The lessons I learned from miss-behaving my love interests
I always considered myself a good pal.
I still am I believe; However, there were some scratches on my innocence wall during the last couple of years. Where shall I start? Let’s take it from day 0.
I was hurt. Extremely. Hurt from an unrequited love I experienced during a friendship that took a different turn; the wrong turn. But despite the actual, expected pain that rejection caused me, I got hurt and extremely suffocated from the pressure I put myself into to un-feel. To sweep my feelings under the carpet. And this was not a couple of months fling. This process or better say this struggle, was running for more than a year in the background of my head and heart. It was love at that time, probably one of the most and on the opposite of what Clark Gable manifested at the end of Gone with the wind:
I did give a damn...
So how did I cope with these unrequited feelings which were arguably the strongest I’ve felt for anyone? From that time on, which already counts 2.5 years already, I haven’t allowed myself to love. But at first, I had more serious things to encounter; I had to pull my shit together, meaning the basics like start eating, drinking water, get dressed with something else than my sneakers and 10 years old sportswear, and finding the courage to go to the supermarket let alone start doing the basic household chores.
You might have guessed well, I was quite depressed at the time. But, as soon as I managed to become a functional human being again, I initiated the next project:
Build a big wall around my heart.
For this purpose I recruited the best workers I had available in my system:
Ego, Anger, Guilt, Bitterness
These little fellows have been working day and night to build this wall. It took them years to perfect it and make it a solid concrete wall so that any ambitious romantic feeling might attempt to cross by, will smash or best case will bounce off and vanish. And all this defense mechanism was deep inside a cry for love and connection, but at the same time my whole being was rebelling to the thoughts of opening up to another human being, thus becoming intimate and vulnerable.
However, life comes and I caught myself involved with some people. I was trying to persuade me that these were strictly physical relationships with no emotion at all. Some of there were, but not all.
It seems that the wall had its flaws after all. I was craving for some human connection and to explore the world of feelings again.
But whenever my love interests were making me feel insecure and vulnerable, and sometimes this was occurring only in my head, I was backfiring with absolute, detached, and sometimes unfair behavior. Name this bad, mean, or heart-less side of me, it taught me a lot. Especially when I realized that this was actually hurting me as well. Because no matter how much I wanted to ‘Break Bad’ and pretend I am a bad girl, I wasn’t. Quite the opposite people that really know me would say.
Lesson 1: You are free to do whatever you want to heal. Just do it with respect to your values and your truth.
Sometimes when we repress ourselves or allow ourselves to be repressed by others, we burst into extremes. Sooner or later we react and we engage in behaviors that don’t match with our characters.
So did I. After I was dazed and confused with all these intense repressed feelings inside me, I got engaged in this mirthless fight or flight mode and I reacted by engaging in multiple sexual intercourses with random people; I was exploiting my promiscuous side but on the other side expressing my complex sexuality. I am not saying I did not have fun. I did, but this phase lasted longer than it should. However, the wall did not allow me to consider intimacy with people not to mention relationships. But as I explored this phase a lot, I was sure; this was just a phase. It wasn’t a new way to lead my life. Eventually, I knew what I wanted; to heal open up my heart again. To feel.
Lesson 2: Ask yourself honestly what do you want from the other person.
I thought I wanted them to really like me and desire me. I was wrong. Or probably I was lying to myself. When I started analyzing what happened, and why I was leftover bitter and sad without this more I thought I wanted from them, I was amazed by the pattern I found. These people had one common thing, they weren’t available (they were having already other relationships), thus they rejected me. I would never have them. Ever! And this was crystal clear from the beginning.
This aha! moment made me realize that I wasn’t seeking their love, I was seeking their rejection, so I had something to struggle with, something to conquer. Or from the other side, something to validate my belief; that I am not enough.
Damn! I didn’t love myself at that time at all, did I? Definitely not enough to respect my time and feelings and not to waste my energy in dead-end situations. However, life is a journey, and I manage to get over this self-destructive behavior. How? By trying to be honest with me every little minute and consequently being honest with the people around me.
Lesson 3: Quit the scenarios you have in your head. Life will surprise you
We all make scenarios in our heads. I don’t know why exactly, but I guess in order to be prepared for the outcome of any situation we indulge in. These scenarios often reflect our beliefs, our fears. We all want to know what will happen, the worst-case scenario.
These deeply rooted fears having as the main ingredient the fear of getting hurt again, made me hold my guard up. Whenever I had some doubts about what was my date’s intentions, whenever I was feeling insecure or I wasn't getting the attention I wanted I was thinking the worst: “they don’t give a shit about me”, “I know it, they are already fooling around with others!”, “I don’t need them, I am better alone” and stuff like that. In one case, I had a visit from the person I was dating who had come together with a common acquaintance. This acquaintance had a serious medical case accompanied by severe muscle pain in the legs. So this night that they both stayed at my place, I did a whole scene when I saw my date hugging this person and holding her hand, during the time she had muscle contractions which I wasn’t much aware of. I locked myself in my room and I refused to talk to them the whole night. Only in the morning after they had dropped me so many messages on my phone even paper notes under the door, did I accept to listen to their scenario, which proved to be the true one..
So, after this case, I basically understood the madness of my rationale! Hurt as much as I was, I have quite a decent internal alarm that rings whenever I misbehave somebody, no matter if I choose to listen to it or not. Some people call it empathy. Whatever you call it, this is something that made me see that I need to quit these scenarios because in the end it’s me they hurt in the end.
What shall I keep from this journey?
A lot of things about myself definitely. I accepted I was truly deeply hurt and I needed time to heal, no matter how much that would take. Ι accepted that I needed that wall at that time. I couldn't afford to lose any more teardrop off my eye. I accepted that I have a quite big ego, bigger than I even realized I had. But since I accepted this, I accepted it’s a case I have to work on. I definitely feel sorry for hurting any of these people. I have even come back to some to apologize. But what life would be without mistakes so you can fail, improve, and push yourself up again?