The Many Paths of My Life

Or how I got lost in the “what-ifs”

The older I get the more I reflect on my past. It is human nature to dwell on the bad instead of the good and I find that I am following that natural path far too often.

I’m about to end my 63rd year on this planet. I’ve made a LOT of mistakes over the years but I realize that those mistakes, essentially any decision that I or others have made, have shaped me into the person I am now.

But I’ve often wondered what my life would be like or what I would be like had I made a different decision here or there. Would I be conservative or liberal, work in technology, science, or blue collar? How big or little would my family be?

I didn’t date a lot in high school. In fact I really only had two girlfriends (who I still have a friendship with today). My junior year I dated “X”. One of the more remarkable parts of our dating is when we got caught “making out” in a new section of a neighborhood still being built. I don’t remember why we broke it off. She and I are friends on social media, but we really haven’t talked since high school. But she seems to be doing well. I don’t think we were ever meant to be together forever and I don’t think of her as a “what if”.

My senior year, I dated “Y”. I don’t think we ever kissed on our dates, but I know it was enjoyable to be with her. She was very religious and I was very not. The last time we saw each other was graduation night when we went to a few parties. Then I left to go perform in an outdoor musical and she left a few months later to go to a private Christian university in another state. We broke up that fall by a long distance telephone call. “Y” and I are still good friends and our paths have crossed many times over the years. My ex-sister-in-law ended up babysitting her kids when she went to college in my hometown.

I met “Z” that summer at the outdoor musical. I was a performer and she was in hospitality. We met when I went into the walk-in fridge to get a cold chocolate bar. We started dating late that summer and it got serious that fall. She was still in high school and I started my freshman year in college. During the time we were dating came a pivotal point in my life with decisions I still wonder about.

I was a music major in my first semester of college. I wanted to be a choir director. However I could only sing and could not play an instrument, which was a requirement. I failed class piano and my voice teacher told me that I would never amount to anything in the music world and that I should just give up. (Those words affected me greatly. I didn’t sing in a group after that for almost 24 years). So here I was, one semester in and changing majors. I was totally lost.

Let me backtrack a bit. When I was in high school, I was one of the academically gifted students (or so I was told). I graduated in the top 4% of my class, was a National Honor Society member and just missed out on being a National Merit Scholar. I had the grades and had a high SAT and ACT score. Despite all that I did not receive any interest from colleges for academics. Even though I was in All State Choir, the only scholarship offer I received was a $100 offer at my local university. My parents thought going to college was foolish and that I should just stay home and work in retail like my father.

What I didn’t know at the time was that the counselor at the high school could have been a resource to guide me in selecting a potential career and major in college. But I wanted to be a choir director and had no clue about any of the other possibilities out there. When I lost the dream of being a music teacher I did not know where to turn or what to fall back on. In my 20/20 hindsight I could have gone into a science-based degree or math-related. But I had no one to guide me or support me.

I finished out the semester and moved out of the dorm into an apartment and was offered a job as a radio disc jockey at an AM daytimer in a very small town about 30 miles away. “Z” had graduated high school and was planning to go to college that fall. She had moved in with me to the apartment because her parents were going through a nasty separation. The job was okay but there was no opportunity for growth. The owner did all the sales, news and sports. But it paid decent. I think I was making $140 a week. Not bad for 1977.

I got a call one day with a tip that an AM/FM combo north of me was looking for a sports guy. It was in a slightly bigger town and would offer more opportunities. I went up and applied and talked to the owner. He asked me if I had done sports (knowing full well that I had no experience) and of course I said yes. I got the job.

Now comes major decision time again. This new job was 70 miles north of the university town and a daily commute would not be an option. I would need to pack up and move to the new town. “Z” was not happy and said she would not move away from her mama. She broke up with me the day I packed up my car and headed north. I tried to reconcile but it was not to be. I would not see her again for about 10 years when my wife and I ran into her and her mother at a warehouse club store. We are currently social media friends.

Here I was at 19 years of age and I had already faced some major crossroads in my life that would shape who I am today some 44 years later. What would have happened had I not met “Z” and broke up with “Y”? What about if I had passed the piano class or if I had picked a different major than business after losing my music opportunity? What if I had ended up in another educational discipline more suited to my skillset? Or what if I had stayed in the town 25 miles south instead of moving north? (As it turned out, I learned a lot about the radio industry at the new job and became a pretty decent sportscaster. It is a skill I still use today.)

I sometimes wonder if we are really in control of our own destiny. Are we at the mercy of the wings of a butterfly on the other side of the world or is our path predetermined?

Am I flirting with madness for looking at all the possibilities of what life could have been if I had made one tiny change here or there?

One of the problems with looking at the variables of life is that many of those variables are out of our control. I lost out on a really good job opportunity because a potential co-worker was jealous of my success. But I met my current love because someone else convinced me to go to a party that I had no intention of attending.

It’s natural to wonder what life would be like if we had done things differently, but its also dangerous. One can get lost in all the “what-ifs” and “if-I-only’s” as they dive down that deep rabbit hole of possibilities.

It’s hard sometimes, but I try to look at my past mistakes, decisions and circumstances as learning opportunities. I try to take my regrets and learn what to do next time.

I’m turning 63 in a few days and I still have a lot of living and a lot of decisions ahead of me. Some will be good and others, well, not so good. But I will never know any other path than the one I am on.