The Messy World of Friendships

I’ve had low self-esteem for most of my life, and I don’t have many close friends or friends in general. Shortly before the pandemic, I went to a meet up group and met Anna. We found out we were neighbors; we lived within walking distance of each other. Quickly, we became good friends.

During the pandemic, we played tennis together weekly. She and I were both terrible at tennis. Still, we would have a nice rally every so often. (I’d dream of playing at Wimbledon one day as that’s where my mind goes, to the top.) Since her wrist started hurting, we stopped playing and started walking together weekly. We’d eat lunch or dinner together every so often, and we visited the botanical gardens and other attractions in our city.

However, our friendship ended in April of 2022. Due to a childhood trauma, I’ve not been assertive for most of my life. This might have led to the demise of my friendship because I was not assertive with Anna. After some reflection, I felt she took advantage of me.

Due to my low self-esteem I’d sometimes wonder, how can I find another friend? Who else would want to be friends with me? Even with Anna’s friendship, I was trying to make another friend but was having difficulty. I’m 43 years old, and it’s harder to make friends later in life.

My friendship break up was devastating for me even though I was the one who ended it. Although there was a definite negative side to Anna, there was also her positive side. I missed all the positive support she gave me and our fun hangouts. I questioned many times if I made the right choice, especially at low points throughout the past year.

Surprisingly, I did make new friends! I invited Tina, a friend of a friend to a few group outings, and Tina and I became better friends. I also reached out to a book club acquaintance and got to know her better. We met up twice at a local art museum. I continued my friendship with Teresa, my friend for over a decade. My sister supported me tremendously during this time.

Also, I became better friends with an urban farmer, Charlie, who lives down the street from me. I buy fresh vegetables and fruits from him on Sundays. Then there’s my Toastmasters group. We met online throughout the pandemic, and in June of this year we finally met each other in person at a picnic. It was so much fun!

A year ago, I started taking improv classes, and I joined a community of improvisers. My social life improved, and I made a few improv friends. Although we’re not super close, we support each other, and we make each other laugh.

Gradually, my self-esteem has improved. Therapy has helped. I learned that I do not need to settle for a friend who does not respect me. I can make new friends.