The Making of Adult Friendships

Don’t underestimate the benefits of adult friendships, even if you’re a loner

Over the past few years, I’ve made three good friends. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve met women with whom I connect and have easy conversations, who like doing the same things I do, and who enjoy lively conversation.

Only one of my decades-old friendships still exists outside of social media, in the form of phone calls every few months and a get-together maybe once or twice a year. I had made several friends at a former workplace, but I haven’t spent time with them since I quit and moved out of that city. Until a few years ago, I hadn’t made any new friends since.

Now I have two local friends with whom I have standing plans every week to walk and eat, alternating the start of the walk at each of our homes. We also get together for occasional pickleball games and just to eat or hang out. There’s another very busy local friend I don’t see as much or have regular plans with, but we’re there for each other and get together every few months.

I never thought I’d connect with anyone as well as the friends I made long ago when I was younger. But I did and I haven’t been this happy in a long time.

Part of the reason for the change is that I’m more mentally healthy now. The other part is that I can relate to these women. We’re all either single or separated, our kids are grown, and we have a mutual friendly attraction and connection. I honestly wasn’t sure it would ever happen.

When my child was young, I used to wish I could become friends with some of the other moms, but no real friendships materialized. I did have several work friends to go out with on the weekends, and we had a lot of fun. Mostly though, I spent non-work time either alone, with my family, on hobbies like figure-skating and tennis, or with a man I was dating.

But after I moved to a different city over a decade ago, I didn’t make any new friends for a long time. About two years after I moved, I started seeing a guy who was wrong for me. Whether his fault, mine, or both, I became socially isolated and withdrawn. I made him too much of my life, and ignored the slowly evolving signs of that dysfunctional, betrayal-ridden relationship.

After I left that situation, I started doing things like therapy, mindful living, adding yoga to my workout schedule, and mindfulness meditation. And then I made it a priority to seek out and nurture good, mutually satisfying female friendships.

Along with my appreciation for adult friendships, I now understand how important it is to give myself the alone time that I need. I’ve also been able to address some things that have been affecting my relationships all my life, specifically how hard it was for me to communicate directly and confidently with the people I was closest to. I’ve since developed the ability to be assertive when I need to be, in order to respect my own and other people’s boundaries.

It’s not as easy to make friends as a middle-aged adult as it is in high school or college, for obvious reasons. Since I hadn’t made close friends through hobbies like tennis and political activism, I had to take matters into my own hands. We use the internet to meet people to date, so why not use it to find friends?

I searched for local meet-up groups on meetup.com and that’s where I found two of my current local friends. The other one is someone I met through an adult competitive sport. That thrills me to death because I’d been figure skating for years and had yet to meet a lasting friend there.

Another thing I like is that two of these new friends are single. Over the years, I had lost touch with all my single friends and hadn’t come across any that I connect with after I moved. I like that these newer friends, like me, appreciate having met each other and aren’t embarrassed to say so.

Having regular pre-arranged get-togethers, like our weekly walk and supper date, keeps us better in touch and keeps me from becoming a loner again. I totally recommend trying to have regular get-togethers if you can, where you have standing plans, even if it’s only once a month.

I’m no longer trying to live like someone I’m not. If I don’t feel like doing something, I say so. If I feel uncomfortable with something or don’t understand something because of my delayed processing of social cues, I can say so. I’m no longer in denial about my individuality, and that helps me be a better friend.

The other day one of my friends said, “Carolyn never breaks plans.” It’s true, I’m super reliable for showing up. But I wasn’t always that way. Over the years I’ve learned not to make more plans than I really want to. In the past, I not only denied the fact that I need a lot of alone time, but I would also make plans with different people only to cancel some of them.

Although I appreciate my alone time, I’m glad to have a little less of it than I used to. And my newfound assertiveness in personal relationships makes me more confident about what I want and don’t want to do. That keeps me from agreeing to too much and having to break plans.

Now I’m in a relationship where I feel valued and happy. I have a full social life and am paying more attention to my interests. My child just graduated from college and we’re entering the adult stage of our relationship, which is beautiful. My adult friendships are a big part of this new feeling of satisfaction. I highly recommend them.