The Magic Trick I Did For A Friend? Kill Kermit.

We all make stupid decisions when we’re young. And sometimes, we just don’t know how stupid the idea is until it’s already too late; it just gets worse. And the price you pay is a life. Rest in pieces.

Disclaimer: Yes, Kermit is a frog. But this is not a story for children. An animal was unfortunately harmed in this story, an act I had to do outside the laboratory. I do not condone such unethical and not medically approved method. I regret doing that. I was young. I was desperate. I was stupid.

Biology is such an interesting subject. You get to understand what’s inside the body. And in our sophomore year, I learned this in such an extreme degree. The frog dissection is one important project which becomes a rite of passage for all high school students. It’s a major one, representing about 50% of our grades. We all underwent the proper briefing on what exactly must be done.

We were asked to pair up. And my lab partner was one of my best friends. Now I normally wouldn’t have any issues being on a tag team with my best buddy; that’s a set-up most would prefer. But this guy, Noel, was the Best in Science back in our freshman year. He also became the top officer of our school’s science club. And I swore to myself I will not be the friend who will put a stain on his reputation!

But hey! I’m not the dumb friend in a clique! I’d like you to know that I’m smart! I was the Best in English during our freshman year, the editor-in-chief in our school paper, and president of the student council! OKAY?! I am not sure how those things would help in cutting an amphibian open, but I needed to point those out. Please believe me I am smart. Don’t forget that no matter how stupid this story goes. It’s about to get bat-shit — err uhm, frog-shit crazy rather.

Because I was in such big pressure to do so well so that Noel’s academic performance will not be affected, it became a clean execution! We put the frog in deep sleep with chloroform, pinned it down and dissected it smoothly. We went through all the process for that project that week. We put the frog in a jar of formalin for preservation because we had to move on to the next activity — the skeletal system display. It was Friday and we were almost done with the bone model. I’d like to think I made Noel proud because I was such a reliable lab partner. And for the finishing touches, I volunteered to take over putting it in a frame for the final submission on Tuesday.

I went home that Friday night and bought some items needed to make it presentable — nail polish, illustration board, plastic cover. I got home and put the frog skeletal system aside. I planned to dedicate the entire Saturday to make Noel and my project the most presentable one in class! I got this, bro!

I woke up on a Saturday morning only to notice that our project was missing! It was right on top of that table?! I remained calm and asked mom if she put it away. She didn’t. Not panicking at all. This can’t be some ghost story about a frog, right? I tried searching under the table, bed, and cabinet. Nothing. It’s not like a vengeful spirit of a frog is gonna leap right at me, right? Right?! And then I started noticing these white granules on the floor. I started following it leading to the dark area under our stairs. That’s when I realized this was indeed a horror story about death…my death. Noel is going to kill me! The frog skeletal system was pulverized! I forgot about the fat rat in our house!

When they say frogs taste like chicken, I’m telling you that rat would agree! I cannot — for the life me — think why on earth would a rat still eat bones of a frog! What I saw were the remains OF THE REMAINS of the frog we have dissected and fleshed out!

Now I am full-blown panicking! Major project! Fifty percent of the grade! Tuesday submission! Best in Science!

NO! This cannot be happening! Okay, Andrew, you’re smart, right. Think! Do you glue everything together?

They’re pulverized for cryin’ out loud!

Do you just buy a toy skeletal system?

Come on, our biology teacher know its skeletal system by heart! She would know if it’s made in China!

So do you tell Noel?

Sure! And let the one thing that ruined your friendship be Kermit The Frog. Go ahead!

I took a deep breath and collected myself. I pulled out all my resources, researched, and contacted people, pretending to randomly ask where to buy a frog. You know, the normal thing you ask on a Saturday morning. Yes, I’m doing another dissection!

The good news is there’s this place that sells live frogs. That’s it! I quickly made my way there and bought one. I’ve decided that since this is all my fault, I would have to do it on my own without Noel knowing. This is my battle!

Fortunately, the shop was open Saturday afternoon. I chose a frog which is the same size as the one we had. Hi Kermit! And when I got home with the frog in a blown-up plastic bag, that’s when it dawned on me…what now?!

