Musical Humor
The Medium Musical — A Broadway Bonanza!
Let it go, let it go — please editor, let it go! It was a typo :(
I have been summoned once again by the great Ginger Cook!
The conversation went something like this:
Ginger: Yo homie, what up?
Adam: I’m very well Ginger, and yourself?
Ginger: Yeah I be chillin’. You wanna be a star in the hood?
Adam: I would like that very much.
Ginger: Then you gotta write about this shit yo! You gon’ make some phat stacks on Medium, my G.
Adam: Thank you so much Ginger, I feel very inspired now.
Ginger: No problem dawg, we tight.
I always forget how ghetto Ginger really is.
If you don’t believe me, you can read for yourself:
So this got me thinking, how can I make myself a star like Ginger?
I wanna be famous enough to tell my mother I’m too big time to text her back.
Ginger “The Ghetto” Cook has tasked me with coming up with my own Broadway show.
I can finally prove to my family I am in fact heterosexual! A musical will be the perfect way to show them.
Let’s get started with a bit of back story shall we?
1. The Backstory
The Medium Musical is about a young King called Sir Writes A Lot. He must travel the land in order to rescue his wife, Queen Sally No’Nipples, from Writing Prison on the dreaded Medium Island. Dun dun deeerrrr!
She was arrested because she kept posting articles about how much she earned each month and it was pissing people off on Medium.
Sir Writes A Lot wants to rescue her but cannot do this alone. He is joined on this courageous voyage by a few friends who want to help save the nipple-less Queen:
- The Jester — Chad Financial Report
- The Head Knight — Penelope Cleavage
- The Piano Tutor — Kevin “The Keys” Jamboree Junior
They must band together to rescue Queen Sally No’Nipples from captivity.
Things will not be simple though. The evil Medium warden, Follow Back Fred, has made it almost impossible for anyone to escape.
Are you ready for an adventure?
Are you ready for a badly written adventure?
Good! This story is perfect for you in that case.
2. Cast List
Having a great cast is imperative if you want a musical to do well. That’s why I’ve enlisted only the best talent to star in my production.
But who will get the role of a lifetime? Enhancing their career because of me and my humble brilliance?
Well, let’s find out shall we?
Sir Writes A Lot — Adam Robinson
Character Bio:
Sir Writes A Lot is a King/Knight who loves a Queen who has no nipples.
He loves Sunday walks in the park and writing Medium articles about medieval fast food restaurants.
He is 36 and lactose intolerant.
Actor Bio:
- Age — 26 years young.
- Best acting performance — Telling a waiter the food was “great” when in fact it was only “adequate”.
- Fun fact — This budding actor hates musicals and is probably the worst person to be writing/starring in something like this.
- Most famous quote — “I’m not racist, but…”
That’s right guys, I will be starring as the lead role because I want to get loads of attention.
Apart from a Cinderella play where I played an ugly sister (cross dressing phase) I have no acting experience whatsoever. So naturally, this makes me perfect for the lead role.
As for singing, I have been told I sound like an angel.
A very drunk and tone deaf angel.
Queen Sally No’Nipples—Nicholas Cage
Character Bio:
Queen Sally No’Nipples is an Irish Queen who’s nipples fell off in a skiing accident on holiday in Paraguay.
She has been sentenced to life imprisonment in the high security Writing Prison because she posted about how much she earns from her articles all the time.
She is 74 and loves punching customer service assistants in the eye.
Actor Bio:
- Age — 58 years young.
- Best Acting Performance — That meme everyone knows him from.
- Fun Fact — Nicholas spends his weekends building forts for underprivileged mice.
- Most famous quote — “Why am I playing a woman in this thing?”
As soon as I thought of an Independent Irish Queen with no nipples, Nicholas Cage immediately sprung to mind.
With his on screen charisma and rumours about him having no nipples, I was eager to get Mr. Cage on board.
He has a beautiful voice, and a hairline that scares the sh*t out of me.
This was a no brainer.
Chad Financial Report — Cardi B
Character Bio:
Chad Financial Report is Sir Writes A Lot’s personal jester and lifelong ping-pong partner.
He is part Spanish, and part duck, and loves nothing more than hanging around lakes at the weekend trying to get bread from strangers.
Chad is a wise cracking character who always makes inappropriate comments at the worst times.
He is 89 and a quarter. He also works part time as an Amazon delivery driver.
Actor Bio:
- Age — 29 years young.
- Best Acting Performance — The song “WAP”.
- Fun Fact — Cardi is a Harvard University Professor teaching courses like “Rap Studies” and “Lyrics Your Parents Will Frown At”.
- Most Famous Quote — “Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who”.
Chad is a sensitive jester who accompanies Sir Writes A Lot and the gang on this noble quest.
Cardi B has all the qualities I’m looking for in a part time Amazon delivery driver who wise cracks all the time and likes eating bread.
Welcome to the team, Cardi!
