THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
It’s Time to Get Rid of the Monkey on Your Back that Whispers in Your Ear
7 out of 10 people have the same problem, are you one?
I lack a filter.
Never crass, always conscious of my audience, my words connect with care as my feelings burst forth.
My curiosity about human nature is just that, unbridled and impassioned. I am wired, mentally required, to glean understandings bigger than me. Appropriate timing or not, probing questions fly from my mouth.
A few months back, I was seated at a conference table and watched the man writing on the whiteboard. His admirable laser focus revealed the passion behind his vision as he explained his business plan.
A red marker, a green one, and black lines were made for emphasis, all drawn together with arrows, circular growth, upward climbs, and statistics. His stained thumbs took the role of his eraser and the whiteboard had residual smears.
Aside from being fascinated by his professional history, and his intelligence, I marveled at how he will continue to affect the world.
My skin tingled in the presence of this forward-thinking, mover and shaker.
My curiosity overwhelmed me.
Who is he, really?
Does he feel like he belongs?
Deep inside?
He was in the middle of his presentation and paused for a breath. I viewed this as an invitation to speak, of course. I blurted out my thoughts.
Do you ever feel like an imposter?
He stopped in his tracks but showed no offense.
The man never heard of the term imposter syndrome. I followed up by asking if he ever had flashes of being a gawky teen and wondered how he got where he did.
Did he ever question if he deserved it?
He thought for a moment and shook his head that he didn’t think so. But, he hadn’t really considered it.
We carried on.
I do believe I saw something in his eyes that told me he was going to revisit my question.
Maybe not.
Maybe he is a rare human that has never, and will never, suffer from this very common syndrome.
What is Imposter Syndrome?
Technically, the definition of imposter syndrome is, “the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.”
I can’t help but take that one step further.
Why?
Why would we feel this way?
Personally, I feel the grips of self-doubt often. It’s not severe, or persistent, but it definitely makes itself known more often than I like.
Why wouldn’t I feel my successes are deserved?
I believe it’s because I know all my shortcomings, all of my warts, and have held onto childhood and teenage angst long after their expiration date.
Though my face is lined, my hair has greyed, and my travels through life have broadened my mind and hips, I can transport right back to that awkward, ill-fitted 14-year-old.
My self-doubt was likely compounded by the years I spent believing in a dream that never existed. 25 years of marriage, almost half of my life, were spent living in a house built on sand. Though some days still rub raw, four years have elapsed since the divorce, and my insecurity has decreased.
Those feelings of shame and stupidity sat atop my gangly teen years and make me an easy target to question myself.
We all have our emotional burdens. Baggage is a given; how we unpack it to lighten the load falls squarely on our own shoulders.
When I receive recognition for a current-day endeavor, I experience an immediate physiological response. My face flames, my lungs squeeze tight, and I want out of the moment.
I feel embarrassed — red-cheeked, short of breath, disappearing into a hole — kind of embarrassment.
I don’t feel worthy of even an earned prize.
A compliment?
Praise or positive reinforcement?
I don’t feel worthy.
I am that person that always answered a compliment with a back-pedaled apology. It took me years of practice to simply respond with, “thank you.”
Digging in and unearthing root issues are key steps for me.
Many people get squirmy with deep digging.
Putting your emotional wellness under a microscope can be unsettling.
What will you see?
Is it better not to look?
Avoidance makes for a bigger problem.
If we don’t dig deep, we let our internal dialogue run rampant with no one at the controls. It grows and takes over until it becomes a monkey on our back whispering negativity in our ears.
I’m guilty of it.
Even as I share this with you, I question whether my insight matters. In the hopes that just one person is enlightened, I forge on.
Putting an End to Imposter Syndrome
No matter how much evidence there is that we’re successfully navigating our lives, jobs, and relationships, many of us hold false beliefs that we aren’t actually as capable or smart as others think we are. This is called imposter syndrome, or imposter phenomenon. ~ Cleveland Clinic
The work to combat this challenge can only come from me and be done by me. The same goes for you if you suffer from this fear of discovery that people believe in your achievements and abilities more than you do.
We aren’t alone.
I work on my internal dialogue in several ways.
Feelings are Not Facts
Telling myself that I don’t deserve praise doesn’t mean I really don’t deserve it. My feeling is just that, mine. A feeling. Only I can reroute that.
I make myself shake it off. Facts are more appealing. I earned something. Good on me.
I halt the analysis; it has no positive place.
Don’t Compare Apples to Oranges
Part of my negative inner voice stems from seeing what others say or do or write. Such elegant wording, beautiful prose, and obvious scholars of topics keep clouding my vision.
I envy them.
They are not me. I am not them. I remind myself daily that there is room for all of us. It’s okay to be me, really. Simple and clean is my comfort zone.
Help Others to Help Yourself
I am acutely aware of others who exhibit the signs of imposter syndrome. By talking to them, and reassuring them of their value and purpose, I walk away a little taller.
My talks with similar sufferers are ultimately helpful to me. Hearing the words of encouragement that come out of my mouth reinforces that same pep talk for me.
The Cleveland Clinic goes on to report that one study estimated that 7 in 10 adults experience imposter syndrome at some point or another.
Turn imposter syndrome on its head: Remember that smart, high-achieving people most often deal with imposter syndrome. So the very fact that you recognize it in yourself says a lot about you. “True imposters don’t have this feeling,” Dr. Albers states. Let that be motivation to continue pushing forward.
Look around and remember that more than half of us feel the same way.
Just because people walk with confidence and speak eloquently is no indication that they aren’t one of us.
Interestingly, it’s often people who are hard workers, high achievers, and perfectionists who are most likely to feel like frauds — including many doctors, lawyers, academics, and celebrities.
“Even Einstein once said that he thought his research got way more attention than he thought it deserved,” Dr. Albers says.
Albert Einstein, you, me, and the monkeys on our backs.
We keep good company, don’t you think?
Remind yourself of the following as often as you need.
- Feelings are not facts.
- Don’t compare apples to oranges.
- Help others to help yourself.
You are worthy.
We all are, even me.
(The above story has been revised since its original posting in January with a now-closed publication. Ironically or not, it was a thank-you story for a prize I had won. Of course, it took a bit to write after I came out of hiding.)
Read these similar thoughts by Julie KingGood who always takes me by surprise:
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