How will I execute the dissection outside the lab? I am missing all the tools and chemicals needed! First, my crime was negligence! Will I add robbery and trespassing in school property on the list?! I have to get by on my own. DIY frog dissection!

The stupidity of the situation is snowballing as I go through the steps. I have no gloves, so I wrapped my hands with plastic bags. I don’t want to directly touch the slimy frog! How do I pin down a live frog?

I feel the chill in my spine when I realized I didn’t have any chloroform to knock the frog out. It’s not like Kermit is going to lay there gently, “Go, human, cut me open, please.” It’ll protest!

And then I remember reading somewhere that frogs end up slowly dying if you put them on a pot of water over a fire. They’d think they’re in a hot bath and not realize that the gradually rising temperature would eventually kill them. That’s it! I got some few tricks under my sleeves!

So I got the pressure cooker out. Sorry, mom. Delicately put the frog inside while cringing. Just as I was about to close the lid, Kermit, which is not stupid like me, after all, realized what I was about to do. It started jumping around. I haven’t poured the water yet. If I make the opening bigger, it will surely jump out! So what now?

Do I let Kermit starve to death?

Deadline is in two days, dumb ass! You have to find another way!

Do I smash Kermit’s head with a rock?

No, you need the bones, god damn it!

There must be something that will be a quick death but will not damage the bones! Yes, I still care for Kermit!

And then like a magical snap of a finger — I got an idea!

I’m just going to drop two items and an image for you to get what I did. I refuse to explain the method in detail because I don’t want this story to be fixated on the animal cruelty. What I did is wrong! I’m sorry. But if anything, please let this be about the lengths I went through for a friend. So here it goes:

A plastic container

A sharp knife.

And this thing we see on a magic show:

Skipping that part leaves me with a dead frog. I wish I could tell you that the mayhem is over. But it was late when I realized as well that I did not have a jar of formalin to submerge the frog into. That’s the process for making the body tender for easier de-fleshing.

How do I remove the flesh out of this frog without damaging the bones?

Ah! I will just put the body on the floor and let the ants eat the flesh away!

STUPID! What made you think that a meaty frog will be left untouched by the fat rat that was willing to munch on the bones of an amphibian!

So I have to manually de-flesh it! There’s no other way! It’s cold and mushy with all the internal organs. It was horrifying. It took hours of squirming and ugly crying. I kept on saying sorry to the dead frog. I had more struggle de-fleshing on some body parts so there were a few bones that got broken.

I managed to go through piece by piece. I let it dry off and this time guarded it with my life. I assembled the pieces together to redo the skeletal model, trying my best to closely resemble the one we originally had. It took the entire weekend for me to accomplish that. It was in no way an exact replica.

On Monday, I showed it to Noel with a nervous smile. Will he notice that? The Catholic schoolboy in me prayed the strongest prayer that the traumatic experience I had was worth it. I prepared the most sincere and dramatic speech for the confrontation, just in case.

“This is not our frog. What happened?” Noel investigated.

And then I broke down. I explained to him what happened and that I was really really sorry.

Noel was stoic as always and then said, “ It’s okay. Let’s just buy an already made-up model. I know a place.”

I was so shookt. What happened to academic integrity?! This is cheating and dishonesty!

But then I held my tongue and thought of how that comes pale in comparison to the brutal murder I was guilty of.

Eventually, we ended up buying a finished product from the same place where I bought the live frog. Oh, the irony! It was a perfect model! In fact, it was too perfect that we had to make a compromise. We remove some parts from the one we bought and replaced it from the butchery I did.

When we were about to submit the final project to our biology teacher, I also prepared the most sincere and dramatic speech, which readily absolves Noel of any crime. It was all my fault. I was hoping to be rewarded by my noble act.

Thank god our teacher did not notice the trick we did and we got a passing mark.

And that was the last time Noel and I spoke with each other.

Kidding!

We’re still friends until now. Oh the magic of friendship!

Andrew Beso is a Manila-based content creator who is exploring different ways of presenting art — whether it be written, spoken, and visualized. His work, aside from being in Medium, can also be seen on Youtube, Instagram, and Tiktok. He is currently taking up a master’s in political economy and is using creative expression in discussing social issues.