The Lack of Thrill in My Very First Kiss And Wondering Why

A Kiss I’d Received on the Playground That I Didn’t Feel Much For

The Spring of a Young Boy and a Young Girl

The year was 1991. I was 9 years old. I was a very nerdy kid who wore glasses and mostly kept to myself at school. I think that’s why a girl I barely knew but who went to my same church as well as my school pecked me on the lips that day. Her name is Yvette. Her parents were very active in the church and I knew them but I didn’t hang out with this young, ginger girl who I’d only played with a few times at school and church and didn’t have any classes with.

She surprised me on this otherwise uneventful Spring day. She told me to close my eyes. I don’t know what compelled me to trust her but I figured we were in public. If she was going to try something, there would be hundreds of witnesses. We were on the playground in front of a decent amount of students. My mind went in so many different directions at the moment. I was sweating, my mind was racing, you know mom’s spaghetti and all that other stuff that Eminem raps about when you get lost in the moment.

The Short, Uneventful Kiss/Motives

I felt a peck on my lips. It lasted a couple of seconds and then it was done. I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t expect her to do this. No context prepared me for this in the past. Did she like me? Was this a dare? Was this a practical joke that she was playing on the school nerd?

At that point, I honestly didn’t care. I had never really had crushes on anyone before that, boy or girl. I didn’t even know what sexuality had meant. I mean, earlier in that year, another girl who lived on my street was craving my attention as well. Who could blame these girls? I was told that I was a handsome, young man. I just had no interest in dating. I was way too young for that.

Was My Reaction an Indication to My Sexuality Early On?

Would my minimal reaction to this kiss be an indicator of my future sexuality as an adult? I couldn’t even imagine kissing a girl anymore and I’ve done a bit of revisionary history since saying that my first kiss was the first guy I had slept with as an adult even though I had already had an ex-girlfriend who turned out to be a lesbian.

Looking back, I’m still trying to figure out the circumstances behind “the first kiss.” We had a couple of interactions as teenagers and adults after that as we were cordial to each other every time. Maybe I’m reading too much into this kiss. It’s possible that she just felt sorry for how lonely and secluded I was and felt that human connection would be the best remedy for my shyness.

Not Asexual and Thank You to the Ginger Girl

In a way, that kiss opened me up to that world. I thought I might have been asexual as a kid. Even though I didn’t have much of a reaction at all, I did end up kissing more girls and even more guys as an adult. Maybe just getting the first one out of the way was all I needed to realize my potential sexual being and that I was being way too much of a prude as a kid.

Either way, Yvette, you beautiful ginger girl, thank you for that moment. Even though it didn’t mean much to either of us except for that milestone I had experienced, you got me to think about it at least one more time after it happened. I’ve kissed many people in my life and that wasn’t even the best kiss I ever had, but it will always hold a special place as the very first in a young shy, nerdy boy’s life.

This story was written in response to KiKi Walter’s prompt about first kisses. I saw the prompt when Scot Butwell shares his own story about his first kiss. You can find that here.