The Life-Changing Magic of Becoming More Vulnerable

Emotional confessions from a man.

Some months ago I took a train ride back home and visited my family for a couple of days. It was a great time and my mom was especially happy since apparently I “never come around to visit”.

We decided to take a whole afternoon off and go for a walk, a coffee and some delicious strawberry cake at a beautiful castle about an hour’s drive from where she lives. It was a wonderful day and we were having deep conversations — the kind of talks you can only have when you are alone with a person you are comfortable with and have known for a long time.

I don’t believe in that kind of comparison, so I won’t go as far as to say that I have the best mom in the world, but I could not imagine having a better relationship with her. She has never let me down, no matter how much I messed up (and let me tell you, I have had 26 years in which to mess up and I have made use of them).

She tells me she loves me every time we talk. Although she likes to give her opinion and I ask for it more often than not, she lets me do my thing. She trusts me with her feelings and what’s going on in her head.

She is the one person I know I can always count on, no matter what. There is something about the way a mother loves you that isn’t comparable to anything else.

When we had finished our cake, we stayed for a while and talked. About her relationship, about my past relationships, about the weather, about the world, about people, about anything.

Then, when I was least expecting it, she dropped it onto me:

“Moreno, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

She said it sincerely but casually, with the same implicitness she had when talking about how the weather had been great during the last two weeks.

I sat there, not knowing how to respond. No, that’s not true. I knew how to respond. The problem was that I couldn’t. I wanted to tell her how much that meant to me. I wanted to thank her for being there for me when I fucked up and never letting me down. I wanted to tell her that I appreciate her and her nurturing so much. I wanted to tell her that I love her.

But I wasn’t able to. I was too afraid of making myself vulnerable, of appearing as weak in front of my own mom. How weird is that?

Do you know what I managed to say? “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

Wow.

I’m a buff dude, about 1.90m tall and 92kgs on the scales, shredded and ripped. I sleep in the wilderness without a tent, don’t know when I last cried, have no problems speaking in front of a couple of hundred people and deadlift 200kgs for fun. I consider myself a pretty strong guy by all means.

My mom is skinny, almost frail and got picked on in high school because she was the nerdy girl who was afraid to jump from a small diving board.

But at this moment, she was an incredibly strong Hulk and I was a very weak Bruce Banner.

Vulnerability ≠ Weakness

So why couldn’t I just open my mouth and say the words that were on the tip of my tongue? There was no rational explanation for me feeling weak from opening up. This was my mom after all. This was the one person who had never let me down. I had absolutely zero reasons to expect any negative reaction — quite the contrary actually.

And still, I couldn’t step forward and say what I wanted to.

I had fallen victim to a myth a lot of people — especially men! — have fallen victim to.

Brené Brown, a five-time #1 New York Times bestselling author and research professor at the University of Houston, spent her life studying and researching courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Her TED talk about vulnerability is in the top five most viewed TED talks of all time. If anyone knows about the subject of vulnerability, it’s her.

As she put it,

‘The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myths about vulnerability and the most dangerous.’

Our society perceives vulnerability as weak. This is a huge problem in general, but especially for men. Why? Because as a man, one of the worst things that can happen to you is to be perceived as weak.

Why Men Do Stupid Things

If men are perceived as weak, they feel ashamed. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brown asked men to define shame. Here are some of the answers:

‘Shame happens when people think you’re soft. It’s degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough.’ ‘Revealing any weakness is shaming. Basically, shame is weakness.’

You don’t have to read a whole book on vulnerability to come to the following conclusion:

‘Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.’ — Brené Brown

I am a man. And I can assure you that men will bend over backwards in order not to be perceived as weak. It gets ingrained into our heads while we grow up. Don’t cry when you scrape your knee. “Man up!” when you hurt because you fell in love with someone who didn’t love you back. Don’t ask for help because you are supposed to be able to do it alone.

I don’t even want to know how many bar fights started because one of the guys was afraid of appearing weak if he didn’t smash the other one’s skull in.

A friend of mine once did a handstand on a barbecue crate while the coals were still glowing — simply because someone called him a pussy for not doing it. He was young and dumb — but the scars were still there when he was older and wiser.

