The Meanderings of a Spiritual Servant #4

The Gift of Desperation:

Guilt, Fear, Anger, and Loneliness.

Masters of Darkness, Bringers of Light

The pain and desperation of a tormented soul will drive one to surrender, and surrender will drive one to seek. I grew up a very traumatized soul, the loss of my mother at the age of five. The guilt that followed me and stuck with me as a result of her death haunted me and controlled me throughout my life.

The Darkest Tunnels Bare the Brightest Lights at the End

Guilt does not travel in solitude; it brings with it a variety of soul-eating friends. All its friends have their own agenda, each fighting to be in the lead; guilt, fear, anger, and loneliness travel as a pack of hyenas. Ravenously, they seek their next meal, working in unison as a unified team. Even though they seem to have their own agenda, their means are different yet, their goal is the same; separation, divisiveness, isolation, each of these tyrants is aware that alone they can seem to defeat us, but together they do not have a prayer.

They may show up cloaked in disguises, hiding the truth of who they are, and their disguises are many: depression, anxiety, and a multitude of professionally diagnosed ‘disorders.’ Their purpose is to find the seemingly weakest in the herd, single them out, and pull every ounce of value from their victim’s soul, like buzzards shredding the last bit of meat off the bone of their prey and leaving us desperate, alone, and seemingly broken, too broken to be fixed. NEVER!

Unfortunately, WE, the seeming victims, often try to stand alone and face the pack. Those who do? Frequently, they either get eaten by the pack, or they continue to live a life of torment, filled with guilt, fear, and anger and submerged in loneliness. Or we may even find another wounded soul, wounded by the never-ending battle with the pack, and discover trauma bonding. We think we have found the perfect partner because we are perfect for picking away at each other’s wounds. Where our unparalleled pain has a partner. These relationships can become the ideal opportunity to heal and become holy relationships if both partners are committed to healing.

Please do not run from these pages because of the darkness I am speaking of.

Remember the title, The ‘Gift’ of Desperation. These beasts that taunt us and lead us into the darkest corners of our minds are indeed masters of darkness, but the darkness they drive us to is the gift of desperation. Desperation is a gift because it induces a deep desire to seek. Seeking is the gift; learning to question everything is paramount to finding answers to sustain our souls. Thus, the darkest tunnels we encounter can/will bring the brightest light of all: The light of Love within us!

The purpose of these beasts is to separate, divide, and conquer us by hiding our light with their darkness.

We do not fear to look within because of the darkness we think we may encounter; our true fear is that we may look within and see there is no darkness, only the Light of Love that is our true identity. We use the lies that promote guilt, fear, and anger and the darkness they foster as an attempt to hide the light within.

Always remember this:

We are Spirit, We are Love,

And this is a truth we cannot escape.

Anger, fear and guilt

They each paved our way

And with the shame

There was a wall built

That hid the light of day

The agony of loneliness

Then ruled our everyday

We felt unloved and unloving

And we bowed our heads in shame

We screamed into the emptiness

And it seemed that no one came

Then beaten into submission

We surrendered to the game

With the war now surrendered

Victory became our claim

Please stay tuned as I identify the damage done to a soul by guilt, fear, and anger and the path through them to find our inner resting place.