The Man’s Guide To Understanding A Woman’s Needs

(Not as complicated as you think).

Since the beginning of time, men have been asking the wrong question. That question is: “What do women want?”

There’s a reason why the answer is so evasive — because wants and needs are not always the same thing.

This is why you may get confused when looking at some of the couples you see…

Men will ask: “How did he end up with her?!”

He may not have been what she (thought she) wanted, but he understood how to meet her needs, just as she did for him — since relationships obviously go both ways.

So, let’s explore the needs that women have in relationships to help you get a greater understanding of what you might’ve missed in the past, and how you can show up better next time.

(Before you jump to the comments and ask where the article is about men’s needs, I already wrote that).

1: The need for safety.

Men think women want the “bad boy” because they’re adventurous, dangerous, and exciting.

While this is true for some phases of their lives, I fully believe that while she’ll date the “bad boy,” she will marry the gentleman.

Why? Because she knows adventure and excitement doesn’t necessarily make someone a good life partner.

It doesn’t mean she can fully trust him.

It doesn’t mean they have shared values and beliefs.

It doesn’t mean they’re compatible.

It doesn’t mean she can feel safe with him.

Not just physically safe — but emotionally and mentally safe. The type of safe that makes you feel comfortable opening up to someone, sharing your innermost thoughts and desires, being fully yourself, free of judgment.

This is the level of safety that, even if we don’t realize it for awhile, all of us need in a relationship. Without it, there will always be hesitations or walls that remain between us, preventing a full connection from forming.

2: The need to feel desired.

“James, I call women hot all the time and they block me on social media!”

Desire in a relationship is far more about just physical attraction.

Real, true, deep desire is the magnetic and undeniable draw from another person — not because of what they look like — but because of who they are.

When you truly desire someone, the feeling goes far beyond just the physical, deep into the emotional.

You crave their presence, you miss them even before they’ve left, you only see them in a world of billions of other options that come across your screen every single day.

This type of deep desire cannot come from just appearance. Sexual and physical attraction can be felt towards anyone who’s pleasant to look at — but a desire that lives within the core of your being is only reserved for the one person you’ll choose to commit your heart, mind, body, and soul to.

When she feels this level of desire it’ll pull her closer to you. It’ll open up the emotional connections and allow the pathways of love to flow freely. It’ll help her feel secure and stable in that space with you (more on this later), and that feeling cannot be faked or replicated.

She wants — nay — needs to feel this from you, else she’ll always be left wondering about your level of interest or dedication.

3: The need to feel appreciated.

“James, I’m a man and I need to feel appreciated, too!”

Congratulations, you’re starting to come to the realization that women aren’t alien creatures from another planet who are impossible to understand — they’re humans who share many of the same wants and needs as you do. The waters of dating have just been muddied by a society that spins all sorts of confusing narratives and story lines.

There is a high chance that the woman you’re dating has felt underappreciated or taken for granted in previous relationships. Perhaps she wasn’t properly loved, or cherished, or valued, or recognized.

Perhaps this stems from her upbringing, or experiences in early dating, or a previous marriage that ended poorly.

Regardless of the source, we’ve all been in relationships before that we felt our efforts going unnoticed.

I believe that women want to give to you in a relationship. They want to let their guard down, put in the effort, and fully commit themselves to someone…

However, they’ve learned they need to protect their heart until they know they’re giving it to the right person.

That knowledge begins with you showing deep and genuine gratitude and appreciation for all that she does — and also all that she is.

Would you continue giving your full self to a person and relationship if you didn’t feel like it was valued by the recipient? Of course not — no matter how kind, selfless, or caring you are. We all have a threshold where we begin to feel taken for granted, and our boundaries and standards help us realize when enough is enough.

4: The need to feel respected.

It doesn’t matter if you “believe” in the statistics about how women are treated differently than men — you cannot change the reality of the society we live in.

It’s glaringly obvious that the past century has brought about universes full of positive change for women, and many are outperforming men in the workplace, in higher education, and are leading the charge in industries that — just a few short decades ago — women weren’t even venturing into.

The truth is, though, there is still a long way to go and a lot of progress that must continue to be made.

My female clients are high-level executives, CEOs, business owners, and entrepreneurs…despite all of their success, they still tell me tales of how men treat them differently, talk over them, or pass over them for opportunities in favor of those in “the boys club.”

You don’t need to see this for your own eyes in order to understand that it happens every single day.

Hell — I saw it for myself when my wife owned her brick and mortar businesses pre-pandemic.

Maintenance men would come in to work on the shop and, immediately, assume that I owned the business. They’d address me, talk to me, and look right past her as if she was an employee or a random guest.

