The Moment I Realized I Had Fallen in Love

“Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life”

When did I first realize I had fallen in love with you? How do I even begin to describe the ambiguity surrounding the event? As they say, everything begins with a thought.

It was just another day where I’m minding my business, engrossed with life, getting exhausted with the daily grind. I wasn’t thinking of anything, just going through the motion. That’s when it happens. Suddenly your beautiful face flashed across my consciousness, followed by a thought.

What! Why? For what purpose?

That was a random, irrelevant, and intrusive thought! I shrugged my shoulders and cast it aside. I imagined it exploded into space and soon tiny pieces of glittering confetti scattered in the air, floating freely. Soon it floated down and landed on the ground. The thought disappeared as abruptly as it arrived. So that was it.

Unbeknownst to me, it didn’t go away. That ethereal thought faded into the background and sink in the vast sea of my subconscious mind, silently waiting for an opportune time. It rears its head when I least expect it.

“Hello!”

Surprised by its sudden emergence, I intentionally redirect my attention elsewhere. But this stubborn little blob of energy exhibits a dogged determination. No matter what I did, it refused to change its course. It shied to the back of the room momentarily and before long; it reappeared again.

Intrusive thoughts are like ripples in a pond which is our mind, generating waves of pattern radiating outward. When you throw a rock, which is a thought, it disrupts the calmness of the pond. It occupies the mind.

I attempted to suppress, to control, and even to push it away, but my effort only encourages that blob of energy to cling to my attention. Without my participation, that sneaky little thought is powerless. So the more I feed it with my attention, the stronger it gets.

I pound it down again and again, but it refuses to dislodge. It was driving me nuts. Despite wanting to get rid of that thought, I had tucked it deeper inside and it abides closer to my heart.

The energy density continued to increase. I can’t help it. Your face frequently appears in my mind’s eye, enticing, tempting, seducing, leading me astray until I lose all control over how I think and no longer have the will to resist. I allowed it to linger.

I dwelt on your facial expression; it warms my heart; oh those deep dreamy eyes, they’re amazing. I could work on a canvas and paint those eyes in acrylic. Your mesmerizing smile swept me away. They make me think of wide, open skies.

It’s almost like your mere existence is a source of joy. By my constant attention to that thought, I am supplying more energy.

Where Attention goes Energy flows; where Intention goes Energy flows! — James Redfield

No sooner than those thoughts grew, they become sturdier. I noticed a surprise guest companion had shown up. Her name is Desire. Desire changes my state of mind, stimulating my being with electrical currents. Thought and Desire became frequent visitors to my private space that I eagerly look forward to entertaining.

Desire sends thrill and tingles up my body. Oh, I felt such delight. I caught myself smiling absent-mindedly, lost in daydreams, in the internal fantasy world just thinking of you, completely immersed and intensely involved.

A plethora of thoughts about you engulfed me. My heart beats a little faster. My body warms up in pleasure. I stood transfixed, lost in emotion. A smile tickled the corners of my mouth. Sometimes I get a little dizzy. This is the constant battle taking place inside my mind, one of which I neither win nor lose.

Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.― Leo Buscaglia

I’m submerged in the persuasive whisper of desire. Not a minute, an hour, or a day went past without me thinking about you. It’s as if my entire being is reaching forth towards you.

My mind flirted with the thought that perhaps this might stand a chance, a tiny possibility of it becoming a reality. Day by day I fed the thought with intention and attention, and I nourished the desire with expectation. I took deep dives into the realms of my imagination and lived out that possibility.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand. — Albert Einstein

I’m a mixed bag of emotions. Like Santa’s magical sack, everything in me gets jumbled up. One moment there is excitement and happiness, and then there is fear and insecurity. Doubt would challenge me occasionally. What if it didn’t work out? What if he doesn’t feel the same for me? What if this is not even right? It was unsettling to think that I had conjured up a scene in my mind.

Without a warning, the entire process sped up. Thoughts became more frequent. Desire rises steadily. Initially, it wasn’t noticeable, but soon I sensed a massive adrenaline rush, a feeling like I’m flying or on fire until it escalated and turned into an unconscious yearning.

That feeling continues to surge to where it’s no longer bearable, and it became impossible to resist. I remained resolute in my pursuit. All doubts ceased and gave way to hope. Desire gave way to a deep yearning.

I am drawn to you. I must get to you. Against all odds, I must speak to you. And I must finally act.

And just like that, unconsciously, by a mere thought that flashed across my mind, I’ve fallen in love with you.

Thank you for reading.