The Key to Happiness Is Keeping Your Identity Small

How to Stay Resilient in a World of Change

“Keep your identity small,” wrote Paul Graham in explaining why political and religious discussions tend to devolve into nothing but indignation. As these topics become a part of someone’s identity, facts matter less. People commit themselves to a certain position and the certainty with which they cling to this view prevents them from considering new evidence that threatens it.

In the twelve years since Graham offered this advice, it’s never been more appropriate. Nearly half of our nation’s politicians seem to have lost their minds. Instead of talking about effective policy or working to improve the lives of Americans, they hold rallies to promote fake conspiracy theories and punish those who have the gall to stand by their principles.

Yet Graham’s advice shouldn’t be limited to politics and religion. If you’re reading this, you’re likely not one of the crazies who continue their commitment to ignorance and refuse to acknowledge reality. It’s doubtful that your identity is committed to one specific set of religious or political views.

But chances are good that it’s tied to something. And the more committed you are to any one belief, the less you’ll be able to adapt within a changing situation.

What’s Your Identity?

“The ego is only an illusion, but a very influential one. Letting the ego-illusion become your identity can prevent you from knowing your true self.” — Wayne Dyer

Susan Cain was a self-described ambivalent corporate lawyer. She was working hard towards a partnership track until one day the senior partner in her firm told her that she wouldn’t be put up for partner on schedule. She broke down, asked for a leave of absence, and spent the afternoon bicycling around Central Park.

Looking back, Cain recognizes now that she was in the wrong profession. Yet at the time, she defined her identity as a lawyer. It’s understandable; she put in significant time and investment within this career and developed meaningful relationships with her colleagues. But because of this identity, the disappointment of missing a partnership track hit her particularly hard.

Fortunately, she remembered that she’d always wanted to be a writer. She started writing, signed up for creative writing classes, and took on freelance work to support herself. She would go on to write Quiet and inspire countless introverts to find their place in the world.

Cain was ably to pivot into a new role because she didn’t limit her identity to one specific role. Without this agility, she likely would have continued to push towards a partnership, staying in a role that didn’t provide her with meaning or fulfillment.

How we define our identity determines how we define ourselves. It’s like creating a simplistic map of who we are. Like any map, it offers an easy way to keep us oriented in the world.

The problem occurs when that map becomes too limited. If your identity is limited to one item, you don’t have a map — you have old MapQuest directions. They work just fine provided you’re only going one place and you don’t hit any confusion on the way there. Otherwise, they quickly become obsolete.

Many years ago, I defined my identity as an athlete. Several debilitating knee surgeries and concussions later, I couldn’t compete at either soccer or hockey. With that identity threatened, I lost motivation to keep exercising and began to let my health slide.

Later, my identity was tied to being a star performer at work. After getting passed over for a major promotion, my ego took a massive hit. I refused to recognize the reasons behind the decision and my own development lagged as a result. I also, unfortunately, proved the company’s point that I wasn’t ready at the time.

Looking back, it’s easy to see that my biggest disappointments, and those that took the longest time to recover, were when I tied my identity to a specific role. It was great as long as that role was working fine, but nothing lasts forever.

If your identity is wrapped up in the belief that you’re the CEO, what happens when you’re no longer the CEO? At some point, we’ll no longer be the boss, the technical expert, or the top-performing athlete. If your identity is dependent on one specific role, it limits your ability to adapt when that role changes.

One possible solution is to simply avoid having any identity. But how practical is that? No matter what we may tell ourselves, we all look to define ourselves through some type of self-image. We want that map to orient ourselves in the world.

The answer isn’t to avoid developing an identity; it’s to make sure that we build it on the right things.

Know (and Live) Your Values

“Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.” — Epictetus

If you’re looking for a great leadership or personal development book, you can’t go wrong with Steven Covey’s 7 Habits. It includes a trove of advice that while seems obvious in hindsight, is always helpful. Yet one piece of his advice never resonated with me: writing a personal mission statement.

I’ve tried a number of times. Each time, it came across as contrived. Yes, I want to be a great father, husband, friend, and leader, but is that it? It seems like I should have something deeper and more actionable.

Later I read some of John Wooden’s reflections from a lifetime of coaching elite teams to unparalleled success. Over the course of his career, he developed a set of values, termed his Pyramid of Success, that offered a framework for helping himself and his teams achieve excellence. As Wooden described his purpose,

“Success is peace of mind that is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”

For me at least, this was a better option. I may not be able to come up with a personal mission, but I can at least clarify the values that will help be become the best version of myself. After thinking about it for a while, I settled on the following list: integrity, purpose, health, commitment, learning, empathy, abundance, and excellence.

I’m still trying to turn these into a good acronym, so I’ll take any suggestions that you have.

If you define your identity by your values, you don’t limit yourself to a specific set of beliefs or one defined role. Our positions and roles are merely one set of options to demonstrate those values in the world. In short, we create more options. And more options bring better agility.

You’re not a Democrat, you’re someone who values empathy, abundance, and equality and votes according to those values.

You’re not a soccer player, you’re someone who values health, teamwork, and commitment and expresses those values through the sport.

You’re not an engineering manager, you’re someone who values purpose, learning, and excellence. Leading engineering teams is simply one method of demonstrating those values.

The world can influence our role or disprove our beliefs, but our values remain firmly in our own control. Changes don’t threaten our identity, because they no longer have that power.

Keep Your Identity Resilient

“In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.” — Erik Erikson

How do you define yourself? What is your identity? More importantly, as the world changes, will your identity be able to adapt with it?

Paul Graham suggests that we keep our identity small. I think a more actionable suggestion would be to keep our identity resilient. The goal isn’t to avoid defining yourself. It’s to define yourself so that your identity stays intact as the world around you changes.

If your identity is limited to one specific set of beliefs or one defined role, you’ll always be a hostage to it. You can’t control the change around you and anything that threatens that identity, threatens you. It’s no wonder that so many people are averse to change or new information.

If you base it off your values, you’re in control. You’re not threatened by new information. New information is simply an opportunity to adapt your methods and better demonstrate your values. You’re not afraid of change. Change lets you take advantage of your agility and build new opportunities.

An identity based on your values is flexible. It adapts to changing circumstances rather than fighting them. As the following quote from the Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching describes,

“Men are born soft and supple;

dead, they are stiff and hard.

Plants are born tender and pliant;

dead, they are brittle and dry.

Thus whoever is stiff and inflexible

is a discipline of death.

Whoever is soft and yielding

is a discipline of life.

The hard and stiff will be broken.

The soft and supple will prevail.”

Live your values. Stay resilient. Keep adapting.