What point am I making by saying all of this? That women need to know they are respected in their relationship, because they spend much of their time fighting for it in other areas of life.

This means respecting and valuing her opinions, her beliefs, respecting her boundaries and never overstepping in offensive or hurtful ways.

It means seeing her as your equal on this journey of life — because she is.

5: The need to feel cared for.

“James, I thought women were supposed to be ‘strong and independent’ these days…why should they need to be ‘cared for’?”

Well, because they’re human beings.

All of us want — oops — need to feel cared for in our intimate relationship.

We need to know that the person we’re giving our heart to is going to look after it as if it was their own, or perhaps even better than that.

We need to know that we can count on them to step in and step up when we are feeling down, or ill, or facing a challenge.

We need to know that, if we are considering a lifelong relationship with someone, they’re going to take “in sickness and in health, until death to us part” seriously.

This is shown and felt through actions, through compassion, through empathy, through showing affection and support during both good and bad times.

Women are naturally and biologically more “nurturing” than men (more on this soon), but that doesn’t take away their need to feel like they can be the one cared for, at times, too — even if they don’t want to admit it.

6: The need TO care for others.

Listen — I’m as progressive as they come. I have spent the past decade publicly proclaiming my support and encouragement of equality, respect, women’s rights, and the need for men to step up and do better for the women in their lives.

I’ve made these arguments in articles, on stage, on television, and in magazines.

I do all of this, however, understanding that there are very real and undeniable biological differences between men and women.

Equality does not mean “sameness.”

We should be treated equally, but we should not erase the strengths that we possess and pretend that we are all the same.

I say this because, in many cases (not all, obviously), women feel a biologically stronger urge to nurture, in the same vein that men feel the urge to protect.

Women are fiercely protective of their children, we all know a “mama bear” who has shown her claws when necessary.

They also, however, are more connected to a need to care for others than we are as men.

Some women feel this magnetic pull that we call “baby fever,” where their body — and entire existence — is proverbially screaming to have someone to nurture and care for.

Some women tie their identity to that of nurturing, they always seek someone or something to care for.

My mother is like this — when my brother and I grew up and moved out, her and my dad began adopting dogs and care for them. They cared for our grandparents. They care for our kids. They care for everyone around them.

This, though, is inherently more obvious in my mother than in my father — you can probably relate, because it’s biologically true — at least in most cases.

This means she wants to love you. She wants to care for you. If you decide to have children, she wants to care for them, too.

Some men have a harder time opening up than others, but understand that by keeping her shut out, you’re removing her ability to give the love that she needs to give. Allowing her nurturing and caring side to roam free will strengthen your relationship.

7: The need for mutual TRUST.

We all have this need, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, background, beliefs, color, shape, size…

If a woman cannot trust you — I mean fully trust you, then she will close parts of herself off to you that are imperative for forming a close and necessary bond.

If she cannot trust you, she can’t respect you.

If she cannot trust you, she can’t open up to you.

If she cannot trust you, she can’t feel safe with you.

And, if she cannot trust you — she can’t love you.

To be honest, if you can’t be trusted, she shouldn’t be doing any of these things anyway — just as you shouldn’t if she cannot be trusted.

Trust is the cornerstone for any strong and healthy relationship.

8: The need for YOU to lead.

This point is only controversial to those who aren’t honest with themselves about what women need at their core as human beings.

We often mistake someone’s professional successes or fortitude with their innermost emotional and biological existence.

She may be the head of a large company. She may be the fierce single mother of multiple children who does it all herself. She may lead the way in the boardroom, or the courtroom, or on the field.

She still, however, wants you to step up and lead.

She needs to know that you are capable of stepping into your masculine strength as she steps into her feminine strength.

She needs to know that, while the pressures and responsibilities at work always fall on her back — the ones in your relationship don’t have to.

When I met Rachel, she’d left an abusive marriage while still pregnant (with our now 3-year old). She had our 7 year old by her side, who was at the time, 4.

She was running a large business, through all of it and was doing it all by herself after mustering the courage to walk away from a toxic situation.

Under no circumstances did she “need” me to come in and do anything.

However — my philosophy was — “You already do all of this, it’s time for you to sit back and not worry about something for once.”

I do most of the planning for dates, and trips, and travel, and the things that add more to her plate than necessary.

She’s juggling the kids, and the house, and their meals, and their school, and their…well, mostly everything.

I, then, do my best to step in and relieve the pressure and remove some responsibility from her when I can.

If she didn’t believe I was capable of that, or if I wasn’t, all I’d be doing is adding more on to her plate to manage just by being in her life.

Knowing that you are willing and capable of leading in areas she has no interest, nor time, nor energy to lead in — allow her a moment to breathe and know that things are taken care of, for once, for her and not by her.

