The Many Faces of a Faux-pology

How you can say “no-way” to all of them.

Have you been on the receiving end of a faux-pology (false apology)?

Most of us have felt the hurt and confusion of having someone start to apologize and then veer off into a faux-pology. When someone we care about hurts us, we long for the opportunity to express our feelings, gain their understanding, and receive a heartfelt apology. You’re there waiting for understanding and remorse, but then, plot twist! They swerve off into excuse-land, population: one deluded human. This happens because a faux-pology only seems logical to the person who’s fooling themselves into thinking that such a half-hearted statement will resolve anything. The faux-pology is a self-deceptive maneuver that fails to address the core issue or provide any true repair.

When, for whatever reason, we receive a faux-pology, most of us feel disappointed and powerless. This sense of powerlessness stems from the confusion of dealing with a situation where the person who hurt us refuses to take responsibility.

In such moments, we grapple with a choice: should I accept this unsatisfactory “sorry, not sorry,” or challenge the inherent lameness of this situation?

What is a faux-pology exactly?

False apologies exhibit several red flags. Once you become adept at recognizing them, you can steer clear of the inclination to accept one of these apologies, only to spend the rest of the day feeling unsettled, yearning for some or any sincerity.

When we think of false apologies, the queen of faux-pologies comes to mind first. We all know this one too well: ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. It’s like someone giving you a wrapped gift, and when you open it, it’s just a mirror reflecting your own frustrated face. It’s also an example of a blame-shifting apology in which the blame is intentionally shifted back to you; stating that your feelings are actually the problem.

Take a look at the other types of faux-pologies below and see if you can identify any that you have endured:

• blame shifting (I’m sorry that you find my actions upsetting) Translation: You are too sensitive, get over it.
• conditional responsibility (I’m sorry if you were offended) Translation: I’m not sure, perhaps, maybe you might have been offended. Who’s to say.
• bullying (I said I’m sorry already, okay?) Translation: Don’t you dare bring this up again.
• justifying/gaslighting (I was just having some fun) Translation: You don’t know what’s what.
• manipulation (I’ll say sorry but only if you never bring this issue up again) Translation: You will not win this. I have more power than you.

Let’s look at an example of some faux-pologies in action:

Jan explains to Krista that she’s upset because Krista said she would take the dry cleaning in, but Jan just noticed that dirty clothes are still in the back of the car. “I needed those clothes clean for my interview tomorrow. I thought you said you would drop them off last week.”

Krista: I’m sorry but I was just really busy this week. [Justifying] Jan: Okay, but… Krista: Look, I’m sorry if you’re upset your interview outfit. [Conditional] Jan: Well yeah, I am... Krista: I said I’m sorry already, okay? [Bullying] Jan: You did? Krista: Listen, I’ll say sorry again, but I don’t want to hear any more about it. [Manipulation]

In this example, it’s clear that Krista is not taking responsibility for forgetting the dry cleaning. She also isn’t communicating remorse or understanding. Jan is left feeling gaslit, manipulated and bullied, plus she doesn’t have clean clothes for her interview. Does she really have any powerful communication options?

Powerful responses to a faux-pology

A faux-pology can make you feel powerless, but don’t give up. You are powerful when you have powerful communication tools at your finger tips. The strategies below position you to call out the faux-pology and ask for the understanding and repair that you want and deserve.

Powerful Response #1: The Empathy Embrace

This is a great starting place for changing the tone of any converstaion, including a faux-pology. It is important to remember that someone giving a faux-pology is probably feeling stressed and guilty and struggling to be honest and vulnerable about their mistake.

If you can muster it, express empathy for their situation, even if their apology is insincere. Show understanding while gently holding them accountable.

For instance, Jan could say:

“I understand you might be stressed right now, and I know you had a really busy week, but it’s important to own up to what happened. I need you to acknowlege your mistake.”

Powerful Response #2: Mirror Response

This approach can be effective in lightening the mood and may also ignite a spark of creativity, which can be instrumental in shaking off the anger that’s starting to boil.

Here’s how it works: You take the words of the faux-pology and reflect them back, but with a twist of humor. By doing so, you’re not only refusing to be placated by a hollow apology but also highlighting the preposterousness of what was said.

For example, Jan could say:

“That’s like saying ‘I’m sorry if the clothes didn’t hop out of the car and walk over to the dry cleaner themselves.’”

Powerful Response #3: The Appeal for Amends

Some people do not know how to give an sincere apology. Others may know, but need a straightforward reminder. If empathy and humor don’t shift tone of the apology enough, try this approach. Kindly but firmly request a sincere apology and ask for a commitment to avoid a repeat of the behavior.

You are providing a clear and direct road map for the other person. Sure, you may not feel that it is your responsibility to do this, but taking this step ultimately benefits you. After all, if the individual fails to acknowledge their mistake or commit to improvement, it’s important for you to know so you can make informed decisions about your relationship with them.

For example, Jan could say:

“I appreciate your attempts at an apology, but I’d like an apology where you clearly recognize your mistake and show that you understand how it affected me. An apology like that would really help me feel heard and respected.”

I hope you will try some of these powerful responses to a faux-pology. Let me know if you do!

Thanks for reading! I’m always happy to answer questions related to relationships. Feel free to ask questions in the comment section!