Penelope Cleavage — Miss Piggy
Character Bio:
Penelope Cleavage is Sir Writes A Lot’s swashbuckling Head Knight who protects him from evil, and monsters that hide under his bed.
She is very polite, and also ran track for Latvia at the 1300 BC Olympic games.
She is 104 and is secretly in love with Kevin “The Keys” Jamboree Junior.
Actor Bio:
- Age — 46/47? How long do pigs live for?
- Best Acting Performance — Playing one of those green pig things in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.
- Fun Fact — Miss Piggy has stated all pigs are sexually attracted to frogs and that’s where frogspawn comes from.
- Most Famous Quote — “All my family are now delicious bacon sandwiches”.
This little piggy went to market…and secured a very lucrative acting role.
I do feel sorry for her, she’s just come out of a very harrowing on again off again relationship with a frog.
With an Oscar worthy performance as Miss Penelope Cleavage, I think she may be on her way to piggy stardom.
Kevin “The Keys” Jamboree Junior — Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Character Bio:
Kevin “The Keys” Jamboree Junior is the gang’s wise cracking piano tutor. He is determined to help good prevail and teach everyone to play the piano in the process.
Kevin is a shy character who just wants everyone to get along. He will do anything for Sir Writes A Lot…but thinks Chad Financial Report is a bit of a d*ck.
Our boy Kev is 43 and hates John Legend’s piano skills.
Actor Bio:
- Age — 50 years young.
- Best Acting Performance — Dressing up in Lycra with other men for WWE.
- Fun Fact — Dwayne once ate an apple.
- Most Famous Quote — “I may be a pebble now but just wait ‘till I’m older”
“The Rock” is much more than naturally occurring solid mass — he is a wrestler turned actor who has dreamed of playing a piano tutor role for years.
Now’s your chance, Mr. Johnson!
Play the right keys and help Sir Writes A Lot rescue the beautiful Nicholas Cage…I mean Queen Sally No’Nipples…I mean…I dunno.
They’re all beautiful.
Follow Back Fred — Donald Trump
Character Bio:
Follow Back Fred is a lonely orange prison warden who locks up writers who are deemed to be doing wrong on the Medium platform.
He is jealous of Sir Writes A Lot’s success and in a bid to hurt him, he arrests his gorgeous wifey who has no nipples.
He has a passion for prisons, and swimming after eating.
Actor Bio:
- Age — 76 years of being a d*ck.
- Best Acting Performance — Telling the Mexicans he was only putting the wall up “for a bit”.
- Fun Fact — Donald’s hair is made from pigeon feathers. He once killed one with his teeth on his honey moon. Poor Melania.
- Most Famous Quote — “Are you sure this locker room doesn’t have any recording equipment?”
Donald is a d*ck and therefore perfect for this role.
He loves a follow back for nothing and doesn’t actually do anything productive himself. Fred and Donald would be best mates I’m sure.
He looks like an orange turd and I wanna drop kick him in the nuts — it was a very awkward audition indeed.
Soundtrack
It wouldn’t be much of a musical if there wasn’t any music, I don’t think? Is that why they call them musicals?
We’ve got our cast, and a very loose story, now it’s time to see what songs they’ll be singing!
Here’s the Medium Musical Soundtrack and who will be performing each number:
- Islands in the Stream — Penelope Cleavage (Miss Piggy) & Sir Writes A Lot (Adam Robinson)
- Gold Digger — Penelope Cleavage (Miss Piggy)
- Evacuate The Dance floor — Queen Sally No’Nipples (Nicholas Cage)
- Careless Whisper — Chad Financial Report (Cardi B)
- Man! I Feel Like A Woman — Sir Writes A Lot (Adam Robinson) & Queen Sally No’Nipples (Nicholas Cage)
- Bad To The Bone — Follow Back Fred (Donald Trump)
If these tunes (and the characters singing them) don’t transport you to a world of childlike wonder then go have a long hard look in the mirror!
Apart from that orange turd!
No, not Miss Piggy! The other one…
The Finale
There we have it guys — a beautiful pitch for “The Medium Musical”.
There really aren’t enough musicals about writing platforms out there, but with your help we can make this show a success!
Do you have any ideas on the plot? Or how Queen Sally No’Nipples can be saved?
If you do, please let me know and I can copy your ideas — I’m lazy like that.
So…what have we learnt during this journey?
- Nicholas Cage has no nipples.
- You might get arrested by Donald Trump if you write about how much you earned last month.
- Cardi B singing Careless Whisper is the gift that we didn’t know we needed.
- Miss Piggy looks a lot like Donald Trump.
- Ginger Cook originally auditioned for the role of the piano tutor but ultimately I gave Kevin “The Keys” Jamboree Junior to Dwayne Johnson…Ginger just came on a bit strong with the piano playing and aggressive rapping :/ .
Thanks for reading guys and let me know if you want tickets.
No one seems to wanna come along for some reason…
Now then, where did I put my Islands in the Stream lyrics?