9: The need for stability.

“James, I knew it, women just want men who have money!”

Sure, financial stability can help to relieve stress, but that’s not the only kind of stability that matters in a relationship.

Stability and security are necessary because they provide a solid ground to build a relationship on top of.

They are the foundation of the house, so to speak.

She’s likely dated men in the past who’d had a lot of growing up left to do. Perhaps they were confused about what they wanted, or ran “hot and cold,” or were inconsistent in their actions.

Needless to say, this causes hesitation and skepticism when it comes to opening up all over again for someone new.

Knowing and seeing that you are capable of stability and security in your own life is going to signal that you bring that to all of your relationships and interactions as well.

It doesn’t mean having a lot of money — you could work at an animal shelter making a modest living, but you’ve been doing it for a long time and are deeply connected to the cause you serve.

This shows stability. It shows consistency. It shows integrity and virtue.

Emotional stability is far more valuable than financial stability will ever be.

10: The need for reassurance.

Today, more than ever, we are living in a world of temptation around every corner.

When our parents and grandparents were dating…sorry…courting, the term “social media” would’ve sounded like a foreign language. So would “texting.”

Now, though, we are flooded all day every day with images and videos of beautiful people, lavish lifestyles, and our deepest most private fantasies could be visually explored at any time in private.

Uncomfortable? Maybe. True? Yes.

The woman in your life needs to know that she is the only woman in your life. That she isn’t at risk of being “traded in for a newer model.” That your eyes, mind, or heart aren’t wandering aimlessly when she’s at work, or running errands, or chasing the kids around the house.

Reassurance is simple — it just requires us to pay attention and be emotionally present.

To overtly value and cherish her. To give meaningful and genuine compliments. To help her deeply feel that she is now, and always will be, the only woman that we have intimate thoughts and feelings about.

All women have different thresholds for this — what is is that makes her question your intentions?

You may, for example, see nothing wrong with following those scantily clad models on social media. They are, after all, in different parts of the world and pose no “real” threat to your relationship — at least, in your mind.

She may, however, see things different. Much, much, differently.

Communicate. Understand her boundaries. Respect them. Stop doing things that make her uncomfortable. Show her every day that you value and cherish her above all else, and that there is no risk of losing you.

(As long, of course, that you really mean it).

11: The need for the truth.

We all know that honesty and truthfulness is a requirement to be in a relationship. You demolish trust the moment you tell a lie — which will inevitably be discovered eventually.

It’s more than just the everyday “honesty,” though. There is truth we are tempted to hide from others around every corner.

Truth about an insecurity.

Truth about something going wrong at work.

Truth about missing a deal that was going to help you save for that house.

Truth about feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied in the relationship.

Truth about how you feel, why you feel it — or even what you don’t feel.

Truth about your wants, needs, desires, and even fantasies.

It’s natural to want to hide something from our partner if we feel ashamed, embarrassed, or even that it may hurt them or cause conflict.

Here’s the thing, though — a truth that may be painful is always better than a lie that may be comforting.

She needs to know that she can believe the things you say, and trust in your actions. Even one lie, no matter how “small” you considered it to be, can raise question about everything you’ve ever said to her in the past, and everything you may say to her in the future.

It is far easier to maintain trust through honesty, than it is to try to repair it after being dishonest.

12: The need to be fully seen and loved for her truest self.

How many people do you think know her?

I don’t mean her coworkers, or her social media followers, or friends — or hell, even her family…

I mean really, truly, deeply know her?

The most raw and uncensored her that exists inside of her own mind. The insecurities, doubts, fears, questions, past traumas, hesitations, and pain?

Also, though — the hopes, ambitions, dreams, love, compassion, empathy, selflessness?

Most of us hide pieces of ourselves from others as an act of self-preservation. We don’t want to be judged, or ridiculed, or fully exposed to anyone but ourselves (and that’s only because we don’t have a choice in the matter).

Some, of course, take unhealthy measures to hide themselves from themselves, too.

It’s easy to see, then, what a powerful and unique act of love it is to embrace all parts of a person as they are today.

Not who we hope they’ll become tomorrow.

Not who they used to be in their younger years before they knew any better.

But who they are in this present moment — worthy of love — worthy of being cherished — worthy of being valued.

The woman you love, just like you do, needs (and deserves) this level of ultimate acceptance in your relationship in order to feel fully connected both to you, and to herself.

If you can both create a space and and atmosphere that you can both step into where the masks are removed, the souls are bared, the hearts are fully shown, and the entirety of your truest selves are fully embraced…there will be nothing that can shake the foundation built underneath you.

• Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together. My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.