SATIRE
The Iowa Caucus Virus Is Putting Voters’ Lives At Risk
A new virus, iowacaucusa, has alarmed health authorities across the state of Iowa and beyond. Some precinct captains started falling ill on February 3 as they could not cope with the multiple rounds of balloting at the Democratic caucus across the state .
Health alerts have been issued for other caucus prone states such as Wyoming and Nevada. Flights between the three states have been suspended for the time being.
Researchers are working 24/7 to find a vaccine for this illness which threatens to delay the nomination of 41 SDE (state delegate equivalents.)
They have isolated the virus chain — a complicated process involving counting, basic math, and encrypted algorithms. They reckon that it may take up to 4 years to develop a vaccine for this serious life-threatening disease.
Some commentators say that an easier solution would be to quarantine the precinct captains for four years. That would give Iowa, Wyoming and Nevada time to change their caucus diet to a normal primary one.
This would involve a massive public awareness campaign. Pork Queens could be employed and make themselves more useful instead of just posing and preening or helping a sow to give birth!
The RAGBRAI cyclists Register’s Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa could also be used as they cross the whole state in just one week. They could hand out stickers at each stop with “CAUCUS FREE IOWA WINS”
What are the iowacaucusa symptoms?
Some of the precinct captains reported the following symptoms:-
- Mental confusion
- Dyscalculia (basically cannot count or deal with numbers)
- Migraine headaches
- High temperature
- Sweaty palms
- Dizzy spells
- Dyslexia (basically, reading & writing are severely affected)
The outlook in corn cold Iowa is bleak.
Is it contagious?
Yes, highly contagious. Delegates and candidates will have to wear face masks for the time being. Photos have been banned as masked candidates may confuse voters even more. Also, voters have to stand in their corners but many can sidle over to another one as they spot a hot gal or sexy dude.
A major concern is that the severity of symptoms of iowacaucusa seems to vary widely. Some captains were reported to count correctly only from 1–9. Double digits caused fainting. Others could count to 99 but three-figure digits caused vomiting.
Officials at the caucus are working round the clock to get a result but commentators fear that nobody will believe what they report. All we know is that the system has not been hacked. There have been “inconsistencies” however, which basically means that nobody knows how to count.
Patience is key.
“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh