The Mommy Hater’s Club

What the New York Times’ report, Primal Scream, reveals about motherhood in America.

The recent New York Times article, the Primal Scream, is about women who are stuck at home with their kids as a result of the pandemic. For some, they are meeting their children for the first time, and they at their wits’ end. It is a great couple of essays, however, there is too much focus on the bad side of mommyhood.

Calling from the Iron Cage of Motherhood

From the screaming voice messages to their ominous pictures of death by housework, to the selection of recorded complaints of moms crying about how hard their lives are. It all to me seems like a feminist rant about how raising a family is throwing women back to the stone age.

The pervasive sentiment throughout NYT series, is not just how and why the pandemic is not working out for moms, it is also about how being a mom is not working out for these women. “I do not like my kids,” says one mom. “I am doing my sixth load of laundry,” says another. Who said, this job was easy? Sorry, you just gotta put in the work and the prayers. Why? Because it makes the world a better place.

I may sound judgmental. I am not. It’s just society-meaning the movie makers, the TED talkers, the book writers, everybody, those people with the sparkling clean houses on Internet-I mean everyone, has to get real and stop leading people down a rabbit hole of misery. The real truth is, reaI life is just not all that exciting-especially if you don’t have millions to waste on useless adventures like, Most Dangerous Game.

Of course, being a mother is not easy. I know, I have four from teen to almost middle-aged and they all demand my attention-from keeping up with the latest SAT changes, to listening to my son go on about his latest college classes, to a whatever he has been looking at on Reddit, or my oldest’s shouse hunting woes. Afterwards, it’s back to making bread and apple pie on demand. Sure, I get tired and I don’t sleep much and I feel guilty all the time.

The Job Description

This is not a job where you get days off, recognition, and fan mail. Just think of it as a long series of experiments, modifications, innovations, and some good ole home training.

Every day, I wake up, I hear an imaginary ding, and my day starts. It’s always a race to get my list of things to do, done.

I do some days better than others, but it’s ok.

I remember an advice from a La Leche League manual: “If you don’t have time to clean the whole house, just do ten minutes at a time.” So, do a load, clean the sink, neaten the sofa.

Also, I force those lazy limabean kids of mine to do some jobs too.

We All Can’t Have It All

When Anne-Marie Slaughter, wrote, Why Women Still Can’t Have It All in the Atlantic, in 2012, she surmised that the Enjoli commercial was a lie. Nobody can singlehandedly go to work, do school runs, cook, clean, wipe noses, and play Madame cutie-pie with hubby at night. She was right, however, today, women and men, are all trying to have that all and more. They are no longer aiming to be successful in their little corners of their worlds, but going viral around the globe by any means necessary.

What the NYT series reveals, is, that this problem does not solely lie with moms, but also in the changing notions of parenthood and family life is supposed to be like.

“Americans do not think it is ok to send money to your family, you should keep it for yourself,” was the observation of Mercy Aitene, from Kenya.

Not to get too Freudian, but, when it comes to family, the self, needs to be left out in the yard. A family is a team, or at least it should be. In many cases it not, it’s every man, woman, and child for himself.

“Hi Friends,” The Internet and Broken Family Ties

In many cases the Internet and it’s focus in individuals, is the root of all evil: dividing the family into number of categories. Mom and her girlfriends, Dad and the guys, and Junie and Janie and their playmates. Ironically, these are also marketing tools and are being used against us. Just think tweens.

It is these networks created by imagery in film and on television that has introduced these ‘Peer groups’ are where Mom, Dad, Jilly and Jonny run to for advice, love, and care. Throw social media and smartphones into the mix and well, you see it everywhere-techno zombies, who stare at handheld devices, while ignoring each other all the while falling into fantasy worlds where peers, real and imagined, influencers and other celebrities, become the ones they try to imitate.

Not only that, they believe these ‘influencers aka sales people in warm and fuzzy settings, when they tell us this or that product is good, or bad: Grandma, Ma, or Baba, can’t tell them otherwise.

“I Googled it.” Is the path to absolute truth.

AI Parenting

These self-serving, algorithmic driven, market based, bubbles provided by Google, YouTube, and TikTok, have become our parents and transmitters of culture.

This culture of consumerism, ever changing beauty standards, latest and greatest gadgets, has even Granpa scrolling up and down the shopping apps.

However there is and has been an alternate way, one that, if humanity is to thrive needs to go viral and stay that way quick. This would end many a primal scream.

Paradise Under Her Feet

The are is an Arabic saying, “Heaven lies under the feet of your mother,” she the foundation of society and the builder of nations. Also, the Prophet Mohamed was once asked, “Which of my parents deserve my care and honor the most?” His answer was, “Your mother. She is the one who carried you for nine months and then your entire life.” This sentiment would go a long way if perhaps it was used as an ideal in the US.

“When she sees, my laptop, my daughter, starts crying, she wants me to play with her,” says Mercedes in the article, and it is her daughter’s right to have her mother’s attention. Her daughter is an amanah.

