The Lost Art of Self-Confrontation
Empowering yourself to be amazing
What if your life were a story? A narrative with a beginning, a middle, and an end. What if it were possible to impact the outcome of your story? To alter the middle or change the ending? You can’t start the story over, but perhaps the personal experiences you had last week could redirect today. Or the social activities you engaged in today could create a different future.
I’m not talking about a crystal ball and I don’t have a magic wand. But I would like to introduce you to the lost art of self-confrontation.
As a nurse practitioner, I have the opportunity daily to point out to my patients how they can live healthier lives. I heard myself using phrases such as “you should stop _____” or “you should start _____” and I’d fill in the blank. Most people are expecting these statements from their health care providers but I sounded bossy, even when I added please.
It was time to self-confront. Something I hadn’t done in a while.
Self-confrontation is what makes it possible for us to grow and change so that tomorrow is better than today. It’s the key to prudently managing your inner self so your life is meaningful and your problems become life lessons instead of burdens.
If self-confrontation is so powerful and life-changing, why isn’t everyone doing it? Because to self-confront you have to be able to self-sooth, be honest with yourself,and be open to changing the story line.
Learn to Sooth the Inner Beast
If you’re anything like most humans, you’re happy when life and relationships are cycling permanently round and round inside the comfort zone. We prefer stability. We crave the bed of roses.
But that’s not real life. Before we know it, we’re irritated by life’s struggles and fear sets in. Bad news threatens our security and sense of self while inconvenience presses us with distress. When life happens — and it always does — all we think about is racing back to our comfort zone, gaining control, and finding balance.
What we should be thinking about (there I go again being dictatorial) is how to self-sooth. Self-soothing is the ability to be okay in the midst of the uncomfortable place you find yourself. Self-soothing is a piece of the self-confrontation pie because it’s a conversation between you and you alone.
Self-soothing is an important piece because you don’t want to miss this opportunity: when you’re outside the comfort zone, that’s when growth begins and new life chapters are started.
Self-soothing looks something like this:
- Stop. You may get caught up in the emotions of the uncomfortable moment and be unable to think clearly. It’s understandable. But all you have to do is stop. Step back, sit down, take a breath. Take several more. Distance yourself from the momentary discord by inhaling and exhaling.
- Acknowledge. Name the emotions and identify the circumstance as it is right now. Verbalize to yourself what’s happening and how you’re responding inside. Acknowledge that you’re going through a difficult time and that you’re feeling uncomfortable. Let the feelings ebb and flow, but don’t get caught up in them. That’s the nature of feelings, they’re fleeting. Your job is to notice them like butterflies floating by until they are finally out of sight.
- Respond. Tell yourself — with care and compassion — that your pain and clamoring deserve a response. That this moment in your story deserves attention. Recognize the voice inside, the words, and the tone you’re using with yourself. Respond with kindness, handling your fears and concerns with tenderness. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a child or a best friend.
My self-conversation went like this, “Your ‘help’ sounds bossy and off-putting. What’s making you say things this way? What’s going on inside, girlfriend?”
Now that we’ve soothed the inner beast and faced jarring moments by stopping, acknowledging, and responding, we’ve created the space to be authentic.
Challenge Yourself with Honesty
As you go through the skirmishes of life you may have the urge to ignore your biggest fears and deepest worries or push away the areas inside of you that aren’t very becoming. I know I do.
This tendency to ignore certain internal elements may be strong because it threatens your sense of safety and well-being. When the huge stuff arises inside, we don’t have to be scared. Instead, we can be our own best friend. Believe it or not, inside ourselves is the safest place on earth to acknowledge, name, and handle these distraught feelings.
It is possible to see sensations inside of you as they really are and for them to be no more and no less than what they actually are. Honesty is a piece of self-confrontation because it allows you to take the melancholy inside — that you identified while self-soothing — and not blow it out of proportion.
Honesty allows you to maintain a sensible perspective on what’s happening. It’s ordering your response to the current situation with compassion and care while avoiding extremes and hysteria.
Honesty with yourself looks something like this:
- Lay it on the line. Be straight-forward with yourself and refuse to over-analyze. It’s okay if it’s bad, let it be bad. It’s okay if it’s scary, let it be scary. Call a spade a spade and, whatever you do, fight the urge to make this into something more or less than it is. If what you’re seeing is that anger has been a major theme in your life, then let it be anger. Don’t brand yourself a failure and make more out of it than it is. If you see arrogance inside, let it be arrogance. Don’t try to diminish what it is to make yourself feel better by calling it modesty or humility.
- Admit your involvement. If you refuse to admit your mistakes, you’re doomed to go on making them. Perhaps you made a mistake or did something that hurt someone. Maybe you disappointed yourself or fell short of a goal. Admitting a wrong-doing can be uncomfortable. For some people they would rather get angry or fly the flag of defensiveness instead of confronting themselves with the truth. Remember, this is your life! You’re the main character and you’re responsible for the story line, mistakes and all. It’s time to point the finger at yourself. I promise you’ll be okay. And if you learn from it, you’ll be more than okay . . . you’ll be better.
