The Joy of Shopping From The Sofa

A Lazy Man’s Guide On Letting The Shop Come To You. “I’m watching you Marcus and know you’re eight stops away!!”

That image above doesn’t have to thank me. I’m thanking them. Profusely. No longer am I confined to trudging round shops getting knocked by trolleys, mown down by small children and risking disease. No arrows to follow, no dreaded one-way system. You forgot to pick up the milk. Too bad love, you’ve got to go all the way round again and then yet again if you forgot something else. That’s without the half hour queue to get in there in the first place.

And I don’t find shopping exciting at all. Not one bit. It’s a necessary chore that has to be done. No shopping, no food, you starve and so does your cat. For most of us the days of hunting, killing and cooking our own food are long gone. The local store has done all that for you and wrapped it.

However, online shopping has been an epiphany for me. One of utter joyousness. I can browse to my hearts content, read reviews on what I want to buy in my own time and make (hopefully) a wise choice. “Move to Basket” is one of the most defining sentences of our time. I’m moving a lot to the basket and loving every minute of it. The wonder of pressing that button and moving to a basket that I don’t even have to carry is beyond compare and it doesn’t give you a pulled shoulder or backache. No more buying a new TV and praying to God that you don’t drop the damned thing on the way home.

The real excitement starts the minute you check out. Then the fun begins. You anxiously await email number one “we have received your order”, so far so good. You go off for a coffee, talk to your cat, have a bath and then sometime later out of the ether via email comes “order despatched”. At last, it’s on its way from somewhere in the world. You can sit back and wait with anticipation and glee. You are very nearly there.

And then into the picture comes “Marcus”. I can see you Marcus on my phone, you are eight stops away. I’m watching you closely. You are taking a long time in THAT road Marcus. You’ve been there for an hour. Maybe that road is also full of lazy shoppers like me. I’m still waiting. I’ll have another coffee but I’ll be looking in soon Marcus to just see where the hell you are. After a coffee and yet another chat with my now rather bored looking cat I’m back again looking for Marcus. I’m now on the verge of exploding, Marcus is one stop away. I start peering out of the front window in anticipation, it’s not unknown for me to sit on my front steps looking like someone deranged hoping that Marcus appears round the corner.

And then, he’s here. Best moment ever. My parcel has arrived. Delivered safely like a brand new baby into my waiting arms. It’s all been worth it. I smile coyly at Marcus and wave lovingly at him as he leaves in his van. Ready to make another woman happy. I expect Marcus makes a lot of women happy and I’ve no doubt another woman somewhere else is looking at her phone and seeing that Marcus is eight stops away.

I’ve had the odd disaster I’ll admit but they are rare. Some vegetable seeds arrived last week. Unlabelled. I haven’t got a clue what they are and I doubt my garden will have either. I’ll plant them for the hell of it and see what happens and probably end up with a palm tree in my garden which in the UK would be a pretty rare thing.

But all things said and done I salute you Marcus and others like you. Forget the joy of sex and just think about the joy of online shopping.

“Move to Basket”, I most certainly will.