parenting | love | intuition

The Magic of Non-Verbal Persuasion in Life, Love and Parenting

Being persuasive is not merely the words you use

Recently, on occasions, my kids have piped up with, “You’re a great mum,” and given my ego that lovely massage every parent needs from time to time. And, because they say it as if they really mean it, it does make me think that I have done something right in my life.

As a new mother, all those lovely long years ago (nigh on twenty, in case you’re wondering), I went through the very same doubts as every new parent goes through. Actually, I would call it mental torture rather than doubts. Fellow mamas, you hear me, right?

And I had my fair share of criticism too — from people other than myself, I mean.

I was told, on numerous occasions, that I spoilt my kids. Apparently, choosing to breastfeed long term along with feeding on demand was spoiling them. Or, if it wasn’t that I was spoiling them, it was that I was being controlled by them.

I worried when my eldest was a tweenager and struggled with self-image, weight-gain, and making and keeping friends. I blamed myself for much of it.

Yet, no matter how much self-doubt, self-criticism, or external criticism went on, a part of me felt like this parenting malarkey was second nature and I simply did what felt the most natural.

In addition, I had my own childhood to refer back to and all the mistakes that I felt my parents made with me. I consciously chose the path other than those I perceived as mistakes.

For example, when my girls wanted to attend dance or music classes, I did everything in my power to ensure they could pursue their passions while my own parents had seen my desires to learn such things as passing whims. As a result, my eldest daughter achieved the highest results possible in her music and performing arts school exams and my younger daughter danced for years, until her weak ankles forced her to take a break from dancing on pointe. (Now, after months of physiotherapy, she is looking to start again)

All in all, my parenting has been subconscious in the sense of allowing my intuition to guide me, while conscious in the sense of wanting to encourage them to explore possibilities, to offer them opportunities, to encourage their curiosity and enable them to get lost in something they love.

The Art of Persuasion

This morning, I was listening to a podcast of a British guy who helps people to successfully launch their own courses, memberships, and mentorship programmes. While I don’t care to hear the finer details of his paid offerings, he is someone I really enjoy listening to, simply because I feel like he thinks in a similarly chaotic but spiritually guided manner as I do.

He was speaking about a book that he recently read on Persuasion Marketing and shared some examples from the book. The example he used was the way in which two different parents may respond to their teenager’s aspirations. It went something like this:

Imagine that the teenager says to one parent, “I want to become an astronaut,” and is told by that parent that it’s a nice idea but perhaps he should consider something more achievable. Later, when the other parent comes home, the teenager tells him/her, “I want to become an astronaut,” and this parent says, “Great, let’s see how we can make that happen.” They then go online together and research how to maximise the teenager’s chances at succeeding in their chosen career path. Which parent do you think is going to influence the kid the most?

Funnily enough, I could see myself as that teenager. I could hear my mother’s voice, always looking at what could go wrong, every single time I had an idea.

This continued into adulthood to the point that my mother would be constantly suggesting that I take a cleaning job or set up a dog-walking side business because she was so convinced that my own business would ultimately fail. So much so that I gave up telling her whether things were going well or not.

My dad, on the other hand, loved to hear when I had a new idea and would always ask to find out how it was going. He would be delighted when I was able to tell him that my endeavours were going well and, meanwhile, his gentle encouragement also instilled a sense of responsibility and risk-evaluation, to avoid stupid mistakes.

My dad made several of his own mistakes but did he let that stop him encouraging his daughters to pursue their inspired ideas and passions? Not at all.

And, not surprisingly, I would say, hands down, that my dad’s influence was the strongest and that I would look to him for guidance on which path to take.

So, How Does This Relate to Persuasion?

Persuasion is simply the art of getting someone to listen to you. You don’t need to tell someone that you know the answer to their problem and attempt to sway them to agree with you in order to get them following your guidance and example.

Recently, when my eldest daughter told me that I was a good mum, I believe that it was based on a number of things — that she felt listened to and heard by me, that she felt I acknowledged her in decision-making, that she felt I lived my life with integrity and gave them that example, that I gave them license to try things yet maintain self-reliance, and that I showed them that it’s possible to live with some element of risk and fun while maintaining self respect, and responsibility.

Likewise, these kids are damn fine kids. I haven’t had to deal with them testing the limits with alcohol or drugs, or any of the usual teenage rebellion, and I haven’t found myself fighting with them about much at all. On the contrary, we talk about everything under the sun and they are just lovely to spend time with.

It could be said that I did a pretty good job of persuading them to be decent kids. Or I could have struck it lucky when those genes collided and did their mish-mash thing in my womb.

I would definitely say the latter is true. Yet when it comes to Persuasion Marketing, though I am not sure about my ability to master it for business purposes, I think I may not be too bad at it where parenting is involved.

For now, I will keep doing what I am doing and hope that it works out in the long run.