The Long Game: Love, Loss, and Choices that Define Us

Time is fair to everyone, but people aren’t. After many years of being together, he might easily move on, but for her, it may mean more than just a broken relationship: even in this modern society, an old maiden’s stigma is still very much alive.

A happy life. Fulfilling and content — professional growth, fantasy books (and occasional murder mysteries!.) and scribbles here and there, when I feel like it. Relationship-wise — I’m happy where I am and can’t be bothered to think too much about it.

…Or it might just be one of those benefits one attains after moving abroad — my family is oceans away, too far to be concerned about the intricacies of dating apps, ticking clocks… and all that jazz.

I suppose I’m living my Millennial dream.

But many of my friends on the other side of the pond have very different experiences. Stories of bruised dignity, broken hearts, deceit and shattered homes constantly flow through my WhatsApp and Discord feeds. Most of them, unsurprisingly, from women.

***

Many years ago, when we were still in our prime (ok, maybe not that long ago, but seems as if many waters passed from those days), I remember one of my classmates facing a conundrum: the mother was pressuring him to marry his girlfriend.

Now, to understand this panorama better, let me contextualise the situation.

No, they were not expecting a baby. And there were no religious concerns — both families were relatively modern and open-minded about twenty-somethings having a serious relationship, living together and so on.

The matter lay elsewhere.

Let me use his usual nickname — Mitochondria. As one could easily tell, he had a knack for biomedical sciences. No wonder Mitochondria cracked biochemistry in university and went on to complete his Master’s in bioengineering afterwards.

As far as I could remember, he was one of those knowledge-greedy people who would ask more questions than professors (or his superiors at work) had answers to.

Little surprise there: a Master’s degree was not enough.

*

Geography is such an interesting thing — where we live can determine how much we will pay for certain goods and services. Not only that, it can simply make a difference in having access to said goods — or not.

And guess what — in this case, geography was to blame!..

Mitochondria dreamed of his doctoral career, yet there were little to no opportunities in the country we grew up in (I’m sure, many years later — now — the situation is different?.. I would like to believe it is).

Naturally, Mitochondria did his research and applied to doctoral studies abroad — Sweden, Denmark, Netherlands, Belgium… He had quite a few universities on his list.

His partner — let’s call her Daisy — was extremely supportive of this new adventure: they had been together for a couple of years already, sharing a small apartment throughout their Master’s studies (she completed her literature degree at the same time Mitochondria became a bioengineer) and working hard to support each other in their dreams and professional aspirations.

Come spring et voila — Mitochondria was extended a doctoral position at one of the best universities in Denmark. Scholarship included!!!

Excitement, happiness…

Great things ahead.

Mitochondria could barely wait!..

He already envisioned himself waltzing through the streets of Copenhagen, learning a new language, and meeting incredible scientists from — hopefully — all around the world.

Rushing through the documents and looking at relocation costs, Mitochondria was utterly consumed with planning his luggage and logistics. Four exciting years following his dream!..

Brimming with joy he could barely register Daisy’s worries:

What about the shared apartment (Can I afford to rent it on my own? — she wondered).

What about the dog (I always wanted a cat, but agreed to adopt a dog because that’s what he wanted ,— thoughts ran through her mind).

And what about this relationship (He did not ask me if I wanted / or felt okay to move abroad, — she thought. He didn’t ask about my opinions before applying to any of these positions either, — slight panic was entering her mind. He did not say anything about me, this relationship or the long distance whatsoever, — fear finally won her over).

Here. Now.

This is how many long-term relationships come to an end.

*

After several years of being together, a chance (hopefully, not another person) comes along.

And people take it.

Little to no consideration towards the other person — after all, we’re chasing a dream!..

It’s something… bigger than us.

It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

When we’re instigating this change, of course, the benefits are obvious — a leap of faith for a massive gain.

Career growth.

Promotion.

Dream country…

…You name it.

And sometimes we might be open and honest about our intentions —

I have a huge dream of living in Singapore and working in a massive conglomerate as X, Y or Z. I would move anywhere in the world and would agree to a variety of conditions if it eventually got me to that particular point I dream of.

It’s pretty flat honest, don’t you think?

The message is clear: if you’re still considering getting into a relationship with me, please be kindly advised that this is who and how I am.

Take it or leave it — it’s all on the table.

*

But Mitochondria didn’t have this kind of an open policy.

As your typical researcher or scientist would have it, he was — and still very much is — a guy who works with numbers, formulae and difficult concepts, as well as statistics, graphs and God-knows-what kind of predictive/simulation tools.

Dare to say, empathy — or humans and their emotions, for that matter — completely fall out of his scope.

No expertise — not even common sense at all.

So, whilst Daisy was dealing with havoc emotions about a relationship — was it still a relationship? — and my dear friend eagerly packed his bags for Denmark — contemplating the idea of staying there for postdoctoral research and envisioning a whole life hundreds, if not thousands of kilometres away, a wise mother came along.

*

As I’m getting older, I’m convinced: every woman out there needs a mother like that.

No, not hers.

His.

Every young woman needs that (potential) mother-in-law.

That incredibly smart creature understood the fears of a young woman, frightened to voice out her concerns. Daisy is one of those overly supportive and understanding characters — comfortable and awfully convenient, yet easy to cast aside.

Oftentimes, people get comfortable with good things and convenient life, forgetting that someone might be pulling the strings in the background, ensuring smooth sailing.

No one appreciates a tidy house or a warm dinner, but we’re awfully quick to notice a pile of unfolded laundry.

Daisy was — still is — one of those string pullers: quiet and calm, making sure the coast is clear and the ship of their life is sailing comfortably. But Mitochondria failed to notice it.

