ESSAY
The Life Lessons of Chronic Illness — Pain will Teach You
Living with chronic pain and illness has taught me valuable lessons
I’m vegging out on Grey’s Anatomy. I sit on the bed most days. Then I sleep in the bed. Then sit on it again. It sounds pretty awful — or maybe like the perfect vacation for some — but it’s neither really. It just is what is.
When the nerve pain gets too much, this is what it comes to. Fighting against it is futile. I simply reduce away the activities I am unable to do until I feel better. Right now, that’s nearly everything but propping my back and neck with all the pillows I can and the big fat teddy bear my son gave me for Mother’s Day.
(In case you are wondering — no, I am not depressed.)
But, I am learning. You see, life has a way of teaching you lessons. Sometimes the methods can really suck, but if you are open in pretty much any circumstance there are beautiful lessons to be had and changes to your spirit that can’t be done otherwise. Some people call these “God moments” or “looking for the silver lining.”
I don’t care what you call it but for the past three years I have been a very attentive student.
What I’ve learned while on chronic pain ‘isolation’
Letting go isn’t so bad
I’ve always been a very controlling person with OCD tendencies. It’s wreaked havoc on my mental health and my relationships. But if I tried to continue controlling while my health is assuming the power in my life, I’d be in for a lot of frustration and bitter disappointment.
I have no control over this health thing. At least, not at the moment. I am learning to let go — and that it isn’t too bad. You’d be surprised at the things you choose to let go when the stakes of your health assume priority. You’d be surprised by the things that no longer matter all that much — things you used to be so involved in or a part of.
Life is reduced to making the most of your situation, and truthfully — that is a gift more than a curse.
Fair-weather relationships really aren’t all that important
You learn very quickly who is really there for you. If you have chronic pain or chronic illness, chances are not everyone even believed you in the beginning and your credibility is called into question. People may think you are lazy or antisocial.
The more you embrace your own personal health and needs and care for yourself, the less these people will matter on the day to day of your life. Many friends will fall by the wayside — but some will stick with you. They will love you anyway. They will check on you and ask what they can do. These people are treasures.
Quiet time to focus on self can be very healing — in more ways than one
Chronic illness, chronic pain, an injury etc. are all isolating things. No one can really understand what you are going through except other people who have been in your shoes. You learn a lot about yourself in that isolation.
The quiet time can be overwhelming — or you can use it. Focus on those parts of yourself that get rushed through life and the cracks and crevices that just get quick patches. You now have the time to do some personal work to heal your body, your mind, your emotions, your spiritual life.
It can be a great time for healing and growth. If you approach it from this perspective, as an opportunity, then the loss of “control” is much easier to bear.
Handling guilt builds strength of character
There’s a lot of guilt associated with chronic illness. You can’t be there for your kids or family members like you want to. You have to say no to a lot of engagements. You don’t show up. You become a world of “excuses” and “I can’t”s.
Guilt is a funny thing. The more of it you have — the more of it you get.
Deciding to make peace with your situation, dealing wisely with guilt, is a craft, an art. It takes practice but the better you get at it the more free you are in spirit. This freedom, this unburdening, is character building, to say the least.
Sometimes life removes things from you forcing you to ‘recalculate’ — and that’s ok
The more things you “can’t do’ anymore, the more you realize what truly matters in your life. Sure, you can’t go roller skating like you used to or take the trips you want to take — but this is a time for digging deep and finding talents you maybe never knew you had.
When I first began to have medical issues I lost my career. I’d been a hairdresser for 16 years and struggled with nerve problems and pain through it all. I eventually went to college, knowing my career was ending. By the time I graduated and went to work, I sealed the medical deal with a wreck on the interstate. The chronic pain and fibromyalgia, neck issues, and nerve problems are now more than any career could bear. I became more “excuses” than any job would tolerate.
Which led me to my writing. It led me back to poetry. These are things I can do on even my worst days.
Pain led me to my purpose. It is ok to recalculate your life. Go in a new direction. Sometimes the “problem” helps you find yourself and your own gifts.
Speaking your truth can help you be more honest with people
When you begin speaking of your issues, some people may call you a broken record. They become immune to your “complaining.”
But you get better at it. The complaining becomes honesty. That honesty helps you tap into your own truth.
Speaking your own truth leads to authentic life.
Life is too short to face it with a bad attitude
Chronic illness teaches you real quickly to appreciate all that you have in life. Especially all you are able to experience and do.
It also teaches you that having a positive attitude can turn a sucky day into a tolerable one.
Pain will challenge your self-esteem and sense of purpose
It is really hard to feel good about yourself when you have to ask for help — a lot. It’s hard to look in the mirror and see the fierce woman you used to be when putting on your mascara is a challenge.
Sometimes you feel the world is spinning on around you and you are just there, stationary, useless.
So whatever shallow sense of self you have — it will be challenged. You learn to dig deep for purpose. To look for the ways you contribute to society, to your family and relationships. You learn your own value is so much more than what you do or can’t do.
Pain teaches you empathy
Let’s not sugarcoat this too much in silver linings — some days you just want to throat punch anyone that tells you to be positive. You can’t take another moment of pain or boredom or isolation. But as miserable as it is, as it can be, you figure out a strange thing in suffering.
You begin seeing other people who are suffering and you feel what they are going through. You see them. You develop a deep sense of empathy for what others are going through and you try not to “compare suffering.”
It may be imperfect, but you try. Empathy — I think — is a truly human response. I think it makes you a better person with a greater capacity for love, both for yourself and others.
I am sure some of you have eye-rolled all the way through this. I understand. If it feels all “toxic positivity,” maybe. But I hope you understand I do not devalue your pain. I have had more tough pain days than I can count. I am sick of Netflix. I am about to move my family to a new house and I can’t even pack a box right now. I’m not trying to wash over your suffering with a silver paintbrush.
I assure you — your suffering matters. Because YOU matter. Keep strong.
Here is a poem — and a wish — for you.
Christina M. Ward is a poet and writer from North Carolina. Her work has been featured in several anthologies and journals such as Cameo literary magazine, the Arrowhead literary magazine, Vita Brevis Poetry Magazine, Scarlet Leaf Review, The Frightened Traveler, and in Wolff Poetry Literary Magazine. Her first poetry collection organic has reached best-seller status in 3 categories on Amazon. Thank you for reading and supporting her work.
