits for successful relationships and attracts other people with similar qualities to you.
People who I love spending time with, like my partner, that I’m attracted to, are those people who are there in the room with me, in the moment, laughing, talking, listening, not doing two tasks at once, not caught up in their emotions or themselves.
They are self-aware.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering Type A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.