Or appreciate it, even.

For him, it was simply there — for two whole years, at that.

*

The maths are rather easy: we finish our undergraduate degree sometime around twenty-one or twenty-two. We get our first entry job and work for a bit in the industry — only to realise a glass ceiling hanging above and an inevitable need for professional growth (and credentials) if we anticipated significant opportunities and financial rewards.

By the time we are done with our postgraduate, we’re most likely somewhere between twenty-five, and maybe twenty-seven, depending on the situation.

Being in a relationship for a couple of years and living together — well, at that age it’s quite something. It’s not puppy love and it’s not an undefined (“it’s complicated”) type of relationship.

No, we’re being serious. We’re building something. Or, at least, hope to?..

Boom!

An invitation for doctoral studies!

Abroad.

Abroad and far away…

Four years?..

Possibility of a postdoctoral position!?

A year or two more…

Potentially — six years…

Ka-ching!

*

Every young woman needs a mother-in-law like that. This woman grabbed her overjoyed son, sat him down and laid it out in the open: The years are passing, the girl is not getting any younger, you’ve been together for over two years, known each other for five or more. It’s one of those decisive moments in life:

Are you happy with your relationship? Do you see a future together?

It’s alright to not know, it’s alright to be confused.

But this is the time when you need to make up your mind: whatever happens, either you let her go, or you go through it together.

Mitochondria is not the sharpest tool in the shed and when it comes to relationships and personal interactions, he can be ridiculously clueless. Eventually, the ever-so-patient mother had to spell it out: you need to marry your girlfriend.

*

They say wisdom comes with experience and age — and it can’t be more true. Our late twenty-something selves gaped at his mother in sheer disbelief: marriage? NOW?

That shocking and that radical we found it.

Maybe it’s because both me and my friend were always career-driven, not too concerned about relationships or…creating a family. That’s for grown-ups, serious people — those were our thoughts.

And as funny as it may sound, I believe it’s one of those typical Millennial things.

Well, fast forward to our thirties and a whole new collage unravelled — broken relationships, years spent in vain, futures that never happened…and stigmas that haunt single/unmarried/never-married women.

*

Our generation — and the ones after us — have it easy in comparison to the ones before. But the stigma is very much alive — thirty-five and having never been married doesn’t sell well.

It’s as if something is broken — a label, saying “this woman is damaged goods”, “something is wrong with her”…

Psychotic?

Hysteric?

Married to her job?

Doesn’t know what she wants?

Too picky?

And many others…

Mitochondria’s mother is one hell of a creature — she saw the future of a young woman, potentially holding onto this relationship but eventually having to let go — financial burdens, long-distance struggles…

The older woman was also very well versed in her son’s emotional capabilities (or more — the lack thereof) and his (in)capacity to maintain a long-distance relationship, reassure his partner and… make it work.

His mother predicted a year or two of endurance — and two people swiftly separating to go their ways.

Mitochondria — happily continuing his career, getting a Doctorate and climbing to the Everest of his dreams.

Daisy — hitting her thirties with a broken heart and emotional damage, having invested the best years of her youth into a relationship that didn’t materialise no matter how hard she worked and supported her partner.

A clearly painful dissonance:

• A successful, well-educated and strongly established professional. A strong man.
• But a woman struggling to get back out there after four or five years with one person. A woman eventually subjected to the hateful stigma of an old maiden.

It may sound funny, but some cultures successfully shed this belief — thirties and never-been-married don’t mean much if you’re in the West. Many Millenials not only make it work — they rock it!..

Living the dream, fighting for goals and aspirations, being their best self — that’s what it’s all about.

But as we already said, geography is such an interesting — and important! — thing. It can make all the difference between being your cool Millennial self or becoming an old unwanted hag.

And not only it will be culturally acceptable, but your own parents will scrutinise and force you to conform to societal norms — stop messing around, become a serious person, and get married already.

*

It’s been years since Mitochondria married Daisy. He attained his doctorate degree, completed a few postdocs and went on to become an incredibly successful researcher.

She didn’t want to jump the gun and move to Denmark straight away. She wanted to make sure: he was happy with his field of study, opportunities were abundant and he saw a long-term vision in the new country.

Whilst he tested the waters, Daisy didn’t sit still — she went on to achieve her professional goals and milestones, building a successful international career and hoping to transition it into something sustainable — wherever they would decide to go in the future.

Distance was harsh and finances were scarce, but the couple was honest and clear in their communication.

They established mutual goals and mapped out a future.

This time — together.

Mitochondria and Daisy have been married for quite a while now, they live in Denmark and have two kids. They are both successful and content not only in their careers but also in their professional lives.

Needless to say: it could have been a different story.

If not for the mother-in-law…

*

Mitochondria and Daisies brush shoulders with us daily. We pass one another on the street, and might even nod in a silent greeting when entering the office building in the mornings.

Many ambitious Mitochondria and strong quiet Daisies never met — and never will. And many more — don’t even know they are such.

But maybe You who were reading could recognise but a small particle of yourself — or someone you know.

And maybe — just maybe — this little scribble might just give you a different perspective.

A seed of self-awareness.

A need for clarity and a nudge towards meaningful conversations.

***

My scribbles dive into a variety of topics. The thread of thought can be unpredictable — inspired by places, people, experiences or the occasional earworm on the playlist…

I often weave my cloth of writing unsure where the threads will lead — or if the final tapestry will hold.

Yet whether I scribble fantasy or horror, highly opinionated or research-driven pieces, I hope it leaves you with something to ponder: makes you feel better (or worse?..), strikes an inner monologue (hopefully, voiced out in the comments!) or simply gives you something to chew on, inspiring to keep the creative ball rolling.

Thank you for reading!