VIRAL NOIR

The Lifeguard Did It With the Kissy Face

Sexpot becomes persona non grata

Smooch and Leaves Sally was no ordinary dame. She had legs up to her nostrils and a mouth that could suck every seed out of a pomegranate. Unfortunately, the worldwide pandemic was cramping her style.

Mike, the Lifeguard, had given Sally the COVID in the cabana, under the blue moon, near the kiddy pool. Now, Sally was sexpota non grata.

Nobody, not even Desperate Danny, wanted to get within six feet of her. The only friend who came within an inch of her phlegmy aerosol was her QANON recruiter, Ms. Marjorie Taylor Greene.

“That’s what happens when you hang with liberal democrats,” Ms. Marjorie Taylor Greene told her. “You start believing in democracy and science. It’s all knowledge and open-mindedness from there, you dumb fucker.”

Sally met Ms. Marjorie Taylor Green at a support group for blonds whose roots kept showing. Sally didn’t particularly like her but they shared a colorist who kept their natural color and origin of birth a secret.

As a lifetime smoker, men had always told Sally her raspy voice and cough were sexier than a chain saw razing a thousand-year-old forest, but when she coughed now, Sally could clear a room in under a nickel.

Except for Ms. Marjorie Taylor Greene who sat beside her barstool holding up a bedazzled cross and screaming, “Admit stupidity as your savior and you shall be free.”

Sally missed the days of the common cold when she didn’t have to hide her Lancôme cherry lacquer lips beneath a surgical mask. She had to redo her entire wardrobe to create a mask-compatible look.

Now that she was walking around in scrubs everyone was asking her for free elective surgery since the hospitals were being sent to Mars to make room for the next variant.

Sure, Sally’s removed some fat from jiggly asses and cut and pasted a few new salty breasts on, but she puts her Manolo Blahniks down at colonoscopies. A girl’s gotta know where the line is.

One day, Sally’ll be rid of the Rona, but she’ll never be rid of Ms. Marjorie Taylor Greene. Some viruses don’t know when to leave a room even when the world has turned on the fire alarms and are offering a window EXIT.