The Love Language That Will Screw You Over — How to Manage It

Beyond the five love languages.

Everyone’s heard of the five love languages.

Okay maybe not everyone, but I reckon it’s close. Almost everyone in therapy to work on their relationship issues can name their primary “language”.

This simple classification was the brainchild of Dr Gary Chapman who wrote the classic book The Five Love Languages 30 years ago.

He outlined five key ways we communicate with our partners. Quality time. Words of affirmation. Acts of Service. Physical Touch. Receiving Gifts.

And readers loved it (and still do), primarily because it offers a solution to an age-old quest: to know how we love, and want to be loved.

But those five love languages are not what we talk about in therapy.

Nope, we talk much more about the other — extremely common — language that gets in the way of love.

We talk about fear.

What’s your love history?

Fear underpins many relationship struggles.

Obviously being with a toxic partner ignites fear, so does having your trust broken by the one you’re with. But so do the fears we bring into our relationships, those embedded in us from a difficult “love history.”

I worked with a woman whose five-year marriage had just broken up. She was struggling with two of the most common fears in love — abandonment and rejection.

She had a painful history of loss — the death of loved family members but also betrayal in her relationships — and it had left her hypersensitive in love.

She had developed a pattern of getting close to someone then pulling back, finding ways to critique her partner or pick the relationship apart before she could be rejected. She’d lost some potentially good partners along the way.

“I’m aware of what I’m doing,” she said, “but it’s almost like if I’m going to be dumped I want it to be because of the way I behaved rather than who I am.”

Ouch. You can see why love was both difficult and painful for her — and why her best intentions ended unhappily.

Is it them? Or you?

Being hurt in love can have a long tail. But it’s important to note when it might be impacting your current relationships — to know how much of your struggle in love is not them, but you.

Because you can’t control the way someone else loves — but you can absolutely work on your own approach. And knowing you have that power can make all the difference.

If you’re struggling in relationships — and particularly if you see a pattern where you’re looking for the escape hatch, here are some tips to help.

Blame your history, not yourself.

No one is naturally fearful in love. For proof, consider how newborn babies interact with their environments — until their world teaches them otherwise. Yes, our biology plays a role in who we become but most fear comes from the environments we learn to love and live in, our people, and the experiences we have. Your history is not your fault. It is only to be understood. Once we shift the blame away from ourselves it’s easier to see the path forward.

Be vulnerable with a (worthy) partner.

When we are fearful in love it can cause us to question our choices. Or not to question them because we believe we are the faulty one. And that can mess with our radar on who to trust.

Obviously, some potential partners need to be doubted. Not everyone will make a good match for us — and some people will hurt us. But when you find someone who is worthy of your trust, who is a good and decent person, it’s okay and healthy to be vulnerable, to reveal your thoughts and feelings. Not all the time, not with every move you make, but just to let them know what might be going on for you and how it might affect them.

Take it slowly. Really slowly.

When we meet someone we like, we tend to rush in. That feeling of “falling in love” is seductive, naturally we want more of it. But speed in love can be folly. People take time to show you all of who you are (and some people are very good at hiding it). So take it slowly in getting to know someone, watch who they are when under the pump and when they’re with people other than you. How do they interact in the world? Is it appealing? Ask yourself honestly if that’s who you want to be with — and remember that you have a choice from the beginning of the relationship until the very end.

There’s no blueprint for love — and that’s a good thing.

Plenty of people with difficult histories develop loving, lasting relationships, just as plenty of those who’ve had secure starts and experiences run into trouble. There’s no blueprint for love. Almost everyone feels a little insecure in love from time to time and that’s okay. From wherever you are things can change for the better and that’s a mantra worth holding onto.

Love’s supposed to be fun.

Perhaps being a therapist has skewed my view because I see so many people who’ve been wounded by love. It makes them tense and serious about getting into relationships; it’s almost like they’re bracing themselves for the horror show behind the curtain.

But loving someone is supposed to be fun, at least until it’s not. Even relationships that don’t last usually have a fun — if not joyful — side to them. You’re allowed to enjoy those. And if it’s not at all fun, if it’s more an exercise in tiptoeing and teeth-gritting, take note.

It might be time to scope out that exit door.

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