If you are pretending to be a tough and strong man all the time and avoid appearing weak like the plague, there is no room for emotions, feelings and vulnerability. While this seems to work like a charm on the surface (no emotional drama after all), it comes with a hidden cost.

You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that stuffing down your emotions, your fears, your worries and all these things for years will mess you up. For those in need of empirical evidence, this meta-analysis of 78 studies showed that

“Individuals who conformed strongly to masculine norms tended to have poorer mental health and less favorable attitudes toward seeking psychological help”.

The fear of being perceived as vulnerable and therefore weak does not only affect our emotional health but also our relationships, our businesses, our lives and the lives of people around us.

Vulnerability is the Key to Unlocking a Fulfilled Life

New York Times bestseller author Lewis Howes has a very popular podcast where he interviews people such as Tony Robbins, Alanis Morisette and Scooter Braun. Based on these talks, he has to say the following about men and vulnerability:

‘I have spoken to many successful entrepreneurs, athletes, inventors, designers, and writers… In fact, when we discussed their mistakes and darkest periods, inevitably what came up were regrets about selfishness, ego, aggressiveness, and a refusal to listen to the feedback from the world around them — all of it driven by a fear of vulnerability. ’— Lewis Howes

The funny thing is that while vulnerability is perceived as weak, undesirable and detrimental to your success in life, it is actually quite the opposite.

Brene Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure and whether or not you agree with this exact definition, one thing should become clear: Vulnerability is strength and courage.

Vulnerability is putting yourself out there not knowing what is going to happen. Whether it is being open about your feelings, admitting that you are not omniscient or owning up to your mistakes — all this requires strength and courage and has got nothing to do with being weak.

So if you want to be a strong person (and be perceived as such!) then you have to muster the courage and strength to make yourself vulnerable.

It is crucial for your own emotional health as well as for your success within your personal and professional relationships.

‘The obvious irony is that from a place of vulnerability, many new ways of existing in the world open up: honesty, compassion, acting for the good of others and without ego, and the ability to heal from one’s own wounds.’— Lewis Howes

Vulnerability is one of the basics for connection — because loving and honest conversations require vulnerability.

If you want to live a fulfilled life, if you want to be emotionally healthy, if you want to have success in your relationships and in your business life, and, most important, if you want to show true strength — make yourself vulnerable.

It is Scary, But Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

I know this all sounds scary, especially for my fellow men.

‘Showing feelings? Telling someone I fucked up and I’m miserable? Admitting that I need help? Yeah, right. ’— Any man

I don’t blame you. In fact, I understand you, because I was in the exact same situation. During a two year relationship with my ex-girlfriend I not once told her when I felt bad, although we touched upon the subject multiple times and she was a very loving and understanding woman.

I knew that she tried to get closer to me and was actually concerned about my well-being. But for two years, I pretended to be as unshakable as a rock and as emotionally cold as a well-digger’s ass in January. Because that’s what a strong alpha man is, right?

It messed up the relationship and it messed up me, too. I suppressed all negative feelings because I thought I was not allowed to feel them. The problem with feelings and vulnerability is that you can’t suppress them selectively. You can’t just feel the good shit and ignore the rest.

If you suppress negative feelings and vulnerability, you will soon feel nothing at all. You will become an empty shell, consumed by your suppressed emotions. And from someone who has been there — this is not a life you want to live, like, ever.

Luckily, I managed to step out of this life. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I let down my walls and let other people see the real me hiding behind them.

The effects were tremendous. I was feeling again. I was enjoying life without holding myself and my emotions back. My relationships improved, my happiness and satisfaction went through the roof. I felt like I had finally found peace within myself.

People who I had known for years came up to me asking what made me glow up. My world felt like you took a greyish black & white photo and filled it with bright, vibrant colours.

‘Vulnerability is at the core of all feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable.’— Brené Brown

The moment you allow yourself to be vulnerable and to feel is the moment in which you win at life.

This is why vulnerability is so important. This is why you have to stop pretending you’re the shit all the time and nothing can touch you. This is why you have to take emotional risks and face the possibility of being hurt.

To finally be yourself. To work through your suppressed emotions and feel again. To open yourself up to new relationships. To be able to fully experience what life has to offer and how amazing it is. To live with meaning and fulfilment.

And to maybe, one day, grow the emotional balls to be able to tell your mom that you love her.

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