Bake These GD Vegan Treats, You F*ck

This article is both a big old “screw you” and a delightful recipe.

I’ve been vegan almost a decade and I’ve heard all your dumb jokes, rude comments, and misdirected defensiveness about it, so shut the fuck up for a minute and enjoy some hella good Crispy Chocolatey Sunflower Tahini Bars.

Yes, I know you love bacon. I do too, that’s why I can transform everything from tofu to carrots to coconuts into it, with a mix of liquid smoke, maple syrup, and soy sauce. It’s actually not even difficult. But whatever, I know you *can’t* quit bacon. 🙄

Forget bacon for a second. Don’t you also love sweets? Vegan sweets are as good as animal secretions-filled sweets, if not better. I’ve had gross, burned, dry pastries both with and without torturing animals.

You’re not going to miss cow’s milk in a recipe. Oat milk works just as well. And eggs? When’s the last time you bit into a cookie and said, “Wow, I love how the egg flavor really shines through in this!” Here’s the answer: never. You never said that. Eggs are only there to provide structure, and they’re not the only ingredient that can form a gross gelatinous goo. You can mix a little ground flax with water to create the very same structure.

You know what? I’m not even going to challenge you to recast ingredients. I’m giving you a recipe that was born vegan — no need for replacements. Forget plant-based milk and vegan mobile bird wombs. Just throw together this easy recipe and chill and enjoy it.

It’s Kinda Heathy, Even. Or Whatever.

I actually don’t give a fuck if it’s healthy or not and I think focusing on shit like that triggers people who struggle with eating disorders. But for you assholes who get off on this shit, I’ll have you know that the Crispy Chocolatey Sunflower Tahini Bars are:

1. Allergen-friendly. No soy, no egg (duh), no nuts. It does contain coconut, tahini (sesame seeds), and sunflower seeds, which are not common allergens, but they’re not unheard of either.
2. Gluten free. Look, ma, no flour!
3. Sugar free… technically. I mean, okay, it’s not sugar free at all. But it is CANE sugar-free. The sugar comes in the form of agave or maple syrup, which is really still just, well, sugar. But not everyone knows that, so you can pretend it’s healthy by saying bullshit like “It has a lower glycemic index!”
4. Cholesterol free, of course! It’s vegan, it doesn’t contain any cholesterol, since dietary cholesterol is only found in animal products. But who are we kidding here? It contains saturated fat from the seeds and coconut, so if you’re prone to high cholesterol, that’s going to cause your body to make it. Hey, so would a non-vegan treat, but at least this doesn’t have added cholesterol on top of that, so let’s call it a win.

Not everything has to be healthy all the time. I’m not claiming these chocolate-covered cookie bars are the secret to longevity. I’m only saying they’re freakin’ delicious, relatively healthyish compared to other desserts, and DID I MENTION perfect for lazy people?

Going vegan doesn’t automatically mean you have to spend all your time cooking. Personally, I hate doing stuff. Vegans can be just as lazy in the kitchen as flesh-eaters. You don’t even need to make these bars if you don’t want to. You can buy vegan treats at any grocery store nowadays. Oreos are vegan. Still, I’m giving you this bar recipe because I LOVE YOU and I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

So, without further ado, here is my recipe for Crispy Chocolatey Sunflower Tahini Bars, which I wrote out from memory so I hope it’s not missing anything. You’ll be fine.

CRISPY CHOCOLATEY SUNFLOWER TAHINI BARS

1.5 cup of oatmeal (the thicker the cut of oatmeal, the more health-foody these are so, for most delicious, choose instant)

1/2 cup sunflower seeds

½ cup coconut flakes

10 tablespoons tahini

¾ cup of agave, maple syrup, or a mix of both

¾ cup chocolate chips. (Lots of semi-sweet chips, especially out of bulk bins, are vegan. I also love the Enjoy Life brand chips.)

• First, grease a 10 x 15 inch pan (9 x 13 inch will also work — if there’s too much, just eat the extra batter, it’s good raw unlike with non-vegan recipes where salmonella might make you sick) with some canola oil, vegan butter, or vegetable shortening. Preheat the oven to 375°F.
• Mix everything together except the chocolate chips until it’s good and combined.
• Push the mix into the pan. Use a rubber spatula if you’re fancy, I guess. I just use the back of a spoon because I’m not.
• Bake for about 16 minutes. Keep an eye on it, you want the top just starting to golden, so you may want to take it out earlier or later.
• Remove from the oven, sprinkle chocolate chips on top. Use your best judgment about how many chips are ideal. Cover the pan with aluminum foil or a bigger pan or a cookie sheet so the chocolate can melt.
• Read a 5-minute-long article on Medium while you wait for the chocolate to get melty.
• Use a rubber spatula (you’re so fancy) or the back of a spoon to smooth the chocolate over the top.
• Stick it in the fridge to get the chocolate hard again.

I Guess If Life Is Ever Normal Again, You Could Serve This to People

You can cut these into adorable bite-sizes for a party or, if you’re like me, you’ll just slice off a little bit now and then with a butter knife for random monching, even (especially?) in the middle of the night.

You’re gonna love these. I’m not a big coconut person at all, and I still love them. I am a big sunflower seed and tahini person, though, so if you’re not into those things, this recipe may not be for you. You know, not everything is for everyone.

If that’s the case, make something else. It’s easy to find recipes. Just Google the word “vegan” along with whatever food you enjoy eating, and countless vegan recipes for that food will appear.

You Could Really Be a Lot More Vegan

Yes, I know, I know, you think you’d be “bored” eating only vegan food all the time. I’ve heard that before and I doubt it, man. When I was a non-vegan kid, I used to live off mostly mac & cheese from a box, frozen pizza, and chicken nuggets. I eat way more variety now that I’m vegan. Plus, I mean, if you still want to eat mac & cheese from a box, frozen pizza, and chicken nuggets, you can totally buy vegan versions of all that fun crap at most grocery stores.

I really don’t understand not trying to be MORE vegan. I actually don’t need you to be 100% and wear an official vegan hat or some shit. I’ll bet most people could reduce their animal/animal secretion consumption by 50% pretty easily, and that could make a big difference. Maybe not for the world because the world is pretty much definitely doomed no matter what you do, but at least you’ll have 1/2 as many animals tortured and killed on your behalf.

MAYBE also for the world, though. If enough people got significantly less selfish so they’d be willing to make small sacrifices to greatly reduce the environmental and emotional harm done by animal agriculture, that would actually indicate some hope for this sick, sad world.

Know what? We don’t need to talk about this. Have a Crispy Chocolatey Sunflower Tahini Bar and let’s talk about something way less controversial instead, like politics, religion, and your vaccine status.

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