Amanah, this means a trust, regardless of what your intention was, you have this child and it is up to you to take care of it. This means taking care of them with time, attention, and love. This extends to all members of the family, we have a divine obligation to give each other their rights-to food, shelter, clothing, for those who are providers, and care, attention, and love.

Umm: The Gold Standard

Muslim history is filled with amazing mothers. The gold standard is Umm Muhammad and Umm Ahmed, the mothers of Islam’s greatest scholars Imam Sha’fee and Imam Hanbal, both of whom, after their husbands passed away, worked tirelessly caring for their children and providing them with the best education.

After her husband died, Umm Muhammad determined that her son become a scholar she and her son, Muhammad Idris ibn Sha’fee left, Palestine for Mecca so that he could be among his father’s family and the scholars teaching Islamic sciences. There are stories of her getting up early and boiling water for him to make his ablution for prayer. Her dedication is an example that I keep in my mind when things get tough.

Then, there is Ahmed ibn Hanbal, and his mother who lived in Baghdad.

Ibn Hanbal’s father died when he was young, but did leave them with enough wealth to live on, but not enough to travel abroad for his studies.

Umm Ahmed, was so dedicated to her son becoming a scholar that she wove carpets and sold them to support him in this endeavor.

They were so close, that once, after traveling for weeks to learn with a scholar, he left without finishing because he was so worried about her. After coming back, she gave him a good scolding on how important his education was and she how was just fine. He later on went to Mecca, where he met one of the stars of Islamic hadith scholarship, Imam Ash Sha’fee. There Al Hanbal learned under his tutelage and later on, when Sha’fee came to Baghdad, Hanbal and he became great friends who spent the rest of their lives in study and worship.

This was all due to the foundation both their mothers had lain for them.

Many think these days are difficult, but we have it easy compared to Umm Ahmed and Umm Muhammad who lived a thousand years ago. Nevertheless, the stories of these two mothers’ dedication to their sons lives on.

The Gift

In Islam, there is also the sentiment that everything one does for their family is rewarded by Allah and that in some cases, it is also counted as a sadaqa-gift of charity. Even if a woman does work and contribute financially, this is considered a charity, not an obligation. The onus is on the father, not the mother. This is what keeps me going and my family set up is far from perfect, but I am still in it to win it.

Deep Fakes

I know, everything is telling you, that you are nothing unless, you are on Time magazine, have a social media account with millions of followers, and are a billionaire, but, there you are, sitting in a house with a sink full of dishes and your own personal Kilimanjaro of laundry, feel like a natural born loser. My sister, you are the builder of a nation, keep that in mind.

It’s All On You

And like those other women in the PS article, my husband doesn’t do much around the house either, but he does throw a load in every now and then, for which I am very grateful. More importantly, he goes to work and pays the bills, al hamduillah. When I get frustrated, I have to be honest with myself, “This is what you signed up for, so just get on with it,” and I do.

Now, I know that there are judges out there, thinking, man, she is so oppressed and has no life. Not really, I pretty much do what I like-lounging around reading, chatting with my kids, squawking out whatever hit tunes along with my daughter while we clean the kitchen, and just fuffing around. Yet, I still get the basics done.

Sure, this is my own bubble, but better mine than that crazed capitalistic, death race of what a mom is supposed to be and look like. None of us should, live like that because we just set ourselves up for nervous breakdowns.

Mad Moms: How Mothers Are Portrayed on Film

In the film Tully, where a mom of three, creates a self-imposed list of expectations of what a mom is supposed to do and nearly kills herself. While Charlize Theron, who plays Tully, said she wanted to show how difficult mothers, have it. Yet, to me, there was a more subliminal message-motherhood will drive you crazy, if you let it. Tully, was actually doing a great job, except, she had this idea that she wasn’t good enough and it literally sent her over the edge.

Another film, the Escape, shows a woman who is fed up with her rut. While on her supermarket run, she sits in her car and sees a parking lot full of other mothers doing the same thing. When she complains to her mom, who she says, “You’re lucky, suck it up.” Well, that didn’t help, so she runs away, leaving her children and husband behind, without even so much as a good-bye.

Mom the Builder: Can She Do it? Yes, She Can

More and more, across the world, mothers who don’t have job or a side hustle are seen as doing nothing. Hence, while the PS article was meant to give a voice to moms and their plight during the pandemic, it actually revealed the prevailing attitude towards family life and the roles that mothers play in it. Each article focused on career and how work seemed to bring joy and home life, angst and frustration.

However, it is women who take up the task to raise children and create a home-these are the real nation builders.

Motherhood, is not just a series of jobs, it is transcendent life work that has ripples around the world lasting for millennia. Like Umm Muhammad, which by the way, means the Mother of Muhammad and Umm Ahmed, whose sons, a thousand plus years ago, put paper to pen and today we still can read the volumes of their wotk.

This is only because of their mothers’ hard work and vision for their children and in turn, their children’s obedience and reliance upon them.

Ummah in Arabic means nation and Umm means mother. They are connected for a reason, because without a mother, there is no nation.