The Married Man’s Escape Plan

“We don’t create a fantasy world to escape reality. We create it to be able to stay.” Lynda Barry.

The devoted readers following my story may recall that I recently reconnected with my ex-affair partner. I originally intended to contact him because of the work I’d done to heal.

As many have noted, writing on Medium is like one big therapeutic journaling exercise. When I first began writing, I wanted to tell the stories of the other mistresses that I’d come to know over the past six years. Then I grew more confident about writing my own story. Once those feelings came out, I found myself less angry with my former affair partner.

Why was I originally angry, Curious Reader? After his D-day, he justifiably pulled away. He never broke up with me or told me it was over. But he became paranoid. I reacted explosively to his guarded behavior. It seemed as if all we did was argue or go no contact for months at a time.

His wife has an incurable disease where her muscles will weaken and eventually deteriorate. Since she was diagnosed in her late 40s, her prognosis is a more slow progression than a person who is symptomatic at a much younger age. However, as her daily life became a pattern of pain management, he saw his role in his marriage as that of a spousal caregiver.

The irony is that this issue contradicted my role in his life because this disabled woman turned out to have some strong opinions on her position as his wife. The inconsistency forced me to take a step back and examine the six years that I devoted to him with wider eyes.

Yes, she did joke that he should just build her a bedroom above the garage so that he could continue living his life. Yes, she did tell him that she was no longer interested in sex. Yes, she told him the time would come when she could no longer keep up.

But she didn’t permit him to step out of the marriage.

I’ve come to accept this about his relationship with her. I’m no longer upset with him because I’ve realized that his affair was the only solution to help him cope with being a spousal caregiver. He wasn’t deliberately deceiving me. He wanted to work towards an open marriage despite misinterpreting her musings.

Since this revelation, I reached out after a four-month no-contact period. I was clear with him that I wanted nothing in return. My only goal was to apologize for hurtful words out of anger and tell him I was doing well.

I was not ready to learn that he had been emotionally falling apart during our no-contact period. Why, Worried Reader, do I paint such a picture of dread? Because I received this message from him:

No, I’m not drunk. I’d like you to consider a proposal. I’m writing because I want you to have time to think before you react.

I would like to discuss an actual plan for us to be together. A real plan with steps and a timeline. I’ll give you a minute to catch your breath.

It will take planning from both of us. You have a career or two, and children to consider. I need to come to an agreement with my wife. I think my part is easier. We have already had conversations about her limitations and my frustrations. They are not argumentative. We talk about coping strategies. It’s very constructive. The time will come when I will be able to say, it’s not enough. I will not leave but ask her to share me.

Can you share me? What does our everyday life look like? What would be acceptable to you? My dream would be for you to move to my city in order to be together, but that’s down the road. What is the in-between stage?

As I said, I’m not drunk by either drink or being in your presence. I’m serious but I know this is a perilous path. It will take trust and time to see this through together.

I will also understand if you would want to stay on our current path of just staying in touch and seeing what happens. Maybe it’s better not to put pressure on soon after reconnecting?

I know him well. He is isolated because she is too sick to go out, yet he feels guilty when she finally drags herself up to go to a restaurant. They used to go to social events every weekend. Now, she is too embarrassed to see old friends.

He is desperately reaching for the fantasy again. His life is not about her doctor appointments, insurance paperwork, or accommodations whenever she leaves the home. He wants to be desired again. He craves affection and intimacy.

I told him that the only way forward is if he establishes permission through consensual non-monogamy. Surely this can’t be unheard of in spousal caregiver situations? I recommended that he doesn’t take this on alone and enlist the help of a therapist.

Here’s my confession to you, Gentle Reader. I don’t have faith that any of this will work. The reason she stopped our affair was that she believed in traditional marriage vows. She isn’t going to suddenly accept unconventional yet not necessarily irregular solutions for caregiver spouses. But he sounded so despondent and frustrated, which is why he desperately seeks a plan. But a plan does not work in an environment that has not only resistance but also fear of change.

Yes, I know, Logical Reader, that sometimes hope is not enough. His hope is that there will be a plan that results in positive action. It's kind of like when you jump out of an airplane: You hope that your parachute will open.

It usually does open. But when it doesn’t…..

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