The Medium-Sized Mermaid (Not-So-Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
Deluded Custodians Challenge : March Edition
Ann James asked, “If you took time off from medium.coma to write a best-selling novel or a screenplay, what songs would be in your soundtrack when it’s produced by netflix/hollywood/___?”
Since I already have a best-selling novel, let me share it with all you lovely people. At the time of writing, it has sold exactly zero copies, which is why it is called a best-selling novel.
Anyway, the story is about a medium-sized mermaid named Beryl, who was turned into a human as punishment for accidentally eating the Mermaid Queen’s birthday cake. Her only hope of becoming a mermaid again is to make the first guy she sees fall in love with her. It is an arduous and difficult journey but she manages to do it in the end. However, the guy cheats on her before she can turn back into a mermaid and so she remains stuck as a human for all eternity. It doesn’t matter to her in the end because being human is so much more fun than being a fish.
And now let’s talk about the soundtrack.
I want something dramatic for the opening scene when Beryl is caught licking her fingers after eating nearly half of the human-themed birthday cake. The angry Mermaid Queen is really going for her head but decides that a fate worse than death would be fitting. Legs instead of a slimy green, scaly tail! Gross!
When Beryl (in human form) sees this guy talking to a coconut on the beach, she is immediately smitten by him, just as one would be if they were to lay their eyes on Tom Hanks talking to Wilson the Volleyball in Cast Away. This is the song when she introduces herself to him, emphasising that he could undress her everywhere.
The guy is obviously too daft to notice that there is a life-sized Barbie standing in front of him as he continues talking to his coconut. It’s time to stop beating around the bush. She sits on his lap with her boobs stuck in his face and oh my, her boobs seem to have grown bigger since she became human two hours ago. She will need new oyster shells when she is back under the sea. While all this is happening, this song plays in the background.
So that finally caught his attention and they spent the next twenty hours in his room because she doesn’t have one. And just like any other coconut-loving dude, he has a fetish which I shall leave to your imagination. Beryl nearly has a stroke when he mentions it. Nope, nope, just nope.
Fetish Guy immediately throws Beryl out of his room and grabs hold of the nearest female who might or might not have been an octopus-human hybrid (totally unrelated to Disney’s Ursula the Purple Octopus Villain). The next scene is rated PG-13 (In Malaysia, the whole scene would have to be deleted because of course even adults can’t watch sex scenes on TV. In fact, even kiss scenes between animated characters are censored. Well, it’s better to be safe than sorry just in case people get aroused and start humping their furnitures). So anyway, while Fetish Guy and Octopussila are playing Monopoly, this song starts playing with the volume turned up (Please note that this obscene song would not be included in the Malaysian version of the soundtrack).
After her failed attempt to seduce the guy and break the curse, Beryl accepts herself for who she has become. After all, she is even more beautiful in her new form with big blue eyes, a pointy nose and red hair, all of which she already possesses since she was in her old mermaid form. The only difference is that instead of her lovely scaly green tail, she now has ugly red hair on her legs, a bit like a fox.
The final scene of Beryl eating sushi and sneaking oyster shells into her handbag (although she doesn’t really need them anymore, or does she?).
And finally the closing credits and bloopers.
Here is the link to Ann James’s post.
Thank you again, Ann for the challenge. I’ve had lots of fun putting together the songs for my soundtrack which would be a best-selling record in no time, of course.
And here is Ann James’s very own entry with songs that are actually brilliant so that you can check them out after listening to all of mine.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to help me pay for my Spotify subscription (so that I can enjoy more great music), please buy me a coffee as the MPP is not available in my country. Thank you very much! https://ko-fi.com/samtzelin
Feel free to follow me on Twitter & Instagram!
