The Meanderings of a Spiritual Servant #7

Anger Revealed

As a child, I was surrounded by the rage of a narcissistic, violent, sexually confused, alcoholic father and an extremely dysfunctional grandmother. My home was dysfunctional at its best. I perceived their rage as power; they were each certainly more powerful than I was. I hated the anger, control, fear, and inescapable paralysis; still, I envied their power. Oddly enough, my envy was accompanied by a paralyzing fear of becoming them. I was horrified by the loss of control they displayed regularly and terrified of the seeming enjoyment of terrorizing someone smaller and weaker just because they could.

Please, do not let me mislead you. I was ANGRY! No, I was seething, but their anger was more potent than mine, proven in their ability to be louder than I could be. Their power was demonstrated in their ability to harm. Yes. In the confused state of what anger is/was, the level of loudness and their lack of control determined who was the most powerful at any given moment. Until my adolescence, I was always the weakest in the room. In truth, I had no voice at all except for when I was alone. Thank the God above, I would allow myself to scream in the rare moments I could be alone and no one knew. I would go to places where I could be alone and shout out loud all the things I wanted to say to them and could not. In their presence, I always bottled the unsaid pain within myself until I became a pressure cooker about to explode, which always brought guilt because the explosion would get spewed onto an innocent victim. AT THIS POINT, I BECAME EVERYTHING I HATED ABOUT THEM!

My rage never gave me power; expressing it always brought me guilt. As I got older, I lost control of it also, just not to the point of doing bodily harm.

Anger: The Lie

I was well into my recovery (from drugs and alcohol) and healing process before I learned the truth about anger. My father was a weak man. He was a small, frightened little boy, afraid of being abandoned and left alone. Who somehow thought his anger and rage would keep him safe? He, too, must have regarded anger and rage as power and used them to keep people around. It did not work! My two sisters and I left when we found an open door. I have learned that all anger is birthed from fear, and its purpose is to make someone feel guilty. When my father would throw a fit, we all would feel small, frightened, and guilty. The guilt was a manipulation tool, and once we felt the shame, we were more apt to do as he wished. It became our way of trying to calm the storm. Too often, the guilt would come, and we had done nothing wrong except not read his mind and honor his whims.

Anger: The Gifts It Can Summons

I have been on a path of healing and recovery from the trauma of my childhood and all its effects for over thirty-eight years now. I do not believe that total healing will ever occur. I have learned coping skills to have a productive and happy life. In this process, I have to be willing and determined to see everything in a different light than I saw as a child.

My views on anger have been one of the most rewarding to shift. I can now see that all anger is birthed by fear, and when I realize this, I do not have to feel small and make myself feel guilty. I can then let their fear be their own and not make it my job to fix it. I have also come to believe that all anger is an attempt to get someone else to feel guilty; it is an attempted manipulation, and I do not have to succumb to it. I do not have to give someone their way at the expense of my wishes, integrity, or well-being.

Even in the face of someone else’s fear, anger, and rage, I can still be true to myself. Most rewarding, I can catch myself reacting to my fears angrily and decide to take a route other than with anger. I can have more control over my emotions and life with the awareness of how anger is used as a tool and become more honest.

I had to become willing to see everything differently than I had as a child.

If I am willing to see everyone’s anger as a call for love, I can respond in kind.

If a small child throws a temper tantrum, and you respond with love, What happens to the child’s anger?

Spiritual principles are not bound by age groups; they apply from infancy to departure.

The summation of what I have learned about anger: Once I identify anger as it is, FEAR, I can find compassion for the angry one, even if it is me.

Also, I cannot grow from inventorying my anger. Whenever I am angry, somewhere behind the anger is the belief that I am a victim to someone or something outside of me.

I can grow, however, if I identify the fear driving the anger and can be open to loving the frightened one.

Once, I could see my father as a terrified little boy wanting only for someone to love him and his fear of trusting love, I could truly forgive him, and by the time he passed, he and I were friends.

There is a part of every human being that knows only love,

And this is what we fear the most.

A Life Worth Living

I have endured

And I have overcome

I have felt the pain of loss

And the joy of new beginnings

I have learned

And I have forgotten

I have laughed

And I have cried

And in so doing

I have lived

A life worth living