Love

The Marriage Vaccine

Until there’s a cure

Marriage during COVID is interesting. Every time I see a married person, I wonder how they’re making it work. All this alone time with one person. Even if you have kids, kids get a pass. This is a tough time to be a kid. Grownups, on the other hand, are expected to not go crazy, to remain relatively appealing, to still like one another. Even in the time of COVID.

Yesterday I saw a married friend whose partner moved out. She said to me, “I had no idea. I was blind-sighted.”

I told another friend about it. She said, “I don’t buy it. I don’t believe people have no idea when their marriage isn’t working.”

“Really?” I said. “I totally believed her.”

“People know if their partner isn't happy,” she said.

“But who’s really happy these days?” I asked.

I wondered if she was right. But I also wondered if I was right. If the marriage isn’t hot hot hot, if it’s sort of chugging along, how do you notice if one person is suddenly not interested?

People’s marriages are in limbo right now. You’re winning if you’ve figured out how to laugh together now and then. You’re winning if you still enjoy each other’s company and if you‘re still occasionally delighted upon seeing your betrothed.

COVID is hard on a marriage. Studies show one of the reasons people are staying married is because of finances and uncertainty about the future of the world. That’s fear not love. But fear is a relentless motivator.

So who’s right? Me or my friend? Are people lying to themselves about their connection to their partner? Do they know deep down that their person is out the door? Or is the bar for the COVID marriage so low, no one notices if the bar lowers another inch or two?

I woke up from a dream this morning yelling, “Help! Help!”

My exasperated husband, who treasures his sleep, flopped a heavy arm on top of me and said loudly, “Wake up!”

“Shh. I’m sleeping,” I said.

“You woke me,” he said.

“Ok, I’m sorry I woke you,” I said. “Can we go back to bed now?”

“I’m already up,” he said.

So I woke up. I grabbed my phone and started to read the NYTimes online. All the terrifying news jolted me awake. This is a scary scary world. I was about to mention some news story to my hubby when I heard him snoring lightly then fully commit to his apnea-tic snorts. Unbelievable.

In the dream that he woke me from, I was on a long walk by the lake. I knew I should turn around but I kept walking, moving farther and farther away from home. The sun was dangling on the horizon, threatening to vanish and make the world pitch dark. Finally, when I did turn around, the ground had become water. I floated onto my back and called out for help.

Marriage is crazy. You pick a day to stand in front of an official person who says, “Husband and wife” or “Husband and husband” or “Wife and wife.” Then, off you go, erasing the part of your life where you would wake alone from a strange dream.

The official person, who is marrying you and your partner, doesn’t say, “You sure about this? Because shit’s gonna get crazy. One day, you will wake up and the person next to you will be moaning, “Help! Help!” It’s gonna wake you. You’re gonna have trouble falling back asleep afterward. It’s gonna make you nuts. It’s such a stupid way to wake up. You might think ‘that weird moaning creature beside me used to wear neglige.’ Or you might think ‘being single wouldn't have been the end of the world.’

I woke up this morning from a dream yelling, “Help! Help!” The man beside me had been lying there for twenty years that flew by. “Wake up,” he said, saving me from drowning, if only in a dream.

Marriage during COVID is interesting. Every time I see a married person, I want to know how they’re making it work. Then, I want to give them a vaccine that helps their marriage survive these strange times until there’s a cure.