The Joy Of Running Away For Christmas

It’s the most wonderful crime of the year

They say that Christmas is a time of giving and so, with this in mind, I decided to give the best gift I could think of to the most important person I know. That gift was a trip to Thailand, all expenses paid. That person was [you guessed it] me. I abandoned my friends and family this holiday season in favour of hanging out on a beach in Thailand and I have absolutely no regrets.

It’s worth noting that Thailand puts on a spectacular Christmas. It’s my fourth time experiencing Christmas here and I’ve got to say, no one does Christmas quite like a predominantly Buddhist country. They get to pick and choose the best bits of Christmas while ignoring the historical, religious, and familial significance that can sometimes bring down the mood.

Turn on that crappy television in your guest house and you’ll enjoy a non-stop parade of terrible 90s-era Christmas movies, the perfect accoutrement to your afternoon nap. Step outside at night and go to any shopping centre, hotel, or restaurant, and you’ll find the place lit up like the proverbial Christmas tree that the country has become. They go so hard on the lights that I wouldn’t be surprised if Thailand becomes more visible from space during the Christmas period.

They also have Pokémon.

And yes, I’m aware that Pokémon might look more like the work of Satan than anything related to Christ but I’d much rather celebrate Christmas with an electric rat than with a sad, white dude nailed to a cross.

The religious significance of Christmas has been commandeered by Japanese corporations and this is one corporate takeover that I’m absolutely in support of. Seriously, commandeer, appropriate, and requisition, do everything in your power to make Christmas about doing what makes you happy.

That’s what brought me here to Thailand.

I have spent far too many of my Christmases trying to make other people happy but this one is specifically for me. Between my family and my wife’s family, approaching the Christmas calendar can feel a bit like being dropped in halfway through a season of Game of Thrones. You need a flowchart to decipher who can speak to whom and who is related to what, with everyone pushing and pulling you in different directions between Christmas Eve, Christmas lunch, and Christmas dinner.

My mum has taken to hosting one of these Christmas events on account of her having the only house with enough places to hide should you not wish to talk to a certain drunk uncle. Everyone brings a dish and while this works in theory, the responsibility of cleaning those dishes usually falls on the only person dumb enough to volunteer.

Which, every year, always happens to be me.

I don’t mean to sound like a martyr about this but I hate the idea of Mum cleaning up on Christmas which means I end up doing the majority of it. I’ll spend the whole day over a kitchen sink until my fingers are wrinkled, at which point I’ll drink too much, eat myself stupid, and go to sleep that night with the smell of burnt ham trapped beneath my fingernails.

This year there will be none of that.

I’ll be spending Christmas in Prachuap Khiri Khan, which is one of the most underrated parts of Thailand. Most tourists only make it as far down as Hua Hin or skip over the area entirely, preferring the islands of Koh Tao, Koh Phangan, and Koh Samui.

What they miss is a perfect little piece of Thai paradise, one devoid of the usual problem of mass tourism, and it’s here that I’m going to spend my Christmas Day lounging on a beach with a cocktail in hand.

I imagine that a lot of people who read this will probably be American or European. The idea of a hot, humid Christmas might seem strange and outlandish to you but let me tell you, once you spend Christmas basking on a sunny beach instead of trapped in a small room with people who are getting increasingly drunk and belligerent, you’ll never look back. You’ll be right here on this beach next to me, looking over and raising your cocktail as if to say…

We did it.

We ran away from Christmas, escaping all those expectations that were placed on us by people who only put them there to serve themselves. We ate pla tod [a whole fried fish] and had a fruit salad for breakfast and felt like a million bucks at the end of it, rotating between the beach and the hammock and that bath-warm water that wraps its arms around you like a Thai Christmas hug.

There are no presents to give, no dishes to clean, nothing to do but focus on the one person who matters the most in this whole crazy holiday. No, I’m not talking about Jesus, he’s been dead for two thousand years, I’m talking about you.

That’s right, you, reading this right now, are worth celebrating, and the only way to truly celebrate yourself at Christmas is to run away from it. You don’t need to ask permission to do this, nor do you need any excuse to be selfish. You’ve earned it simply by making it to the end of what has no doubt been a long, tiring year.

And while it might be too late to escape this Christmas, remember these words, remember me, and remember this little beach in Thailand for your next one. Remember that there is only so much you can give to others before you have to take a little something back for yourself.