The Mommy Effect: Did You Lose Your Identity After You Had Kids?
Do you even remember what your name was before you were “Mom”?
Before you had kids, did it give you a thrill to plan awesome social events with your friends?
Whether it was taking my cousins on picnics or doing photo shoots with my friends in some old part of Downtown with the big brick buildings, I loved planning events.
Sometimes we would dress up and have elaborate tea parties, and other times we had movie nights where we binge-watched all of the BBC dramas.
Sometimes we went on road trips and did stupid stuff that got us into trouble but was always exciting.
And sometimes…you feel like the person you are today has swallowed up the person you used to be.
My new name is Mommy and I can hardly remember who I was before……..did I even have a name before? Was there a time that I actually did things without screaming kids around?
I’m not sure I could even find that person again…but maybe I don’t have to.
There’s no possible way I will be able to entirely go back to the person I used to be because I’ve changed, along with my life circumstances.
The trick is to have a mix of both past and present that feels authentic enough to have a sense of peace and fulfillment with your current responsibilities.
What did I love to do before?
Let’s do a little mental exercise.
- Think of the top three ways you used to spend your time in High School, early 20’s, or 30’s (it may be three totally different lists).
- What memories do you have of those time periods that bring a spontaneous smile to your lips? Make a note of what you were doing.
- What people are in those memories where you were enjoying yourself the most?
- Now you have a big list. Narrow it down to the top five.
- Can you do a revised version of any of those activities with your spouse (date night)? Can you do a modified version with your kids (family night)? Can you do a revised version with your current friends (girl’s night out)?
What will everything look like in 10 years?
If you’re wondering…
“Why do I need to do this? Things are okay as they are. No, I’m not super happy with my life, but I don’t hate it either.”
Let’s put things into perspective a bit.
What will life look like if I do these things?
- Your stress will build up because you never have time to unwind
- You will start getting bitter at your family because you never have time to do anything you want to do
- You will start feeling like a victim of your circumstances
- You will eventually hit a breaking point
You will be the cranky middle-aged lady who always yells at her teenagers, gets mad at everything, and runs over her spouse with a steamroller when he dares to go against her wishes.
What will life look like if I don’t do these things?
- The natural life stress that builds up will have an outlet, so you won’t be bottling it up like a volcano
- Your family will be happier because you will be more relaxed on the days you take time by yourself or with your friends
- Your spouse will be happier because you plan date nights and trips for just the two of you
- You will feel like you are living an authentic life, true to who you are, while still caring about your family
You will be the middle-aged couple who still hold hands and have a pretty peaceful house. Your teens’ friends like to come over because you don’t yell at everyone or create drama.
I know who I want to be in 10 years. Your story is up to you.
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