The Life-Changing Impact of Taking a Beat Before You Speak

Maybe you don’t always need to chime in.

Highly charged emotions on everything from politics to diets can get us tangled up in squabbles we didn’t necessarily bargain for.

Leaving us thinking, “I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”

“But I want to speak my truth”, you might think.

“People need my two cents on this issue”, you may surmise.

Sure. And if that matters to you, please, go right ahead.

But if you’re really seeking to have a peaceful life and focus on the things that matter, it might be worth considering doing more listening and less talking.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

- Abraham Lincoln.

Try to tap into your internal viability scanner before you speak, and consider the following before those strong personal opinions come pouring out.

Is this good for me?

According to Shirley Vandersteen, Ph. D., speech influences your thinking and can alter the course of your future.

What you say to others can have lasting implications on you and the person you’re speaking to as well.

If you’re heated and getting worked up on a topic, feelings of anxiety and frustration can ensue, and in the long run, it’s just not worth it.

Ask yourself if getting mired in the conversation is good for your peace of mind, and if it’s not…don’t go there.

Is it worth the relationship being impacted?

It’s easy to get impassioned in our conversations with the people we are closest to.

Once a can of worms is opened and you start to go down the road of strong opinions and rhetoric, odds are good that things can get out of hand.

You’ve probably heard of many friendships and even family relationships that get destroyed by a single disagreement. For whatever reason, things go so far that there’s no going back.

You may even raise your voice or yell when you’re in high emotional times, which leads to the ever-important logical part of your brain shutting down.

That means, no filters, and you may end up saying things you don’t mean.

Do I know the whole story?

It’s so easy to jump to conclusions or refer back to a familiar thought loop when we’re compelled to chime into a convo.

But, do you consider that each time there may be some really important details or an angle at play that you are not privy to? Could you be making assumptions about the situation?

If it’s possible that you’re missing key parts of a story, it’s best to stay quiet and sit this one out.

Things are not always as they seem and there may be some important details missing. Better to get some additional details at the very least before you pour out your familiar monologue.

Could I learn something new?

Watching and listening are ultimately how we learn things, so consider taking a second to see if there is something you can learn by not interjecting.

By remaining open-minded and focusing on what you can learn, it may not only keep you from reverting to the all too familiar talk track you have loaded in your brain, but it can ultimately inspire questions and create a pleasant and informative conversation.

Active listening is a cornerstone for effective communication. It’s like listening on purpose.

In contrast to passively listening, the active listener has a clear goal in mind: to capture and reflect both the emotional experience and the ideological perspective of the speaker (Rogers & Roethlisberger, 1991).

Try listening and learning.

Am I willing to be held accountable for this no matter what?

Words are like bullets, once they’re out, they’re out.

Trying to take back hurtful words said in anger, is like trying to retrieve the bullets after you’ve fired the gun.

Rashida Rowe

If you’re passionate and feel confident that you are willing to be held accountable for the words and their consequences, fire away.

But if you’re in doubt or fear that the words could have a negative, even long-lasting impact, resist.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.”

- Mahatma Gandhi.

As you work on changing the habit of speaking before thinking, consider the T.H.I.N.K technique. It’s an easy resource to do a self-check on whether you take the conversational plunge.

• T= TRUE-Is what I’m about to say true or just a rumor that can cause emotional pain?
• H= HELPFUL-Will what I’m about to say be helping anyone/anything?
• I= INSPIRING-Is what I’m saying inspiring someone or promoting something positive?
• N= NECESSARY-Do I really need to say it? Does the person really need to hear it?
• K= KIND-Are the things I’m about to say pleasant? Unkind words can be psychologically damaging and you can’t take them back.

It may seem overly simplistic, but it’s effective.

At the end of the day, lively debate and conversation are a healthy and entertaining part of life.

But when topics are hot and tensions can get high, it’s worth considering the benefits of letting those tempting, charged conversations roll off of you like water off a duck’s back, as they say, and allow yourself to peacefully glide away.

Save your two cents for another day.

🎉 P.S. More midlife wisdom on 🔥 🎧 The Badass Midlife Podcast 🎧 🔥

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