The Life-Changing Liberation of Releasing Toxic Friendships

And the stale ones as well

There are billions of people in this world, so it follows there are people out there you could have a fantastic friendship with that you have not yet met. So why do we keep our time booked up with friendships past their sell-by date?

Until around 10 years ago, I believed, for some reason, you should stay loyal and connected with people you had been friends with since you were young…. even when it is glaringly obvious you would not be friends with them if you met them now. I’m not entirely sure where this misplaced loyalty came from but probably from the conversations a long time ago, vowing to be mates for life and godmother to each other’s children, etc. These lovely ideals got stuck in my psyche and I mistakenly believed it was sacrilege to dispose of such friends.

I’m writing this now with age-ripened wisdom that I think should be passed onto younger generations: I genuinely do not remember being advised when I was younger, that it was ok to leave people you had previously been great friends with. Even when it was no serving you. In fact, from almost every outlet… family, television, film, etc. lifelong friends are romanticized as the ideal friendship. Years of shared history, knowing each other inside out, having each other’s back, and being there for each other through thick and thin.

But people change and so did I.

There are 2 people in particular now that I am rather exasperated at that I wasted so many years remaining in a friendship for so long when it clearly wasn’t working for me, to the point it was causing me pain.

One of these friends, when we were much younger in school, was my best friend and used to make me cry laughing when she behaved immaturely. Showing zero regards for the rules and not considering the actions of her behaviour, I thought she was crazy and fun, making my life far more exciting.

But this same behaviour was much less amusing when we were both older and she was still acting this way. I was effectively forced to be the responsible adult for her children as she wasn’t. Having to give her money as she would guilt-trip me saying she had no food for the children when in reality she had splashed all her own money on a purchase she didn’t need. I knew that this ‘friend’ took advantage of my loyalty, and would be forced to be more responsible if I wasn’t around. So really, I was doing us both a favour by cutting ties.

Another long-term friend, I had originally admired as she was the most go-getting person I had ever met. If she wanted an opportunity, she would just take it. If she wanted a job, she would directly phone the manager of a company and sweet-talk them into giving her what she wanted.

It was only as I got older and wiser, I began to see this not as assertive and successful, but arrogant and possibly even narcissistic. I saw her on several occasions walk over, and attempt to destroy anyone who got in her way… me included. I began to see, in time that she saw me and the other people around her as commodities she could use to get what she wanted. What I originally thought was fabulous personality traits, I later realised was toxic and selfish to the extreme.

When I pursue new interests or hobbies, there is often a readymade group of potential new friends pursuing the same interest.

Sometimes if you don’t act on the writing on the wall of a friendship, fate will intervene and force the issue. In the second example, I had tried to distance myself from this woman but not assertively enough, so she could just walk back into my life whenever she wanted. One night she behaved appallingly, accusing me of something I had not done, just for her own amusement. The years of built-up exasperation, being manipulated by her boiled over, and I completely lost my rag. I don’t like doing this as it feels out of control and extremely distressing. However, at least that was the definitive end. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. All bridges burnt.

Find situations and people that raise your vibration.

I’ve found that when I pursue new interests or hobbies, there is often a readymade group of potential new friends pursuing the same interest. They want to do the same things as you, go to the same places as you, and I have had a great time getting to know these people. So what if you have known each other less than 1 month. A fantastic time is a fantastic time. I have had great days and weekends away with people I had never met before, packed with new energy, ideas and conversations, thinking I would much rather be here than my usual weekend.

It increases your self-esteem to release old friendships

Through this, I’ve also learned to let go of stale old friendships… you know the ones where they are lovely people and all that, but you have started recycling conversations, you’re not finding new interests together, just doing the same thing you have done for years. I honestly believe you are doing each other a favour if you call time on the friendship as you are giving each other space, and opportunity to grow, find new interests, and explore new friendships.

It increases your self-esteem to release old friendships that are not serving. Your brain gets the message that you will no longer tolerate negative behaviour, and new boundaries are in place. The new people bring fresh energy, opportunity, and ideas. Your life just gets better. If you’re nervous about letting old friends go, try pursuing new interests first and see where it takes you. The old friend may want to come along and your friendship gets a re-boot.

I am happy to report I do still have some wonderful long-term friends in my life where everyone is mutually benefitting from the relationship, and some great new friends whom I am learning from and discovering with. Life is short. Let’s make it fun, diverse, and happy. Find situations and people that raise your vibration, and do everything you ever wanted to do.