The Long Way to One Silent Goodbye

Unsent letters

The wake can’t drive the boat. It’s just the trail left behind. It can’t make the boat go forward, any more than the trail you’ve left behind in your life is responsible for where you’re going now. The belief that whatever you’ve been is what you have to be is a meme — a mind virus.

Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I know I have to stop thinking of you. I lost you. All remained in the past. All between us had run away.

I remember Heraclitus’s metaphor of a flowing river, which we cannot step into twice.

This way, we cannot turn back something that has gone, no matter how we think of it, no matter the memories. The memories. I do not want to erase them, although they grow in my soul with severe sadness.

I must accept the reality. I have to understand the magic has gone and look my way ahead. But I cannot forget you because I meet you almost every day, and all starts again with a new beginning. We see each other and talk about ordinary things. I look at your smile and your eyes, I hear your voice, and all my feelings turn back, intense and overwhelming.

We had given no promises. The only thing I want is to clear our relationship. I have so many words to tell you. But the right time never comes. And the correct words, too. I order them in my head. I meet you, and I do not dare to tell them. The right words stay stuck in my mind and do not want to be said.

We were so close to each other. Our hearts and souls were close. But something happened, and this life snatched us up, and all between us disappeared as if it had never happened. We never said goodbye. Our relationship had been frozen in the past, and after that followed… darkness. Yes, we talked sometimes—little ordinary words with no meaning inside. The only thing they did was to make the silence between us more bearable. Was it? Hardly. Sometimes I thought silence was a better choice. Better than those blank words.

It was time I could tell you everything. You said it was the same with you. And now?

I don’t imagine what is going on.

I look at my smartphone because I used to do it for so long — waiting for your messages and calls, but you call me rarely. Now the calls are so short that we say a few words about our everyday lives and, after that — finish.

We simply fill the silence with these meaningless phrases.

Where has gone the man I trusted?

I guess. Reality leads. You chose your path, and I am not on it. I don’t have any place in it. I was like a ghost existing somewhere in the dusk between reality and dreams, between desire and imagination. I was coming true if you wanted me. If you were in need. If you looked for me. If I was not necessary, I just disappeared. I was a ghost fed with your imagination and your frustration.

Now I am again in the shades.

Sometimes you pull me out of them because of strange scruples or even stranger courtesy. Maybe you feel sorry, or you have doubts. I suppose, your memories come to your mind, too. You also feel guilty. But I do not need your mercy. It is humiliating to wait for somebody to remember that you exist. I need to rescue. To save myself from you. I don’t want to stay in the shades. I don’t want to dream with open eyes. It kills me. I am like an addicted person to abstinence. You keep me dependent on your presence, giving me little doses of it, and I cannot overcome you!

How it all started?

It was so strange. You were in a deep cave of solitude and did not know how to exit. I chanced to be there and to be like a guiding light for you. We shared thoughts and helped you to keep the fire of life in your eyes because the cave of your solitude was like a spindle. If you let yourself go down, you cannot come back up. Reaching the Hell you would have the chance to talk to the Devil. But he does not give free interviews! How to pay? With your soul.

So I did help you! Why did I mess with this? Maybe because there is darkness in everyone. So we travelled along the long way up. It was tough. It was a thorny path. But it was a bit easier because we were together. And we chose the right direction.

The spindle of the darkness came to its end. We saw the daylight.

We ran, holding our hands. I felt your strength, your sweet breath, and I was sure it was the most beautiful running in my life. I knew you were next to me. I trusted you. I was sure you wouldn’t hurt me.

We promised nothing. We just had escaped the darkness of the abyss.

But after that…

We all know nothing is forever. Everything has its end.

You just disappeared. I had memories of our long journey. How long had it been? Who knows? Journeys of the mind and heart have no simple measure. We cannot count the minutes of love.

I stayed there over a lonely cliff and let my tears go… Like Orpheus cried for Eurydice. He hadn’t chanced to free her from Hades. She stood forever in the Underworld.

Do you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice?

Orpheus joined the expedition of the Argonauts, saving them from the music of the Sirens by playing his own, more powerful music. On his return, he married Eurydice, who was soon killed by a snakebite. Overcome with grief, Orpheus ventured himself to the land of the dead to attempt to bring Eurydice back to life.

I hope you were safe. You were out in the daylight.

I should stop thinking of you. Silence would cure me. It was the best medicine for my soul.

It was time to say goodbye.

Thank you for reading my story. I hope you like it.

If you want to see more of my stories — you’re welcome: