The Love Stories of Authentic Female Friendships
We fiercely surround each other with our love
One of my dearest friends recently sent me a wooden ornament of an elephant. The card that came with it brought me to tears.
The card tells the story of how when a female elephant is suffering, the other female elephants circle around her to protect her. They try to cover her scent and hide her vulnerability by kicking up dust.
The elephant represents the fierce and loyal love of female friendships.
I have seven close friends with who I have been friends for over 20 years. Two are from high school and five are from college. They are the friends who know me the best, as they have seen me all the way from my teenage years through career, marriage, kids, and divorce. They know all the versions of me, as I do of them.
We do not live close to each other, so we may go months without seeing each other. Communication is sometimes irregular. But each time we are back together, we pick up right where we left off.
There is an ease to our friendships. We see each other on a deep level. We know secrets and ridiculous stories about each other. There is nothing to hide. We’ve seen and know it all.
Time with these friends lights up my soul. We laugh so hard our stomachs hurt. We share things that make us cry. We love all the quirks and all the parts of each other.
Their friendships are one of the greatest gifts I’ve received in this life.
I have made other amazing friends in my post-college life. Some friends have come from work. Other friends have come from my church and community.
These friends are wonderful in a different kind of way. They only know the adult and mom versions of me, but since they live closer to me, they are more integrated into my life. They have been both emotionally and physically present for me in a way that has been a gift.
It can be difficult to make authentic friendships as an adult. We may not feel as free to be ourselves as we did when we were younger. We may feel we need to present a perfectionistic image of ourselves out of fear that the real version will not be accepted.
Or it may be hard to find people with who we truly connect and who will support and protect us when we are suffering and vulnerable.
When we find adult friendships where we are free to be the authentic version of ourselves, and where we are supported and protected during the messy parts of life, those are the friendships we should treasure.
These kinds of people are rare.
Elephant love, the love that is fierce, strong, and loyal, has been a love I have been blessed with from all the circles of my friends. Although I have always valued my female friendships, going through my divorce made me value these friendships even more.
Pain and hardship are unavoidable in life. Several different friends of mine have said, as they shared their struggles, “I wish I would have known life was going to be this hard.”
As we grow older, life becomes harder. We realize how uncertain life is and how much there is we do not control. It is not just life itself that is fragile, but the constructs of our life.
Within my circles of friends, we have seen and experienced all kinds of devastation and heartbreak. There have been struggles with illness, death of loved ones, infertility, miscarriage, divorce, post-partum depression/anxiety, family issues, and other traumatic circumstances.
It is through those difficult circumstances that we realize how important our authentic relationships are. The support from others, whether it’s physical or emotional, is the love that carries us through our most difficult times.
The ornament my friend sent me was to thank me for being her elephant. She has been mine as well. There have been times where I have been the one in the middle of the circle, surrounded by the love of many different elephants.
And I have been blessed to witness elephant love being shown to others.
Last Christmas Eve one of my friends, a mother of four young children, was admitted to the hospital to undergo months of cancer treatments. Her two best friends live across the street from me. While she was in the hospital, they cared for and loved her children as if they were their own.
Ten children ran back and forth between the two houses. They called it the commune. My office window looks out across the street, and I would often see them and hear their shouts and laughter as they all played together.
One evening I was across the street with the families as they divided the 10 kids up for baths and showers. It didn’t matter whose child belonged to who. They were all family.
Each day I witnessed love in action. It was beautiful. It was elephant love.
Elephant love can be extraordinary. But it can also be ordinary. What defines elephant love is it’s authenticity, fierceness, and loyalty.
Elephant love sacrifices, but it doesn’t keep score. It is freely given without conditions. It is kind, trustworthy, gentle, and patient. It is a love that wants to meet your needs. It always has your back.
Elephant love is the light illuminating your path through the darkness. It encourages you when you feel like you can’t take another step.
Elephant love is not afraid of human suffering. Elephant love sees, hears, accepts, and seeks to understand. What others may judge or shame, elephants embrace with love.
Elephant love is true and real. It does not wear a mask. It is not concerned with trivial things. It does not care about image, facades, or the illusion of perfection. Elephant love holds imperfection with grace.
Elephant love is the kind of love that heals.
Elephant love is the love that never fails.
Elephant love is beautiful in its extraordinary form. In the way, friends care for the children of a mother who is going through cancer treatments.
Or in the way, a friend drives three hours here and three hours back home in one day, so she can visit and help the new mom who is struggling with her baby.
Elephant love is also beautiful in its ordinary form.
It is the text messages checking in, with genuine concern for how you’re doing.
It is the regular phone calls made to you by a friend when you’re going through difficult times.
It is a home-cooked meal delivered to your door.
It is a friend bringing your child home from activities so you don’t have to drag your other kids out of the house at bedtime.
It is knowing that whenever you need help, or you simply need an ear to listen, you need only to look next door or across the street.
It is walking and talking and feeling free to share your story without fear of judgment.
It is friends sitting with you in your darkness, holding space, and allowing you to express painful emotions without trying to fix anything.
It is friends praying over you, as tears stream down your face.
It is the journal with a special verse that appears on your doorstep in one of your darkest moments.
It is a card with a comforting message.
It is the flowers sent to you on the first birthday following your divorce.
It is a reindeer holding fun coasters.
It is a journal that brings joy.
It is a handmade card and a bottle of wine.
It is a beautiful bracelet.
It is a wooden elephant to hang on your Christmas tree.
In a sea of cubic zirconia, elephants are the diamonds. Elephants are friends whose love is real.
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
~The Velveteen Rabbit
Some of my elephants live near and some live far. Some I talk to frequently and some infrequently.
I know my elephants will always be there for me in difficult times, as I will for them, with fierce and loyal love. I also know they are here for me in ordinary times. In the times where we drink and laugh or walk and talk or sit and pray. In the times where we call or text. In the simple gifts, I treasure more than gold.
The greatest gift from my elephants is the knowledge that I am never alone. Like kicked-up dust, their love is always swirling around me. I am always held by love, and when I need to be, I am carried.
When we think of love and soulmates, we often think of romantic love and one special romantic partner. But love can take many forms, and we can have many soulmates in this life.
Sometimes love and soulmates appear in the form of elephants.
Elephant love. It’s who we are for each other. It’s why we are here.
