The Meanderings of a Spiritual Servant #3

What Lessons We Choose

I do not have enough fingers or space on a page to write all I want to say today. It is odd to me that this particular ‘meandering’ has met with much trepidation and hesitance. What recurring thoughts have I had for this piece? I gave my life to teaching peace before I had a life to give. It is as if I was in my mother’s womb, deciding, even as an unborn, what classes I would take.

My time in my mother’s womb was spent charting some course for me to take to teach the lessons I am here to teach.

Ah! There it is! The resistance to writing this piece, “Accepting I am a Teacher.” It can still be difficult for me to accept the role of Teacher without it being accompanied by a fear of arrogance. While simultaneously believing that true arrogance would be to believe I am not, then I would be defying my Source and saying I know more than He, It, or She would have me be.

In all reality, we are all teachers; in this, we have no choice; we are all always teaching, the choice we do have; is what we want to teach.

I spent years teaching darkness and fear; it appeared in my attitudes and actions. Anyone would have had to be blind not to see that one hundred forms of fear ran my life. My reactions (not responses) were always driven by fear, and I either fought, flew, or froze in the face of any challenge. Therefore, I was teaching that fear and not love was real.

In A Course in Miracles, it teaches, “To teach is to demonstrate.” * What we do teaches much more than what we say. I spent a lot of time trying to help others find self-love. All the while, my internal dialogue, which appeared in my actions, was self-loathing. Fortunately, someone who was a wiser soul than myself pointed out the importance of loving myself if I wanted to teach self-love to others.

I spent much time ‘sacrificing’ my money and emotional energy to win favor. I thought, “Wow, I am a truly giving soul.” I had so much to learn. To sacrifice is not a gift; it is a giving up. Typically, a forfeit of something we care about to gain someone’s accolades or their love, at the very least, an attempt to win their approval. It is a misguided form of bartering. ‘I will do this for you now, but I will expect this of you later.’ We usually do not tell the person we are trading with, because we ourselves are not aware of the trade.

Sacrifice always breeds resentment because we never seem to get back what we traded for. Do not get me wrong, please; there is nothing wrong with bartering; let’s tell those we barter with that it is a swap, and let us not disguise it as a gift.

We teach/demonstrate true giving by actually letting go of what is done with the gift once it is given. Here, I learned that giving and receiving is a circular motion; to give is to receive. It has been said that to give is to receive. What is closer to the truth is that if you give, you have received. Giving and receiving happen together. One of my spiritual guides told me, “No gift truly given ever goes UN-received.” I may not get to SEE the value of the gift for the recipient, but how many times have we planted a seed that we never got to see sprout and become the thing of beauty it was meant to be? If the gift was truly given with no expectation of return, it is always received.

I went to a reform school as an adolescent. The men who ran the place were retired drill sergeants. They did their very best to teach us self-respect, respect for others, and authority, and they tried to teach us responsibility. They planted seeds in my soul that they never got to see grow. It took many years for those seeds to sprout. The gift they gave did not go UN-received. Their gifts are still with me to this day. I am forever grateful for the planting of the seeds and their ability to let the outcome of their gifts go. They just seemed to know the gift needed to be given.

There have been many elders in my life who have given without seeing the fruits of their labor. That never stopped them from laboring. I once was in a room full of newbies to the world of spiritual healing, and I remember ranting about what I had learned about spirituality. I shake my head as I reflect on how little I knew. After my rant, one of the other newbies said with adoration, “Man! How did you get so wise?” One of the older gentlemen I greatly respected gently stated, “Wisdom is what occurs once knowledge has been applied.” I got it. He was telling me that once I put all that knowledge to work, then I would be on to something. What I have learned since that time: Knowledge not applied can do more damage than good and become a tool for separation and divisiveness.

Unaware then, he was telling me that my actions would teach far more than my well-meaning words. Speaking a truth may have to happen many times before we take on the true meaning of it. The eighteen-inch journey from our heads to our hearts can be quite long. I have also learned that we teach best what we most need to learn. (This is probably why I am sharing this now.)

There is a phrase in our twelve-step rooms that took me a long time to understand. Please remember when I first came off the streets or when I turned around and began my walk back out of the woods I had walked so deeply into. My vocabulary was that of a nine-year-old — the phrase; Rigorous honesty. I had no idea what rigorous meant. So, I came up with my interpretation later: Rigorous honesty is when our feet and lips walk the same path. The term honesty means consistency. When our thoughts, words, and actions are in accord one to the other.

I will stop now before this becomes a rambling. I want to end with this: What I teach today, I also live. I sometimes fall short, but I know now to forgive myself and learn from my mistakes with love as my guide.

Thanks for reading.

• ACIM TM * Introduction 2–1
• TM Teachers Manual