Why “The Man Should Love the Woman More” Is More Than Social Expectation
Cultural criticisms aside, science may be right on this one
I recently watched The Office. One of the scenes that struck me was Mindy Kaling’s (as Kelly) obsession with B. J. Novak (as Ryan). Kaling and Novak were in love, but they always bickered over everything.
From all observations, one can see that Kaling wanted to be loved and accepted by Novak, but Novak wasn’t committed to their relationship. He was a narcissistic manipulative boyfriend whose only agenda was to mess with Kaling’s feelings. Their scenes featured a bit of romance, arguments, and breakups.
Some fans pointed out that Novak intentionally strung Kaling along because he wasn’t ready to marry her which was Kaling’s dream. Their complicated dynamic in The Office reflected their real-life relationship.
Novak and Kaling have been friends since season one of The Office. In an interview with Insider, Novak described their relationship as a “romantic, toxic boundaries mess,” just as we see in The Office. The two broke up because they were better of as friends than as lovers.
“I will freely admit: My relationship with BJ Novak is weird as hell,” Kaling said. “He is not my boyfriend, but he is not my best friend. I guess you could describe our relationship as a ‘romantically charged camaraderie with loud arguments,’” Kaling opened up to Insiders.
We see this scenario often among couples. When a woman loves the man more, the relationship rarely works.
Human emotions cannot be measured in scales. It’s undeniable that one person will have to love the other more since loving on equal balance is impossible to achieve.
Love is beautiful, but not without pain
Over the weekend, I was talking with some women from the Rotary Club. I have been a member of this club for close to six years now. I know some of the women’s journeys — in their careers and romantic relationships.
I’m not nosey. But I’ve noticed that people feel comfortable sharing their feelings with me. Maybe cause I listen without judging them. And I give my honest opinion, even the ones they find it hard to admit.
I think some people fake niceness to fit in. But that is not me. I will tell you the truth straight as it is without prejudices.
Anyway, back to my story. I listened to the women’s stories with keen interest as one woman after another shared their love experiences.
One of the women, let’s call her Raven, has been married to her husband for five years. They started dating when she was 17 and he was 20. Early in their relationship, before they got married. He left her for another woman but she loved him and waited for him to come back to her. And he did — after a few months.
He did a lot of things to win back her trust again. He would serenade her with his poetry. Yes, he was an artist. And a talented one at that. His exes would threaten Raven — telling her her marriage won’t last because they will do anything to get back with her husband.
That should prove what a romantic this man was. Ladies melted at the sight of him, which made Raven insecure at times. Raven said she felt so happy that he chose her among other women, and she let him get away with pretty much anything.
She has never turned him down for sex, and she allows him to spend extravagantly — throwing thousands of dollars on video games, music gear — and anything he wants even if they end up spending their monthly housekeeping allowance because she loved him.
However, since they got married, things are no longer the same. The poetry stopped. He doesn’t spoil her with pampering and gifts like he used. They haven’t been on a special date, and he always makes excuses for not spending time with her.
Raven is a housewife. When her husband comes home from work, she expects him to spend time with her since she was bored and alone throughout the day. But he will rather play video games all night than pay attention to her.
One day, she broke down. She has tried to have a mature conversation about her problem with her husband several times but he won’t budge. She couldn’t bear his indifference toward her anymore.
They had an argument and things haven’t gone well since then. They are living like two roommates under one roof. He doesn’t eat her food. When she greets him, he doesn’t respond. Raven is confused about what to do. She wishes she knew what she did wrong and why he changed after their marriage.
I can write all the stories of the women I met at the club and their soured love life but that will only make this post longer than it should.
I tried to make sense of why their husbands disrespects them so much.
Why did the affection stop? Why did they suddenly give up on loving their partners? Were these men ever in love in the first place?
It wasn’t as if these women were rich, or earning more than their male partners. Some of them are full-time housewives. They weren’t complaining about taking full responsibility for running their households. They just wanted a bit of pampering and maybe recognition for their efforts.
Who should love more in a relationship?
When I got home from the club. I hit the shower and got ready for bed. My mind kept flashing back to my conversation with the women from the club.
I thought it would be a great idea to reveal why men fall out of love faster than women and why they don’t recognize the efforts their women contribute to the relationship. And to my surprise, I discovered more than I bargained for.
Apparently, there is a psychological explanation for how we fall in love.
Love is the most sacred, beautiful, and powerful feeling in the world. It’s like an addiction. You feel an intense euphoria just thinking of the person. Your attention will be focused on the person, and have obsessive thoughts about the person. You rely on them emotionally and crave an intimate bond with them.
When we love someone, we don’t mind going overboard to express how we feel about them. We don’t see our excessive display of affection as a problem and we can ignore when our actions undermine the other person’s actions.
We tend to place the other person’s interest before ours and as such we give them the power to hurt us. They think they can mistreat, or underestimate, what we’re offering them.
As a result, the care, time, and passion that we put into making them feel seen, adored, and valued, can be rejected.
The problem is when someone doesn’t honor the love shown to them, they usually end up abusing it — and abusing us as well. In other words, the person who loves more often gets hurt more.
When you love someone more than they love you, the balance shifts off to one side and the love starts fading away.
Eventually, one partner starts carrying all the weight of their relationship on their shoulders and soon burns out. However, men love differently than women.
Why it makes sense for the man to love the woman more
Researchers discovered that men fall in love faster than women. Probably why we hear things like, “Men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.” So not only are men subject to falling in love quicker than women, men need less justification to allow themselves to fall in love when they are attracted to someone.
You will know when a man is in love with you because his behaviour will show you that your happiness is important to him. He will want to be around you while giving you space so he doesn’t come off as an obsessed guy.
He will make you his priority and won’t be ashamed to be vulnerable in front of you.
When a man stops loving you, he begins to pull away. He will disrespect you and stop caring. It can range from ignoring you when you’re hurt to going out of his way to upset you. He might dismiss your feelings and ignore you, and on a bad day, he puts you down in front of others.
You will realize that the one person who was committed to loving and taking care of you forever is quick to dismiss your feelings.
And to make matters worst, he will gaslight and guilt trips you to avoid taking responsibility for his action. If you try to talk to him about it, he’ll twist it around and accuse you of being too sensitive or dramatic.
What happens when a woman loves a man more than he loves her?
Women are biologically clingy. When we love, we love too much and so we try everything not to lose the person. You become so invested in the person’s life and forget about your own individuality, your own dreams and you change your lifestyle to fit into his.
But in reality, being clingy can push a man away. The expectations women demand of men out of love can be too much pressure on the man. And a masculine man will misinterpret excessive love as love bombing or manipulation.
Studies prove that the oxytocin (love hormone) in women is higher than it is in men. This may explain why women love too much and why we are more sensitive than men when our love is not requited.
You have made this man the center of your world so you expect him to return the same and show up whenever you need him. If he doesn’t, you feel broken and worthless. You think you are undesirable.
So if science is correct, a woman should never love a man more than he loves her. Because if she does, she will most likely end up in a one-sided relationship like Raven, which will surely bring her misery and tears.
