The Last Swim I Had With My Sister

She swam away into the land of our ancestors, but not before we shared a moment of joy in the mighty Pacific ocean.

Coo coo, coo coo. Trill trill. The morning birds in Hawaii greet the new day, beckoning me to rise from sleep and admire their winged beauty.

It’s December 17th, the first full day of our vacation in the tropics and my phone now chimes with a not-unexpected text from my brother-in-law. “My beloved wife passed away in her sleep this morning.”

I felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

A hospice nurse estimated Carol would have two months to live in April last year. She didn’t know my sister, who always managed to live life on her own terms.

I visited her after this sober pronouncement and the inevitable question arose. “Are you afraid of death sis?” She paused and stared into my eyes, contemplating and committing to the honesty we always shared.

“No, Im not. It’s a land I have yet to visit and who knows what awaits me there.”

Born in a New York City, December blizzard, our parents decided to name her Carol for the seasonal songs streaming through the hallways of the hospital upon their frantic arrival. The white, transformative wonder of snow delighted her, as did the month of December.

I visited her in the Spring. “How are you doing sis?” I heard the determination in her voice. “I’m doing good. No complaints, other than my creepy new doc who’s intent on telling me how I’m going to die.”

We snorted with laughter, sharing a fondness for humor in any form, from good natured to gallows. “Nice one Carol! Your doc probably picked up that tip from “The Physicians Manual of Bedside Manners.” Chapter One — How to Leave Your Patient Hopeless.”

“Exactly! It’s my body and I’ll decide how I die thank you.” Her eyes were sparkly and flashing with indignation. Exactly what I wanted to see.

“No worries, I brought you some delicious smoked salmon for your Last Supper.” We began giggling and ended up with belly laughs, the doctor long forgotten.

It was this conversation that convinced me she would live until her 83rd birthday, despite every naysayer on the block. And she did, even adding a few extra days on the Earth plane for good measure. That’s my sis.

We the living in Hawaii headed out to the white sands and turquoise water of our favorite swim area. Even though it was 80 degrees, it was still winter and each cool wave sent a new shock through my core as I slowly waded in.

Suddenly, the essence and spirit of my sister surrounded me in a full embrace. She was beside me as surely as the living person she had recently been. “What are you waiting for?” she asks. “C’mon let's go for the plunge!”

I dive underwater and bob up to the surface with a strong breaststroke. I see Carol’s grin and hear her laughter as we set off side by side, anti-gravity sisters stroking our way to the endless horizon.

I turn over and begin backstroking. She follows and the two of us stare into the Sun, firing up our hearts for this final journey together. Stroke, stroke. I enter a trance state. Each wave entering the lagoon nudges me closer to shore, only to pull me back toward the vastness and claim me again as its own.

I surrender to the ocean’s pulse and memories arise from the depths.

Playing in the front yard as Carol pokes her head out our bedroom window. “Want to earn a quarter Becky?” “Yes!” I yell back excitedly and run inside to brush her long, luxuriantly thick locks.

She taught me to start at the bottom, securing her lower tresses as I moved upward. Never pulling and gently releasing any knots. This was our sister ritual, oldest to youngest of four girls, twelve years between us.

She would close her eyes and sigh with pleasure. “You have good hands, Becky. You might make a living from them someday.” Quick to compliment and be supportive of my endeavors her entire life, she would cheer from the sidelines. “You go girl! Live your life to the fullest!”

This encouragement stemming from a woman who married too young to know her own self first. Three sons born in rapid succession with her man from Georgia and headed for divorce before her boys reached adolescence.

This phase of her life was when she was awarded the gold badge of courage. No staying in a loveless marriage for her.

Attending college during the day and working as a waitress at night, she was the sole supporter of her family as she steadily worked to gain her Master’s Degree in Education and financial liberation.

Securing her dream job of teaching kids across the spectrum, from gifted to challenged learners, on military bases around the world. Freelancing her way from one country to another with Seoul, Korea being her favorite abode, other than her treasured Oregon coast.

Meeting the man of her dreams and joining forces to explore the nooks and crannies of every country they landed in. Both of them filled with love for each other and celebrating joy in some way every day.

I shiver as I swim, reminding me I still have a body to tend. How long have I been in the water? I glance around and can’t find sis. Treading water, I scan every direction, including the beach.

Light plays on the undulating surface of waves. The beach glows and I sense my sister fully once again as I hold my breath and swim underwater. There she is! A gorgeous green turtle is swimming underneath me.

The turtle disappears but I still body-surf the waves. Hoping our last moment of enchantment together holds a few more precious minutes of suspension between the realms.

Treading water again, I search the ocean’s horizon. “Sister, oh sister, where have you gone?”

I hear her wonderful peal of laughter and see her arms waving at me for attention. She’s being transformed to a ray of golden light shooting out from the sun, but can still call out.

“It’s back to shore for you little sister. Your passage is yet to be approved. When your visa arrives, I will be at the gate to greet you, I promise. Wahoo!”

Sister, oh sister, now I see where you’re going. To the land of our ancestors as they continue vibrating through the marrow of my living bones.

She had a full and successful life with few regrets if any. Granting her a smooth passage through the bardos between death and rebirth.

I will miss your voice, and your laughter most of all. Your zest for life as an unending adventure and your unceasing encouragement to explore my full potential, just as you did before me.

You were a feminist, badass role model who followed her heart every step of the way. Never shirking challenges, feisty and intrepid to the very end. Finding the positive in whatever arose.

I will honor your memory sister. As long as my breath continues to animate my form. You were a way-shower and inspirational human being.

I loved you dearly and always will. Blessed be. 🌞💚