- Strip the good from the bad. Believe it or not, there is both good and bad in this moment of realization. Refuse to let your feelings dictate that the whole situation is dark and dire. Be honest with yourself while separating the two sides. Just because you made a mistake, felt angry, or hit the wall, doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. A mistake means you tried and you have more to learn. If you’ve identified bad attitudes or limited thinking inside, it means you have growing to do. Separate the behaviors you despise from the intentions that drive you. Snip apart those selfish motives from your true nature.
My honest challenge sounded like this, “I think what’s making me say curt and abrupt comments is that I think like a checklist. I get caught up in what needs to be done and my default mode is “do this, do that” to fix it. I spew out orders and sprout commands before I realize what I’m saying. I’m busy paying attention to my “I have to share this information with the patient” list instead of paying attention to the patient. But what I also know about myself is that I want the best for my patients. I want them to have this information because it will help them but I know I can do better.”
Now that we’ve self-soothed through the turbulence and been honest about what we’ve found inside ourselves, it’s time to take this information and use it to make tomorrow better than today. This is tough but stick with me, friend.
Be Open to Changing Your Story
Up to this point, learning the art of self-confrontation has been demanding but manageable. Naming and accepting the truth about your feelings, grounding yourself in honesty, and calling yourself out with soothing compassion has surely caused a frenzy inside that’s allowing you to live in a whole new way. Now comes the final piece of self-confrontation: welcoming the superior you into your story.
Here’s what it might look like:
- Provide feedback. To change you have to identify what needs changing. Remember the work you did being honest with yourself? Now’s the time to pull it out. This honesty is your feedback. It isn’t criticism and it’s not excuses. Feedback is information you use to point the finger at what needs fixing. Feedback, even from ourselves, can be uncomfortable but remember — it’s just information, so don’t shy away. Listen to the honest part of yourself and embrace how you can improve, grow, and redirect the story of your life.
- Discover the unexplored. Every story has at least a million possible endings. What are your possible endings? Using the honest feedback you gave yourself, go ahead and explore alternate routes. Remember the theme of anger we found earlier? Now’s the time to go back to the difficult situation where you had to self-sooth, the one where anger got the best of you. Because there are no emotions attached anymore, it’s safe to rethink your thoughts and remap your reactions. What could you do differently next time? What thoughts and words are needed for you to respond in a preferred manner when a similar circumstance pops up?
- Make a choice. Pick one area of honest feedback from your resulting discoveries and implement it. Execute the choice without blame, accusations, or strings attached. You’re not a washout but you’re not pretending either. Find your center, your truth about the changes you need and want to see in yourself. Then reach toward the increase and possess the expansion of your soul. It’s okay to expect more from yourself than you have in the past. You need to set expectations that are beyond just obtainable. You’ll be amazed at what you’re capable of doing.
Opening myself up to changing my story sounded like this, “Joolz, you need to work on things here. The bossy tone and the checklist comments have to go. What can you do differently? Do you think you can be more mindful about what you’re saying? Can you pay attention to the person who’s in front of you instead of the list of things they need to do? Do you think you can come up with a kinder, more compassionate way to communicate? Of course you can!”
Make Self-Confrontation an Art
Being human can be unpredictable. That’s okay.
The way it works is that we don’t have to live in the unpredictable zone all the time any more than we get to live in the comfort zone all the time. Life is meant to be a sequence of growing and resting, stretching and relaxing.
The art of self-confrontation develops during the growing times but is integrated into our lives during the resting times. When we’re willing to be honest with ourselves, able to comfort ourselves in the difficult times, and open to challenging the story line of our lives there is growth. When we grow and change it means tomorrow will be better than today. When we see life from a fresh perspective of alternate endings and new choices, we respond better in similar circumstances.
Mastering the art of self-confrontation allows us to discover that the story of our lives are not set in stone. We are able to lie quietly with anxiety and find connection with ourselves. It becomes possible to admit we were wrong and remain whole and complete as a person because we are so much more than our mistakes. Suddenly there is growth and excitement because we can safely challenge our past selves in order to empower our future selves.
During a time of self-reflection, I created a list of different ways to say things like “stop smoking” or “start exercising.” I take that list into the clinic room with me as a reminder to be mindful about how I approach my patients. It serves as a visual aid of how to say these things in an open, honest, and compassionate way. Even though I’m using what is essentially a crutch (but that’s okay!), it’s more authentic than my old commanding approach ever was.
I haven’t mastered the art of self-confrontation yet, but I’m on my way. And I’m so grateful that a huge part of being human is the potential for growth and change we hold inside.